Urgent help required. Relationship in turmoil

[vzen]

I'm 25, my fiance is 21. We currently live together and are engaged to be married on November 2nd this year. Most of the wedding plans are finalized and things are ready to go. We've been together for just over 5 years.

I have until tonight (about 8 hours away) to provide her with an answer if i still want to be with her or not. I really need some help with everything floating around in my head..

So..

Through our whole relationship ive had doubts about us and her. We've broken up 3-4 times before (every time ive ended it with her) because i keep comparing it to my last relationship which was also my first love. Ive never felt like i used to feel with my ex in my current relationship. I keep putting that down to the first one being my first love and thats the reason why its not all the same. Im constantly questioning if i want to marry my current partner and in my first relationship i wouldve married her at the drop of a hat and never looked back. Is that naivety? or should i feel that same willingness with my current partner? I feel like i know all the answers but im too scared to admit the truth to myself.

Every time we've broken up and ive gone crawling back to her because i felt alone and empty. Things are really good for the first 6 months or so then I start getting that unsure feeling back. After the first 6 months we gradually have sex less, we talk less and i find myself wanting to spend less and less time with her. There are good times though and i keep telling myself that no relationship is perfect and its just growing pains or something. Lately she's been saying that she cant tell me her feelings because of the way i react towards them. (I get very defensive because everything she needs to talk about are problems with us and i feel like its always all my fault) She's been texting an old friend constantly over the past few weeks and we've spoken about how i feel because she's talking to another guy about her feelings but she cant talk to me. She has assured me that they are just friends and i do trust her. She's never cheated on me and actually never lied to me ever. She's always been very open and honest with everything. Her talking to this guy has made me feel even more distant from her. I feel like shes always on her phone and never engaged in our conversations.

Ive lied to her in the past and that's another reason why we've broken up. I feel like im constantly dragging her through the mud with my insecurities to commitment and i dont want to do it to her any longer. I dont have the balls to cut it off with her because every time ive done it ive regretted it and gone back to her. Its a viscous cycle and the last two times it's happened she's said its the last time she's coming back. I guess she loves me so much she cant walk away though. She said she would give me time to decide what i want and if i still wanted her then we could try and work through yet another rough patch.

I have noone to talk to about my feelings if we do break up though. I hardly see my friends these days and i dont feel comfortable talking to them but im scared to do it alone. Scared that ill pull her back in when it gets hard. Thats why ive come here because i feel like ive got nothing else. She is an amazing girl and i sill love her but i want to travel the world and do so many things before i die. I feel like with her im in a constant money struggle saving for a wedding, then a house, then kids, then what? It's never ending and i dont know if i want all that just yet. I thought i did but not im not sure. Am i just getting cold feet and should i stick at this? I dont want it to sound all bad though. There have been so many wonderful times and experiences with her and she is literally amazing. Thats what makes this so hard.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I was never good at english/grammar.
Theres so much more to do with this but i think i covered the main points.

I know the answers probably obvious about what i should do.. i just need someone else's unbiased honest thoughts on this.

Thanks.

[searock]

Sounds to me like you don't want to marry her. You don't even know if you're in love with her... she deserves someone who is head over heels for her. Let her free, stop giving her false hope that you will one day magically fall in love with her.

Why the hell she'd want to marry so young (her first serious boyfriend, too) I don't even know, but that's another story.

[Maple1714]

You need to listen to yourself. Do not marry her. You wont miraculously feel better about the relationship or treat her better just b/c you are married...and divorce costs a lot more than just a break-up.

[IndiReloaded]

The answer is... no. Sorry, but you don't want to be married to her. Man up and let her know so you can both find someone else to be happy with.

[Ilovedogs]

As a girl with 21 years old, and being this my first post, I say this: Screw her. Not literally, of course. She's nothing but trouble from your prespective, so she's not worth it.

[vzen]

Thanks for the fast replys.

I guess ive gotta just do it and move on. Its gonna be hard as hell but its whats best.

Wish me luck~

[Ilovedogs]

Good luck!

[HeartIsAching]

Nope... you don't want to marry her. Wish I'd known that the first couple of times I did... would've saved me a lot of hassle and heartache.

[Wakeup]

Its a viscous cycle and the last two times it's happened she's said its the last time she's coming back. I guess she loves me so much she cant walk away though.

Well, now that she's emotionally engaging with an "old friend" I'd not worry. I suspect she'll definately not come back to you now that she's securing (secured?) someone to replace you.

Get yourself a book on how to overcome co-dependency, vzen and once you've conqured that, you'll not care to go back to her or anyone that you don't really love just because you're afraid to be alone.

[vzen]

Well, now that she's emotionally engaging with an "old friend" I'd not worry. I suspect she'll definately not come back to you now that she's securing (secured?) someone to replace you.

Get yourself a book on how to overcome co-dependency, vzen and once you've conqured that, you'll not care to go back to her or anyone that you don't really love just because you're afraid to be alone.

thanks for the advice.
can you name any books that are good?

i just did it. It was really hard and im already not sure if i made the right decision. Just gotta stay positive and remember its the best thing for the both of us.

[Wakeup]

Don't allow your own weakness to be cruel to her again. You cannot run back to her because you're alone and afraid. If she takes you back again, she's just as issued in the codependent department.

As for reading. Maybe start here and then work your way up. Just google "books on codependency" and several will come up. Keep in mind Anything by Melody Beattie.

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Read all the links that that site points you to.

Good luck. Be strong and have fun while you're single and learn so that you don't pick someone who isn't good for you just so you won't be alone.