Seeking understanding as to why a friend/ex cut me off completely

[someonelikeyou]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice and understanding to my situation, as my ex-boyfriend/friend/lover (X) of 3 years never gave me any closure. He cut off all contact with me Oct 2012. It really is a long complicated story, so I will try to summarise in date order. To sum - we are both in our late 20's and born/bred in the UK. I thought it would make the story more clearer if I use colour codes: black is about both of us, red is about me, blue is about X. Aug 2012 to Oct 2012 is in bold because its related to my present confused hurtful feelings, so if you don't want to read it all (i.e. our history), just skip the rest and go straight to reading the bold section.


March to Dec 2010 - Met off a dating website, clicked straightaway, lots of chemistry and passion, part-time relationship due to a situation with my family. X's Dad didn't like me. Fell in love nearer to the end of the year. I think I loved him more than he loved me. We mutually ended the relationship at the end of the year, due to knowing that there could never be a future together for us, because of our parents! We both agreed to remain as friends!!

Jan 2011 - X moved on straightaway and started a relationship with a European girl half his age. He bragged how happy he was on Facebook several times, which felt like needles stabbing my heart so I told him this and deleted him off my Facebook.

Feb 2011 - We met up for the 1st time as friends after splitting up. He kept saying how much he has missed me, despite him being in a relationship with this European girl.I asked him if he would come back to me(wrong I know now!!!!). He said no and that he doesn't love me anymore. We had sex which he initiated, he felt guilty afterwards and told me to leave his house for good. Neither of us contacted each other, the short friendship had ended and we both needed to move on from each other.

Mar 2011 to Jul 2011 - I was heart-broken because I felt that X had moved on too quickly, I lost my job as a result of it and so went travelling and tried to move on. I lost lots of weight and changed my hair colour/style (as you do!!). Dated lots of men, had a date every week! Nothing lasted though. During March 2011, the European girl cheated on X with his best-friend and then dumped him (as X describes it, it was Karma! and of course I was oblivious to all this).

Jul 2011 - Out of the blue, we bumped into each other at a shopping centre oneday and then went for drinks and a catch-up. He tells me about what happened with the European girl. Hearing this I felt like Muhahahahaahaa, but then lots of sorrow and began to cry because he got hurt!! He had changed and had low self-esteem We both felt the connection again and agreed to go back to being just friends, and meet up once a month for a catch-up, as we felt that Fate was bringing us back together. I also told him that the issue with my family had been resolved, I had moved out of my parents home and he was very happy for me. I never added him back on Facebook.

Aug 2011 to Nov 2011 - We developed a strong friendship. We txt almost everyday (no dirty talk), met up frequently and had a laugh together often. I grew lots of respect for him as a person and fell in love with him completely!!! Little did I know though that during this time period, he met a girl in Ireland who he began a relationship with!!!! They Skyped every night, txt all the time, met up now and then, lots of sex. He never told me this, I only discovered this today. But I remember him saying to me during these months, "I cant stand skinny girls", "I cant stand snogging girls that smoke". Funnily enough he is currently in a relationship/living with this skinny, smoking Irish girl! The point is, he never told me about her, despite us having a close friendship during this time. So I thought he was single and fell in love.

Dec 2011 - Our meetups started to increase. Our friendship turned to something more. We were holding hands everywhere we went, cuddling, flirting, he gave me that lovey dovey look all the time, he kissed my hand. Around Christmas time we exchanged presents, we ended up having amazing passionate sex 5 times that evening! Afterwards we were both left feeling confused, realised we were no longer acting as friends, I left then and went home. Couple of days later he txt me saying "I like you so much, you're the only person that gets me, but I can't have a long-term relationship with you for my OWN reasons." He never told me what those reasons were and I never asked. I also never told him how much I loved him then, because I didn't think it would make any difference to his decision. I was heart broken as to me it felt like he had lead me on all month, to nothing!!! I also know now that he was cheating on his Irish gf all this time. We mutually agreed to never meetup in person again (so we dont end up sexing!) and just stay in touch via txt/web.

Jan 2012 to Mar 2012 - I now knew that we were never going to have a proper relationship and so I began to move on, went back to dating. We still txt/MSN each other frequently. His relationship with the Irish girl became stronger during this time period, and she quit smoking. But still he never told me about her existence, even when I asked "have you met anyone yet?"

