Need more help - Infidelity form cont.

[jolynn44]

If anyone remembers my last post, I confessed that I cheated and needed advice. I have remained faithful, loyal, honest.. I have been attending church, and still going to counseling. Well, I need more advice because a major problem came up.

Well, since my last post, my boyfriend has told me a few things that have hurt me deeply. About a month ago, he let me know what his thoughts have been since the incident, and I'm wishing I didn't know. He said he's been wondering if he should kick me out, wondering if he should look for someone/ if he deserves better, and his idea for revenge, which was inviting another woman into our home while I am home and having sex with her in our bed while I'm in the next room. I've been severely depressed, and, no matter how many times I talk to the pastor at my church or talk to my counselor, nothing helps. Nothing makes me feel better. I can't get over those words. I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart. We have been fighting nonstop since, and I hate to fight. And with me being almost 8 months pregnant, the stress is really taking a toll on me.

Last Saturday, we had another fight that lasted from the time he went to work til the time he got off. We made up, or so I thought. I fell asleep early on the couch (which has become the most comfortable thing in my house), and I thought he was watching documentaries all night. Turns out he had signed himself up on a dating site, seeking, what he said, "advice." I'm sorry, but no one goes on a dating site just for advice. Now, I didn't find this out until this past Thursday. I had noticed, though, that he was being very secretive with his phone, like taking it with him everywhere (to the bathroom, to the kitchen, when he would just go to the car, etc.), turning it off when I was in the room, not telling me who contacted him... So, one night, I got curious when his phone went off at 2 am. I was awake because my oldest woke me up. I looked through his phone, and found messages from two different women - one was a prostitute, and the other I didn't know. I woke him up and demanded to know. He said he was on the site, and the other woman was from the site. The prostitute he found through Craigslist. We fought for two hours that night (well, morning). When he went to work, I figured out his log in for the site, and he posted some of the most horrible things about me. He even posted a picture of himself, shirtless. (Please pardon the language that's to come. This is what I found on his page.) On his status, he made several statements: "Where are all the loyal honest marrying type of women?" "Preggo gf cheated. Don't know if I should get rid of her or stay." "If I were single, who would be interested in me?" "I'm a one woman man. I want to find someone who is faithful, but instead I got stuck with a lying, cheating a** preggo gf." Then he messaged over 50 women, asking, "Would you be interested in me?" "You are so gorgeous (or pretty, beautiful). Would I have a shot with you?" "Lying preggo gf cheated. Should I?" "You know you're sexy, so I'll skip the obvious. Would I have a chance with you? Problem is I'm still living with my lying cheating a** preggo gf. Should I kick her out?" Then there was one girl that asked him for sex. His response was, "I'd like to, but right now I'm on my way to pick up my car." I was in tears. I couldn't help but wonder if what I've been doing, and what he has asked me to do, is even worth it.

We fought again last night about the site, and told him I considered this cheating and very hypocritical. I then asked him if he really wanted to split and only see his daughter once a week (he only has one day off a week), and he said no because if we split he will file for full custody and I will lose her. I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed. I can't wrap my head around everything that has happened. I don't want to lose my baby to this man. I have suggested counseling for both of us, but he refuses because he says it is a waste of time. Yes, I messed up, but I have been doing good. I have been trying my hardest to repair the damage.

Can someone please tell me what I can do?

[madotnw_nihs]

Unfortunately, one occurrance of infidelity is all it takes to end the relationship. It may be that there is nothing you can do to repair this. I can't speak for everyone, but if my significant other cheated, chances are it will be over. Was he like this before you cheated? It is also immature on his part to be doing this behind your back. He should just end the relationship if he keeps doing this. Also, would you loose the custody battle with him?

[jolynn44]

He says I will lose the battle, but in Texas, custody is awarded to the mother unless she is found unfit financially, mentally, or has a history of substance/alcohol abuse. I have none of those. Currently I cannot work because of complications during this pregnancy. But I have a job lined up post partum. He will probably lose because he has given a child up for adoption, has smoked pot, has smoked cigarettes, plays video games until 3 in the morning, has driven home completely drunk, almost got fired from his job because of it, the list goes on. He was very immature before I cheated. His main focus was the video game.

[madotnw_nihs]

Do you want to be with him? It seems like he is quite immature, although I do like video games till 3am as well. As long as someone cheated, it gives the other party ammunition to act reckless and do the same. Can you live with this going on even after marriage? From what you have stated, it seems that he won't change soon or at all.

[jolynn44]

Stupidly, I do want to be with him. I can't not be with him, because it is too painful. Even with everything going on, I still love him. I can't trust him, but I love him. He can't trust me right now because of what I did, and I don't blame him.

[jolynn44]

What I really want from him is the compliments he gave those girls. I have never received a compliment like he gave those girls. It hurts.

[madotnw_nihs]

You will be unhappy for the forseeable future. Does he even want to be with you besides the child issue? You asked him if he really wants to split and his answer was no because he will file for full custody. He didn't even say he wants to be with you because of you. You have already confronted him about his cheating (emotionally), but will most likely lead to physically cheating as well. What was his response? Will he ever stop or he doesn't care?

[jolynn44]

He says he isn't sure of what he wants. I asked him what his feelings are for me. He said he does still care but not in the same sense, lust, and then there's the distrust. I'm making him stop and delete his page on the site. He isn't too happy, but I say it's better he does it so we can actually focus on us.

[madotnw_nihs]

If you want to venture down this road, just be prepared that it will be difficult. Lust, distrust, still care are not the greatest feelings to have with your significant other. Deleting the page won't solve the issue because he will use other avenues. I know breaking up is always difficult, but life is short. Do you really want to spend years knowing you will be unhappy. I wish you luck and hope it works out.

[HeartIsAching]

He's trying to hurt you back. He's also using threats to keep you from leaving.

I can tell you from experience, there's nearly zero chance he'll get awarded 100% custody, unless there's something you're not telling us.

[Wakeup]

He says I will lose the battle, but in Texas, custody is awarded to the mother unless she is found unfit financially, mentally, or has a history of substance/alcohol abuse. I have none of those. Currently I cannot work because of complications during this pregnancy. But I have a job lined up post partum. He will probably lose because he has given a child up for adoption, has smoked pot, has smoked cigarettes, plays video games until 3 in the morning, has driven home completely drunk, almost got fired from his job because of it, the list goes on. He was very immature before I cheated. His main focus was the video game.

Why do you stay with him?

[jolynn44]

I've said everything. I'm being honest about everything. When I can't talk to my pastor or my counselor, I usually talk to bf's dad. He's not taking sides, but he isn't too happy with his son and his actions. He isn't happy with me either, but at least I'm not trying to screw up anymore.

[jolynn44]

I've been asking, and been asked, the same question. I have no real answer.

[Wakeup]

I suggest you figure it out then. He sounds dreadful which doesn't sound very helpful but if you think about it, maybe you'll get the strength you need to detach from an abusive drunk who says he forgives you but just wants to keep you around to abuse you for what you did.

[Maple1714]

Ugh, you should leave your BF and be alone until your child is older.