Delaying divorce, should I be worried?

[angel31]

I am a 31 year old woman, and I am seperated from my husband, going through a divorce. I am serious with a man that I have been friends with for 12 years, who is also seperated from his wife. We both prepared divorce papers a few months ago, waiting on the time that we could afford filing for divorce. Since then, I have sent the papers to my soon to be ex husband, waiting on his approval of the agreement that I came up with. As soon as I get his go ahead, I will file. (We are trying to do an un-contested divorce through the courthouse). My boyfriends wife lives out of state, and he has said that he has talked to her about filing for divorce, and she apparently said "show me where to sign" and then he mentioned mailing her the papers instead of waiting on her to be back in town, which is a great idea to get it done quickly. Mail her the papers, she takes them to a notery, signs and has them notorized, he then takes them to the courthouse and signs and files them. 30 days later, the divorce is final. My issue is, although the process is easy, he says things that makes me think that he is positive about divorcing her, but then he doesn't do anything with the papers. He asked me for a stamp to mail them, I gave him one...but nothing. All he has to do is text her, get her address and stick them in the mail and wait on her to mail them back. I know that I myself am not divorced yet, but I have done everything I can do. Now the ball is in my ex's court. As soon as he tells me he is fine with the agreement, we will set a date and time to meet at the courthouse and file. My boyfriend hasn't done anything. If he had done his side of it, and was waiting on her, I wouldn't have any issue with the fact that he wasn't divorced, at least then I'd know that he'd done what he could to get it done and that he was serious. What is his hold up? As I said, he says things all the time that makes me think that he does want to divorce her like...the other day he had a dream...he was telling me about it saying that he had dreamed that he couldn't figure out how to fill out the divorce papers and he said "I was afraid I'd be stuck married to her". Things like that, but...it just seems like he is procrastinating sending her the papers. They have been seperated for about 2 years, he has had ample time. He says he wants to marry me...but we cannot start our life, even THINK about getting married until we tie up the lose ends from our past. I understand that he was raised in a home that belives that divorce is wrong and I know that he hates the fact that he will be labled that way by his family. I know that is a big issue for him. But he has also communicatied clearly that his wife is not the woman for him, that they were not good together. But, since that is the case, why won't he just get it over with? I want to start planning our life together, but I can't do that with him legally belonging to another woman. I also grew up in a christian home where divorce is wrong, but it's even more wrong to live with a man who is married to another woman, even if they arn't together. I'd much rather be labled as divorced than be labled as living with a married man. I'm just so insecure about the whole thing. I'm worried that he isn't sure about divorcing her at all. As much as it would crush me, I wouldnt be able to stand in the way of a marriage. I won't be the reason that a marriage doesn't work. But, I want it done and over with, I want him to be totally and completely mine so that we can start planning our life and our family. So confused as to what his procrastination means...if he is certain that he wants to divorce her and if he is certain that he wants to be with me, why wouldn't he just make it happen as I've done? I've at least started the process! I can't handle having his wife hanging over my head constantly worried that he's going to change his mind about us and want to make his marriage work. What does this mean? Is his upbringing so ingrained that it could cause him to hold off on the divorce just b/c of that? Or could there be another reason that I"m not thinking of? Or is he just unsure if that's what he wants to do? Surely after 2 years of being seperated you'd know what you wanted...I just need some advice on what is going on with him and how do I talk to him about it?

[smackie9]

Maybe it's not the fact he is hesitant to be divorced, maybe he is hesitant about marrying you.

[smackie9]

How long have you two been dating for? Are you living together? when did you two move in together?

[angel31]

Well, I would accept that except it doesn't really make sense either...at first I was hesitant about getting married again to ANYONE. But he's always the one to bring it up saying stuff like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and such. The other day we were taking a nap together and we both woke up and he said "I know what it feels like to be drunk on love" cheesy, yes..but sweet as hell. I just don't think that is it. Why would HE bring up marrying me if he didn't want to, and why would that be a reason to not divorce who he's married to now? It's not as if I'm going to demand we get married the 2nd his divorce is final...

[angel31]

We have known each other, been friends for 12 years, together for 7 months, living together for 8. I got an apartment on my own, he needed a place to stay, so I told him he could move in, as friends...then one thing led to another and we are together. He's wanting us to buy a home together...

[bcgirl]

Maybe you should take a few steps back. Step away from all this until he is divorced. Then u two can start back on

[smackie9]

He's just being lazy then. Tell him you will lick the stamp and put it in the mail for him.

[angel31]

I hope so. He is a habitual procrastinator, but this is just too much! I can't have the wife hanging over my head. I'm going to talk to him about it, I just don't know how without coming across as needy, insecure, or like I'm giving him an ultimatum...none of those things are me...and he def wouldn't respond well to those things either...and I'm certainly not ok with ending things with him until he is divorced. I don't see him going for that either. We are totally in love and great for each other. I just want him to be totally mine and I"m not sure how to go about talking to him about it without coming across in the wrong way...

[smackie9]

Just mention it in a joking way say : "Hun have you used that stamp I gave you yet?" or "Good lord the postal service must be real slow....she must have sent them back by now"

[surfhb2]

I think the real issue is that you're hung up and confused with the idea that he's still a married man. He isn't .

I'm sure he'll get to it but ,like you said he procrastinates. Furthermore, why think about marriage so soon? Just my opinion but then again I don't follow religious values. Once you bring God into ANY way of thinking, all critical thinking is lost.


Why not enjoy each other for a bit without getting wound up in details like a marriage license? Not trying too make light of the situation but, damn girl! Life is short!

But if it means so much then just sit him down with the paper and nicely say what you need from him and drive together to the post office..... He needs to understand your position

Stating what you want isn't being needy....and if he's turned off my this then he needs to go bye bye

[HeartIsAching]

Still married, your boyfriend is also still married... I'd be hesitant too.

[bcgirl]

Why rush into even thinking about marriage again? Both of you are still married and going through seperation/ divorce. Do u want to be twice divorced or something?

[angel31]

I actually AM about to be twice divorced, the first 2 times were way too soon. It's not that I'm wanting to jump into marriage with him, I just don't want him to be married to someone else. I'm good with the knowledge that one day we will be married, it doesn't have to be right away. He has been seperated from his "wife" for 2 years, and it's about time for him to end that. My issue is that I want to plan my future...know that one day we will be married. I'm afraid to invest all this time and energy in him, love him as much as I do, for him to decide after a while that he wants to make his marriage work. Also, as for those who think it's too soon, I understand that it may seem that way, but we have been good friends for 15 years. We know each other as well as we are going to. Our relationship was based on friendship first, he is still my best friend. So, when you look at it in that light, I don't think it's too soon at all. Thanks for the advice everyone!

[Wakeup]

Maybe he just doesn't like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Did he spend more than 5 mins on his own without being in some sort of permanent relationship with you (or anyone else)?

[smackie9]

You cannot account for the 12 years you have known each other. Being friends and being in a sexual relationship with someone are two completely different things. You need to give the relationship at least a year and a half before deciding anything. You can't be totally sure at this point that it's the right thing to do.....you have been divorced twice now...you'd think you would be more cautious about marrying someone you have only been dating for 7 months.