Apr 2012 to Jul 2012 - I moved house and further away from X (50+ miles away). But as its a small world, I ended up bumping into X in person again in July 2012, near to my home town!! (Again he called it fate!). And despite the fact we agreed not to ever meetup in person again, we started to meetup twice a month during this time period! We went clubbing, cinema, meals, drinks. I was still single and X told me he was single. (F*****NG LIAR AND CHEAT, he was still in a relationship with the girl who lived in Ireland, whom he met once a month, but of course I didnt know that during the time). Apr 2012 - We had sex twice, he initiated it. Jun 2012 - We had sex, he initiated it straight after a MSN convo with his Irish gf and I was drunk! Both of us laugh it off and realise we cant keep our hands off each other. X mentions that we both cant seem to move on, and really need to!

Aug 2012 - X finally tells me that he met this girl in Ireland and they have been dating since July 2012 (liar!!!). By this time I had an inkling anyway that he was seeing someone, because he was always distracted and coming on MSN messenger everyday. I was actually happy for him, although deep down inside wished I was his girl! Early Aug 2012 he tells me "I still want you as a friend and want to stay in touch/catch up regularly, as you're important to me", but Late Aug 2012 he tells me "My Irish gf is moving to the UK permanently and is moving in with me. I would like to still be friends with you, but could you come on a night out where she was there???" I said yes that I'd be fine with meeting her, cos Ive moved on now. He then tells me that he hasn't told his gf about me or our past, just that I'm sort of like a colleague, which is a total lie.

Sep 2012 - Irish gf moves in with him. He completely cuts me off - no replies to my txts/msn/calls, nothing!

Oct 2012 - One of X's friends invites me to his birthday party, so I go knowing that X and his gf would be there. At the party, X introduces all of us to his gf. X blanks me throughout the party and treated me like a stranger. But me and his gf hit it off and talk loads. Then she told me the full story about how they have been together for a year! Shocked at this - I pull X to one side and ask him why he has cut me off and the only response he could give was "you live 50 miles away, but ok I'm sorry I will get back in touch with you". I never mentioned to him that I know now that he has been cheating on his gf for ages. I then got crazily drunk and went home.

Halloween 2012 - I get a txt of X saying "Hi, sorry about not txting you sooner, been really busy. I'm not doing anything for halloween because my gf is working, so stuck at home! how are you?" I replied back the next day with a friendly txt.


Then nothing!! No txt/contact from him at all. He didn't even reply to my happy new year txt. But I know his number works as I can see on whatsapp that he is using it, and I know he ain't dead as when I find him on Facebook, his profile picture keeps updating. So that's it! I am really devastated. The man who I had so much respect and love for once, turned out to be the biggest liar, hypocrite and cheat, and cut me off just like that without even a goodbye!!! I haven't stopped hurting since October, because I don't understand why he cut me off like that. Please could someone help me understand my situation. Thank you.

Miss Y

[Wakeup]

Apr 2012 to Jul 2012 - I moved house and further away from X (50+ miles away). But as its a small world, I ended up bumping into X in person again in July 2012, near to my home town!! (Again he called it fate!). And despite the fact we agreed not to ever meetup in person again, we started to meetup twice a month during this time period! We went clubbing, cinema, meals, drinks. I was still single and X told me he was single. (F*****NG LIAR AND CHEAT, he was still in a relationship with the girl who lived in Ireland, whom he met once a month, but of course I didnt know that during the time). Apr 2012 - We had sex twice, he initiated it. Jun 2012 - We had sex, he initiated it straight after a MSN convo with his Irish gf and I was drunk! Both of us laugh it off and realise we cant keep our hands off each other. X mentions that we both cant seem to move on, and really need to!

So you ****ed him (again) knowing full well that he was in a relationship with someone else... Is that correct?


Stop this disrespect to yourself and quit wondering "why he cut you off" He's in a relationship with a girl he now lives with. Give it up and find your own guy that you don't have to wait around until he finds the time to do you.

Seriously... You sound so desperate and self-loathing. Stop doing this to YOURSELF. Stop wondering and waiting and wishing for a turd. Time to set your sites on someone else who has time for you.

He's no longer inerested in bootying up with you and can't be bothered being your platonic friend. Do you not see that?

[someonelikeyou]

I haven't mention above that I've been in a relationship with someone else since Sep 2012. And in response to your question, No I didn't know he was in a relationship in Aug, I only found out when she told me in Oct 2012!

[Wakeup]

I haven't mention above that I've been in a relationship with someone else since Sep 2012. And in response to your question, No I didn't know he was in a relationship in Aug, I only found out when she told me in Oct 2012!

