Dealing with an unappropriate workplace crush

[Guybrush]

I have been around here for a few months dishing out my opinion on everyone else’s problems, so here is my first call for assistance on one of my own:

It is a boring old, classic I’m afraid. I am a 36 year old married man (10 years into a marriage) that is experiencing a workplace crush. It has never happened before and I hope I never have to experience it again.

Last summer I “discovered” this woman at work. She is in a different company, but in the same company group and same building as mine. Chemistry was fantastic, we seemed to share almost everything, and in the beginning it was only friendliness and a strong feeling of mutual respect and admiration. There was the occasional “innocent” flirting, but then I noticed that I started becoming more and more attracted to her. At the same time, I noticed signs of affection also from her side, and this only made it all a lot worse. I more or less fell in love. We are talking total loss of concentration, sleepless nights and teenager-like stupidity all over the place. Nether of us made a move towards anything physical, but we continued to talk together a lot and enjoy each others company.

I know what I have been through represents some kind of infidelity, at least on an emotional level, and I am not proud of that. Still, I managed to stop before it could evolve into anything more. As a side effect, the feeling of being in love again made me stop and think about how my until recently cold marriage could improve if I managed to channel this passion towards my wife. I am almost surprised to see how well that worked. It is like this was the wakeup call I needed to make the first move towards heating up our marriage.

What remained at this stage was a plan for how to get over my workplace crush while at the same time respecting her feelings and our friendship. My original plan was to wait until the unwanted feelings faded away by themselves. It has worked to the extent that I am no longer in love with her. Yet, I still have feelings for her that are stronger than just normal friendliness. And on top of that, as I have learned to know her better, I respect, admire and value her as a friend more than ever. I honestly want the romantic feelings to go away, since it is not right to entertain these kinds of feelings when in a marriage.

I know the textbook advice here is to maintain distance to my crush, and I am sure that would work in terms of getting over her. As you can imagine, I would really like to keep her as a workplace friend, but understand that if I had to sacrifice that, this would be the price I have to pay. Still, it does not seem fair towards my coworker to suddenly cut her off without explanation. We are in touch almost every day, and she has expressed numerous times how much she appreciates my support and getting to know me.

I am starting to think that the best way to proceed is to talk to her and just be honest with her. Simply tell her that I did have a crush, that I managed to get over it, but that I still have romantic feelings that I may need some time to “get rid of”.

I would like your input on this before I proceed. More specifically:

1: Is being honest with her the morally right thing to do?
2: Would a confession of my feelings somehow flatter her and give her a little confidence-booster, or just freak her out? Bear in mind that I suspect she had feelings towards me too, but I think she now values me primarily as a friend.
3: Will being open and explicit help me get over her, or just make it worse? I can deal with the embarrassment, since I don’t take myself more seriously than being able to laugh about the whole thing.
4: Will it be possible to maintain a friendly and platonic relationship with her afterwards? We don’t work in the same departments and normally won’t bump into each other unless we intend to.

There is a lot more input that might be relevant, but his post is already too long, so I’ll leave it at this for now. I will feed more info as the thread develops, where relevant.

[basilandthyme]

Guybrush, I think what you're going through is fairly normal. Don't be too harsh on yourself. And good on you for seeing this as a wakeup call and acting on it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be honest with your workmate. I'd tell her that you've developed feelings and need time and space to in order to get your feelings back to where they should be.

If you have any annual leave owing, I'd also go as far as taking a few weeks off and doing something lovely with your wife. This will give you space from the co-worker as well as re-kindling the marriage.

As far as the friendship goes, you may well have to sacrifice the closeness of it. Sure, you can still be casual and be pleasant to each other - but pull back on the closeness.

hope that helps.

[Guybrush]

Thanks, B&T, I was hoping that you would be amongst the people who responds to this. It helps, yes.

I am still curious about Q2, though. How do you think she will react? How would you (and other female posters) react in her position?

[basilandthyme]

In her position, I'd like to think that I'd be understanding. And frankly, it probably won't surprise her one bit. I suspect she'll be disappointed to lose you as a close friend - but if she's a decent person, she'll understand that you have to do the right thing for yourself, your marriage and your wife.

[smackie9]

You are doing just fine so far by acknowledging for what is going on and recognizing for what it is etc. This sort of thing will pass, but it needs time....so you will have to teach yourself to divert your thoughts elsewhere when it happens....kind of like quitting smoking or breaking any other kind of habit. Once you get out of it you will wonder what you really saw in them, and feel foolish for it happening.

Telling her how you feel is a no no. This is a common reaction, but you have to stop yourself and really look at the motivation behind doing this. All you are doing is blindly following your desires, and this will not be the right direction to take. See it for what it is. It's wrong.

You are fooling yourself that you can maintain a platonic relationship with her at this time. Again your desires are blindsiding you with hope.

Emotionally you have to be completely over her for this to happen. It may take as long as a year or so, but that depends on you.

Best thing to do is to cut all personal contact or set respectful boundaries, and just keep conversations light or professional.

[smackie9]

Me personally wouldn't find it necessary to be told.....actually it would make things feel awkward. When it comes to things like this in the workplace I would rather just let it go.

[Wakeup]

I agree with smackie.

