What to do?

[SayJay]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum, so please bear with me if I break any customs or appear to be breaking any rules. I also apologize for the length of this first message. So here is my story/background:

In grade ten, one of my friends dated this girl. I decided to get to know my friend's girlfriend for fun and we became friends. She later broke up with him and our friendship grew into best friends. A couple months (closer to a year) later, she confessed that she started liking me. Naturally, to all the girls who tell me this, I 'friendzone' them (for reasons of my personal childhood). Later that year she was diagnosed with a disease that would not allow her to live long (life expectancy: ~30-40) and would pass onto her children (100%) therefore she does not want to have children (she wants to, but does not want to put them through what she has to go through). Being her best friend, I began to research on this disease (online). Later this year she starts to date someone else.

In grade 11, her mother passes away in a car crash (both her boyfriend and herself were in the car at the time). Note that her parents are divorced so she only lived with her mother and brother. Since that night, I called her every night on Skype to make sure she was okay and tried to stay up late to make sure she fell asleep alright (although I would always pass out before she would fall asleep).

After high school, I moved across the country to pursue a degree in nanotechnology engineering to eventually research in nano-medicine and potentially find a cure for this disease. The program I am taking is a co-op program, meaning I alternate between studying at the university and working elsewhere. However during my first year in university, we began calling overnight daily (before we would end the call after one of us could not stay up anymore) as we both fell asleep watching a TV show. I began to fall in love with her later during my first year.

After my first year, I visited back home (mainly to visit her; I am not very close with my family). During this visit, I accidentally kiss her (I say accidentally because it was not planned at all, it was really in the moment and I feel bad for doing so). The next day she breaks up with her boyfriend and we hang out for the rest of my visit. A couple weeks later we start our long-distance relationship, however a couple weeks (1 or two) later she breaks up with me. The reason being is because she feels too guilty for not being able to live long and not provide me with children/family. A couple days later she tries to start a relationship again. Being heartbroken and everything, I declined (worst idea of my life). During the time apart, I went through a lot of thinking. First and foremost, I thought she would be happier with someone who could be there in person for her if she has a short life span and I could research for her in the meantime. And second, I didn't know if she would leave me one day for the same reason randomly.

Around mid-summer she visits me and we have the most amazing two weeks together as friends with benefits (although we still love each other without knowing one another's actual feelings). Towards the end of summer, another guy starts hanging out with her often and beginning September 1st, they start a relationship (my birthday is August 31st too QQ). Naturally, I am crushed and can not handle this, but then again this is what I "wanted" right?..

Being a natural idiot, I start telling her how much I love her and to give me another chance etc. Later she confesses that she still loves me, and since we did not get back together during the summer, she figured it was about time to move on by dating him. She also says she is pissed off about why we didn't get back together and can't forgive me for that and that she doesn't want to get back together with me for that reason.

I then tried to be supportive about their relationship by suggesting that she calls him overnight and helping her whenever they got into arguments (at least once a week). Her boyfriend would complain about things like her texting me all the time or him complaining that she is boring via text/skype. They would always fix the argument by him driving over to her place and apologizing. I remember one time, she asked if he would date her if she was not as pretty and he said he would not. She was upset and asked me the same question (I didn't know she had asked her boyfriend previously) and I answered "Of course, I love you for your personality. The looks is just an extra benefit ^^" or something along the lines of that. Also, whenever she gets upset, if she consulted her boyfriend about it, he would turn it around and make her feel bad for him. She would keep going back and forth from me to him and I would always be there for her. We also took many '1 week breaks' from talking as I could not handle hearing about them being together. Another note to take is that she is always upset when they call as she always stays up late thinking about her disease and dreams of the car crash often (PTSD) and wakes up crying. She tells me that I am the only one who ever made her feel better about those things.

Last October she began sexting me and talking dirty (every once in a while) and I would play along (I know..very wrong of me...). Come late November we took a month off from talking and we started talking again on Christmas (I got a job back home so I am back home until May 4th). However, on December 30th, her boyfriend went through her Skype messages and found out that she has been talking dirty to me and he got pissed off and left to go for a walk. My best friend started crying and kept telling me how bad she felt and how bad her boyfriend must feel. I felt bad so I tried, once again to be a good person and tell her that if she wanted to stay with him, she could just offer him to not talk to me ever again and that I would understand if she made that decision. A couple hours later that night, she texts me to tell me that we aren't friends anymore as our friendship keeps getting in the way of her relationships. She later deletes me off Skype/stops responding to my texts and we haven't talked since.

So I am quite upset that I lost a best friend of 5 years as well as my ex, but it was her decision to not be with me and choose her relationship over our friendship, so I have decided that I should move on and not dwell on it. I have been asking all my friends back home to hang out and that is what I have been doing as much as possible (trying to distract myself). When I am around my friends I feel fine, but when alone my mind wanders and I can't help think of her and wonder "what if?.." (I know that is a dangerous thought and should not think that way, but sometimes I can't help it). Is there anyway to speed up the process of healing from this experience? (I don't want to date other women, as I am leaving in May, and for sure do not plan on coming back here). Also, I still care for my ex very much...and I believe she is making a very big mistake..Should I just forget about her?..Also what do you think will happen with her?

Thanks for reading the above and responding ^^

[Cerby]

Well, no point in thinking "What if?", you did that like 10 times and all turned out bad. As for your ex, you told her she could never talk to you again to make her life better, and she wisely went with that. She isn't making a big mistake, she is making the best decision of her life - getting rid of a poison that is ruining her chance at a good relationship. The only advice I have for you here is to NOT try to contact her, you have until May where you are, find some chick to have a light relationship with and get moving forward.