Sowwy, I got boggled with the time lines. Anyway: Same advice still stands. He's involved with someone else now and is just keeping a very limited contact in order to keep a hook in you should he ever "run into you again" or it doesn't work out with Irish. O.o He has/had no intentions of being your platonic only friend.

Give yourself closure (you certainly don't need him to give it to you) by accepting that he's good for booty but he's a lousy life-partner. You didn't expect him to maintain the same type and amount of contact with you now that he's in another relationship did you?

Zero contact (no replies to the crumbs he sends you once in a blue moon) so you can get to the stage of indifference to him and anything about him. Pfffft to him.

[smackie9]

You were just a booty call, and you accepted it. This gave him the impression that it's just sex and nothing more, and felt he had no obligation to "end things" properly. Obviously things have gotten more serious with his GF, so he has decided the best thing to stop him from cheating on her again was to completely cut himself off from you.....kinda like going cold turkey.

The guy is a douche and has no clue about respecting relationships or women. You are better off having it end the way it did, and not have him continue to lie to you about things.


***I think he wants to cover his tracks about his cheating....nothing worse than having some of that come up in an email, text, or at a social gathering.

[smackie9]

OH now I see it...... "Hi, sorry about not txting you sooner, been really busy. I'm not doing anything for Halloween because my gf is working, so stuck at home! how are you?" This says, I'm available tonight, the GF is away at work, so why don't we get together *wink*. I bet money on it his GF saw that text and drilled some hard questions on him.....I'm sure she's had some inklings of her own. That would explain him not texting you again.

[someonelikeyou]

Thanks for your replies. We did meet lots of times last year where sex didn't happen cos we were in control, it's only when we got drunk. What I'm saying is, I wasn't just his booty call, we used to hang around together and go for meals/cinema. I guess I was just his replacement gf whilst his proper gf lived in another country. He cared about me loads and helped me through lots of crisis situations and I helped him to get a job/go to uni etc... So it weren't just sex, we both cared about each other.

I hate him now and unfortunately im moving back to the city he lives in, in a few months time to start a new job. My friends think I should take revenge for his cheating on his gf and using people. I'm leaving it to Karma!

[Wakeup]

Thanks for your replies. We did meet lots of times last year where sex didn't happen cos we were in control, it's only when we got drunk.

Then you were'nt in control... you just didn't have the balls to hook up unless you were drunk. Hardly being in control if you actually wanted to but just didn't.

What I'm saying is, I wasn't just his booty call, we used to hang around together and go for meals/cinema.

Then you were friends with benefits wherein there is no intentions (from him anyway) of actually being a monogomous and committed couple.

I guess I was just his replacement gf whilst his proper gf lived in another country.

More like a supplement.

He cared about me loads and helped me through lots of crisis situations and I helped him to get a job/go to uni etc... So it weren't just sex, we both cared about each other.

Being fond of you while having sex with you is normal. It doesn't mean that you will be in his life forever though. He has a partner. Opposite sex friendship dynamics MUST change once one or the other "friend" gets into a committed relationship. There should be no more one-on-one date like activities and definately no more drunken hook ups.

I hate him now and unfortunately im moving back to the city he lives in, in a few months time to start a new job. My friends think I should take revenge for his cheating on his gf and using people. I'm leaving it to Karma!

Your friends are immature and are setting you up as a victim. You are not a victim. You chose to go to bed with him when your relationship dynamic was not defined. That was your choice... he didn't force you to do a thing you didn't want to do while not knowing what you meant to him or he to you. Stop lamenting or even 'hating' him. Even hate is too much of an emotion to give him. Get on with your life and learn from this so you don't repeat the same mistake with the next guy who wants to do you but won't commit or define.

Good luck.. You'll be fine once you come to terms with your own culpability. Once you do that, you'll be able to let it go.

[picklepops123]

You're being used - picked up and dropped when it suits him. Basically, your feelings for him are far stronger than his for you. He has little respect for you it seems and the longer you stay 'friends' with this guy, you will lose respect for yourself. Guys like this don't give explanations, causing you to wrack your brains, thinking it was something you did wrong and more often than not apologise on his behalf. Every so often you allow yourself to see him for what he is but then quickly dismiss your common sense at the slightest contact from him. Do yourself a favour and erase him from your phone and ignore him if he texts, calls etc or you'll be on this yo-yo with him for years. I would also go as far as to suggest you're not the only one he's playing like this. Please take care of yourself. Seriously, erase him from your phone, etc and after a couple of months you'll be pleased with yourself for doing so - he won't actually matter to you half as much as you think. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Just because the guy didn't have sex with you every time doesn't mean he wasn't using you. I think the word we are looking for is denial.