I wouldn't tell her how you feel... I think doing that is even more of a betrayal to your wife. I think you should just introduce your wife to her. It will be like a cold shower to your infatuation (not love) of this girl. It's hard for me to accept the application of the word "love" here when you don't have anything to do with this women except for your work connection. Anyway, IN my Opinionated, opinion. Telling her is just selfish. I think you should work this out by personal reflection, by prayer (if that's your thing) and by maintaining healthy personal boundaries that you'll not cross or let your work collegue cross either. Continuing to concentrate on your wife and by stopping to put so much value on the other woman will also help you to reign in any carnal thoughts. Crushes are normal.... that certainly doesn't mean we need to be telling every one of them that we have "feeeeeeeeeelings" for them. We're not all in highschool anymore.

BTW: Good on you for re-inventing your emotional connection to your wife. Keep up the good work.

I'll add: What will the two of you do if she says she has the same feelings? Just how difficult, just how much more emotional betrayal will that be to your wife if you are now, on top of everythign else, fighting the knowledge that she has feeeeelings for you too? Let it go. LOVE your wife and take your thoughts and passions to her. Slowly distance yourself from your collegue and if you're doing any after work drinks, lunches, dinners or anything like that... then stop all "dating" each other immediately.

[Guybrush]

Best thing to do is to cut all personal contact or set respectful boundaries, and just keep conversations light or professional.

Thank you, I know this is an appropriate course of action. Problem is, she has expressed very clearly how much she appreciates my support and friendship and how she looks forward to maintaining that. I don't know, maybe she has seen this coming.

I know she would be confused and dissapointed if I cut contact without explaining. And I know I am not just saying that to make excuses for expressing my feelings.

Had it not been for that, this would have been much easier, and I probably would not even need to turn to this forum for advice. I am genuinely concerned about how she will take this.

[Wakeup]

Further to my post above:

Problem is, she has expressed very clearly how much she appreciates my support and friendship and how she looks forward to maintaining that. I don't know, maybe she has seen this coming.

So: you owe her nothing other than your work support. That doesn't mean she gets anything else. You don't have to cut contact... you just have to keep your interactions to the work at hand.

You worry about her too much because You don't want to let go. Back away slowly. Talk often about your wife (in this woman's presence) and how happy she makes you and mean it.

[smackie9]

That's just to bad for her...you are a married man, she knows full well this was going to be stopped sooner or later. She is an adult, she will get over it and move on.

This is what I don't get. Since you are both adults, you should know about emotional affairs and friend zoning. IMO women should know better about being this emotionally involved with a man....men are driven sexually, while women can be emotionally driven with out sexual desire. It is common knowledge.

Anyways maybe explain it to her this way, that this relationship is too much on an emotional level that it has affected your marriage and it has to stop and that it has become inappropriate. I'm sure that will be explanation enough, that the expression of feelings and what not can be left out. That's providing she inquires about the changes.

I agree with Wakeup you owe her nothing but what is needed work wise.

[Guybrush]

Crushes are normal.... that certainly doesn't mean we need to be telling every one of them that we have "feeeeeeeeeelings" for them. We're not all in highschool anymore.

Touché! I would not normally feel inclined to tell her. I just feel I would owe here an explanation for cutting her off.

What will the two of you do if she says she has the same feelings? Just how difficult, just how much more emotional betrayal will that be to your wife if you are now, on top of everythign else, fighting the knowledge that she has feeeeelings for you too? Let it go. LOVE your wife and take your thoughts and passions to her. Slowly distance yourself from your collegue and if you're doing any after work drinks, lunches, dinners or anything like that... then stop all "dating" each other immediately.

It is a good point. And four-five months ago, this would have been a big problem. Now it has faded away enough for me to be 100% confident that I would be able to resist no matter what my crush might have proposed. If it did turn out to be mutual, then at least we would have a common interest in maintaining distance. She has a boyfriend too.

[Guybrush]

Anyways maybe explain it to her this way, that this relationship is too much on an emotional level that it has affected your marriage and it has to stop and that it has become inappropriate. I'm sure that will be explanation enough, that the expression of feelings and what not can be left out. That's providing she inquires about the changes.

She probably would not inquire. Based on how I know her, she would probably just feel insecure and worry about whether she did anyting to upset or insult me. But I agree, if I do chose to tell her, I should probably downplay any details on romantic feelings.

Though I fear you will question my motives, I am still curious about Q2. I think she needs and deserves a little confidence booster.

[Wakeup]

Though I fear you will question my motives, I am still curious about Q2. I think she needs and deserves a little confidence booster.

For some reason, (only you can reflect upon and decide upon) I think you're still intent on playing with fire. Her "confidence" is not your concern. Being overly concerned with her personal feelings of worth is what got you in this trouble in the first place. IMO... telling her anything about inappropriate feelings and causing trouble in the marriage should be left out of any conversation you have with her.

Have you been having lunches / drinks / after-work chats... things like that?

[Guybrush]

Have you been having lunches / drinks / after-work chats... things like that?

No. I have dropped her off after work a few times, and there has been the occational skype messages at night, but never explicitly sexual or romantic.

[Wakeup]

No. I have dropped her off after work a few times, and there has been the occational skype messages at night, but never explicitly sexual or romantic.

Well, I don't have to tell you that needs to stop. If she asks why you can't drive her anymore, just tell her you're going the other way and can't.

One of the hubby's and mine relationship boundaries is NO skyping or camming with people of the opposite sex that are'nt family. Some would find this restrictive but it you think about it... there is absolutely no reason that one could have that would facilitate you doing such a thing. Particularily if you're only work-mates and it can wait until morning. Yes?