As for what will happen with her? It isn't our business, and it is no longer yours. Time to stop thinking like that and focus on the path in front of you. This was a bad experience for you both, and you'll be damaging both yourself and her if you keep trying to make things work.

[SayJay]

Thank you for your honest opinion Cerby. Do you have any other suggestions as what to do to get over her? I have been trying to keep myself occupied as often as possible. And I am only worried about her as she does not have many friends aside from me and one other person whom she only talks to sometimes.

Also, I don't think it would be fair for the other person to get into a relationship if I am leaving in four months and if I also still have feelings for my ex. Also, if she tries to contact me in the future, what should I do?

[Cerby]

Thank you for your honest opinion Cerby. Do you have any other suggestions as what to do to get over her? I have been trying to keep myself occupied as often as possible. And I am only worried about her as she does not have many friends aside from me and one other person whom she only talks to sometimes.

Also, I don't think it would be fair for the other person to get into a relationship if I am leaving in four months and if I also still have feelings for my ex. Also, if she tries to contact me in the future, what should I do?

As long as you start dating someone with them knowing you're leaving, then it is no big deal. Much like a summer romance. As for getting over it, treat it like a breakup that has no hope of reconciliation. Delete all her contact, block her facebook/skype/etc, then begin the healing process. Take up a new hobby, train for a marathon, etc. In 2009 I left a 3 year relationship because I didn't see it working long term. I was hurting, so I took up running. I ran my first marathon in May 2010, and have run 9 more since then. Leaving that relationship was the best thing to happen to me, and I met so many cool people in my running group that I had a new group of people to keep my mind off of things. I'm not saying you need to do exactly this, but this is an example of what might work.

[Scarlet_P]

Hi SayJay,

That is a tale and a half. So, you went to college to study to help cure her disease, even though that meant being away from her? Wow. A noble sacrifice, and you're making an even bigger one now. If you take away her illness and the car crash, which I know you can't, it looks like she can't make up her mind about you. This is no good for you, and moving on is the best thing for you (you are not a tap to be turned on and off at someone else's whim). As for how to do that, go out with some single mates, drink a load of beer, and just enjoy being you on your own as a single guy for a bit. You've had such a dark cloud hanging over you, and it's time for a little bit of sunshine. Miss Awesome will come along when you least expect it and you'll be in a position to make her very happy.

I like the idea of the marathon running (cheers Cerby). Running the misery out of your system. I used to do a lot of pushups and think of an ex, as it used to fire me up, and I could push myself further. Other really good activities are archery (for focusing the mind), scuba, sailing, painting, taking up a musical instrument, or joining a team. These boost your self-esteem, and can be social too, if you join some clubs. Also, you'll get pleasure out of just doing them for what they are. Just one thing - don't overdo it on the beer!

[SayJay]

Thank you for your reply Scarlet. I wouldn't actually be able to join a club as I am technically not a student at this University, but I will consider the at-home exercise approach! (It is -40 degrees here so I would not be able to run marathons without freezing =P). And I do have the occasional beer with friends haha. Right now I am trying to hang out with friends as much as possible to get my mind off things. However, I am not entirely sure if this is actually helping me get over her or just distracting me for the meantime. As in, do I need to constantly think about her in order to eventually get over her?

[SayJay]

To tell you the truth, I have never really dated anyone except my ex (And I have never really asked out anyone before; normally it is the other way around). And even then, we did not date for too long. Saying this, I don't have any experience on where to meet women or ask them out..haha...I know, kind of pathetic. Any advice?

[Friarage Girl]

Just be yourself and if they don't like you for who you are than it's their problem.

[SayJay]

Just be yourself and if they don't like you for who you are than it's their problem.

Thanks! What about in terms of asking a girl out? What is sociably acceptable/normal way to ask a random girl out? Haha

[Cerby]

Thanks! What about in terms of asking a girl out? What is sociably acceptable/normal way to ask a random girl out? Haha

Depends on what kind of balls you have really, the key is knowing that there is a 99% chance you'll never see that person again, so striking out has no repercussions. Cheesy pickup lines can be fun, but actually hitting on a stranger can be tough and akward. Find a good conversation starter and become good at using it, which means failing a whole bunch before it may actually work. If you're naturally confident and quick-witted, things go smoother.

"Cold Calling" a stranger can be seriously tough to get a date.

[SayJay]

Depends on what kind of balls you have really, the key is knowing that there is a 99% chance you'll never see that person again, so striking out has no repercussions. Cheesy pickup lines can be fun, but actually hitting on a stranger can be tough and akward. Find a good conversation starter and become good at using it, which means failing a whole bunch before it may actually work. If you're naturally confident and quick-witted, things go smoother.

"Cold Calling" a stranger can be seriously tough to get a date.

Thanks for your response Cerby. My friends consider me to be quick-witted although I am not naturally confident and fairly shy. Are there any tips past this? Or is it generally just 'suck-it-up'?

[Cerby]

Thanks for your response Cerby. My friends consider me to be quick-witted although I am not naturally confident and fairly shy. Are there any tips past this? Or is it generally just 'suck-it-up'?

Practice, and re-affirmation. Remember, no matter how stupid you could potentially look, you will likely never ever see that person again. The slate is wiped clean after every failure, as long as you don't take it personally.

[SayJay]

Heh...I don't know if I will actually date others. It feels weird in this state, still having feelings for my ex and only here for a couple months and such.