Good motivation or bad motivation?

[cs1]

Hi everyone. My question is about my brother, and we are not very close anymore.

My brother has always wanted to retire early. When he reached his age of "retirement", he decided instead to quit his full time job and begin his own business. At the same time, he was dating a girl he had recently met. Over the first year of their dating it was very casual, and his business was doing OK but not great. He decided to move in with his girlfriend, and his business was not doing well at the time. He was getting very little work. In spite of this they got engaged and married a few months ago. Since his marriage, he has connected with a group that has given him a great amount of networking and he has seen business increase at his company. His wife is very successful in her field, and makes a very good salary.

My question is this - do you think his wife/family was the driving force in his decision to hookup with this group that has provided him some success of late? Prior to that, he was not interested in drumming up business on his own - he wanted to generate business on referrels. Do you think it was feeling "less than" to a wife that made more money than him? Or do you think she pressured him to get going on his business or give it up? I don't know her very well because we live out of town, and my brother and I aren't close anymore, but his choices - getting engaged without being on solid footing, etc. - have concerned my family and myself. We are glad he is doing well now, but hope he is also pursuing his dreams in the way he wants.

[searock]

What's the problem exactly? He is happy and successful. Maybe he just changed his mind along the way about the early retiring, maybe he realized he didn't want to be unoccupied after all. What matters is that he is happy now. Why are you concerned?

[ashley89]

It's not as if he is making bad choices... instead of retiring and just hanging around, he opened a business and is successful. He got married and from the sounds of it is very happy... what's there to be concerned about? Are you sure you're not just jealous?

[HeartIsAching]

Sounds to me as if you're trying to find a reason to dislike his wife.

[pcmaster]

Hard to say who wanted it more but sounds to me that things are going up since he met her.

[cs1]

The thing is, he wasn't motivated to do better when they were together initially. Their relationship has been over 3 years, he got serious at a time his business was down ... and did not have a lick of business for the first few months of their living together. He made a few feeble strides right before they got engaged, in our eyes to look like he was doing something, and proceeded to sit around and do nothing more often than not. That is my brother - not very motivated unless things come easy for him. By moving in with his girlfriend he had a steady income without producing one on his own. I'm not trying to make my brother sound awful - he is just lazy. The description above is perfect about my brother - we thought she was either OK with providing for him, or not aware since they were still working out their relationship living together.

It was their marriage that lit a fire under him. We are not sure whether this is a total change from his marriage (he is, after all, welcome to a 100% turnaround) but we are wondering whether she did not say get going or get out - or, if he felt bad because of the discrepancy in his take home pay vs. hers. I am not, in any way, against her. I think she is very nice, but I know my brother and I am concerned. He will resent her if she makes him do things, and for someone to make a change in their life for someone else - well, sometimes that is a short-term fix. My brother is doing great right now, but after the honey moon wears off and reality sets in, I wonder if he will be able to do this for the long term. He is more angry and irritable lately, I'm assuming, from the "new" idea of working for a living.

[Rowen]

I don't really think it's fair to make a judgement because there seems to be not much evidence.
However, if I were you, I'd take him out for a drink or just something where it's the two of you. I'm not saying do this to pump information from him; instead just sit there and say casually if he needs someone to talk to, you're there for him. I know you're not that close, but if he is either of those you've described (feeling bad or being bullied by his wife), then he's going to need someone to talk to. But don't pressure him... Let him come to you.

[ashley89]

I still don't really understand the problem... he is doing well in his business and seems happy with her. you two are grown adults, and you said you aren't even that close, so why does it bother you this much?

[basilandthyme]

It sounds to me like he's married a very good match. A good partner will compliment us and inspire traits we lack.

[cs1]

basilandthyme, I would agree - except it was 3 years after their marriage he managed to get "inspired". I suppose it isn't a big deal; I think we are worried only that he might be feeling more pressure with a successful spouse. I know he is married, I don't know if he is happy - like I said, we aren't close. I am, though, family. I do love my brother, and want the best for him. I only heard that maybe he wasn't all that happy (from another source), and felt the need to "compete" with his wife to show he can bring in "his" share. That's all.

[HeartIsAching]

I only heard that maybe he wasn't all that happy (from another source), and felt the need to "compete" with his wife to show he can bring in "his" share. That's all.

So what if he did? Why is this somehow unsatisfactory to you?

[dem862]

Is the reason you're not close because he has desired privacy and autonomy in his own life?