Seek closure or just forget it?

[bob the brave]

Sorry, I've posted this drama before, but now I want closure. Also, a bit long, read if you're bored you may find this amusing.

As you may know, a while back my interest in a girl was declined in favor of a rude, obnoxious married db. This guy flirts with everything, gambles all night, drinks till he passes out and has gang bang orgies. He lies to his wife and two young daughters about all of this, while braiging to coworkers. He brought his girl friend to the office Christmas party even though everyone knows he is married! This guy is also a bully who abuses people emotionally.

After he and this girl hooked up, knowing I had liked her, he came to me in private and said, "I ****** her and there is nothing you can do about it." just to stroke his ego. I also became very sick at the time due to a botched operation. Then a month later she comes to me saying this guy is a zero and wanted to know if I sitll cared for her. I was hurt so I said no and ubruptly changed the subject. She was very upset by this. I reasoned that a girl who would treat me the way she did and have an affair with a married guy of this ilk is not worth further discussion. Now, six months later she is married to someone she has only known for six months.

My problem is this: We all work together and I haven't spoken to either one in 3 months. They also barely speak to each other as well. Myself and this girl used to joke and laugh for hours. I know this snub on my part has bothered this girl. I am not trying to win her back, get revenge, or make anybody feel bad. It has been a while and I just want everyone to be friends, but maybe that is not realistic.

I want to be friends and only friends. I want to mend our ways and get along. I think it would be good for everyone. The problem is that I imagine she thinks I don't speak to them out of jelousy, but I assure you it is not. Yes, I am said she chose another over me, but I would never be truly angry or disrepect them for such an action. That is life. This girl has made a series of very bad decisions in her life regarding men. They player is only one. I want to be friends, but I want her to understand why I broke off communication. I feel that both her and the player lack respect for others. I would like to help her understand this is why I could not talk to them, so that she can learn to respect people more. But, I don't know a way to say this that won't sound condescending and judgemental. I would like to tell her what the player told me. She knows he is a bad guy, but I feel teling her would really help crystalize it for her exactly what kind of choices she is making.

In short, I always like to help others, but at the time she came to me, I was too close. I was too hurt to be a friend with the objective support she needed. I would like everyone to get along, but not if it means just to accept what they did, how they acted because that won't help them mature as people. I know she knows she acted irresponsibly, but can I really help? Should I try to mend things and help her understand or is all that just too much drama and none of my business? I could just continue to ignore them both and go on with my life, but I feel a responsibility to try to make the world a better place, not just say oh well, not my problem and walk away. But maybe that is not realisitc?

[searock]

I can't believe you STILL haven't gotten over this.

If it's so damn important to you, by all means tell her what he told you ("I f*cked her and there's nothing you can do about it", what sort of person says that anyway, a 13 years old?!). Seriously though, what would you obtain? She is already not talking to him, so clearly she KNOWS what sort of person he is. What's the point of reminding her of it, apart from gloating in your "I told you so"?

If you want to tell her that she "made a series of very bad decisions in her life regarding men", just KNOW that she will perceive it as something bitter and judgmental, because it is.

It is none of your business and, as you've been told countless times, you should stay out of it. But clearly you want to tell her so just do it, don't keep asking us the same question over and over again.

[Jazzebel]

If I were you I wouldn't tell her that the 'player' said that to you, I mean it will do her no good. Only thing that can come out of it is her knowing even more that he used her as his own personal toy. I'm sure she already is aware he used her, so why would you throw oil on the fire.

She didn't choose you over someone else. She simply made a mistake, which is perfectly normal of someone to do, than realized she liked/loved you. You rejected her and she met someone else and got married.

It's obvious you can't be friends with her because you are still in love. You should respect her choices and let her be.