Friends or NC?

[Jamo22]

I posted another thread on here with the whole story if youd care to read it

But in short..me and my now ex, were together and madly in love for 3 years. Im 23 and shes 21. We were very serious and planned to get married

We had a very amazing relationship, shared some truly incredible moments together. In the last year however, we became quite routine and boring. Staying in instead of going out. Going to sleep instead of having sex etc etc...the passion kind of died because of how 'set in our ways' and comfortable we got. We werent living together, but spent almost every day, at some stage of the day, together. She broke up with me 4 months ago saying she no longer loved me. She says she is still attracted to me, but just does not love me anymore. She is very upset she fell out of love. We've stayed friends, and early on in the breakup she cried into my chest, said she missed me, and ended up kissing me a few times. She has a box of all our photos, presents and anything related to our relationship, collected from over the three years. I made her a slideshow of photos on a pen drive, with the backing track 'goodbye my lover', for her to put in the box. I showed it to her and helped her pack up the box as a way to say goodbye to our relationship and start a new one as friends. While watching the slideshow, she cried. She told me looking back, she's sad that we are over, and wishes she never fell out of love. She's upset that she did. And she said if she could wish for her feelings to come back so she would want to be with me, she would. But she can't force her feelings back, and they just aren't there anymore. I told her I loved her and will move on, but will always wait for her in my heart, so come back to us if she ever feels something for me again or has a change of heart. She said she would definitely, and we are staying good friends.

And no the friend thing isnt something shes just saying to make herself or me feel better...wev been hanging out alot as friends and chatting as friends through txt, facebook etc for the last couple of months. Hasnt been awkward or anything, just felt like normal..was just like we were before the breakup, comfortable, good conversation, good fun, but obviously just not intimate or loving with anything we say or do with each other...which is what I want. Wev already arranged trips to visit and stay with each other through the year in our different cities. She told me I'm the best friend shes ever had, and wants to remain good friends for the rest of our lives. Soo...I don't think its bull**** somehow haha

Also she wouldnt talk to me at all about her seeing someone else, she wouldnt come to me about problems with another guy or anything because I've told her I never want to know, and unless I ask, I don't wanna be the friend she talks to about that kinda stuff, she has other friends for that, and she respects that

Keeping in mind that we are also going to be studying at university in different cities this year, so there is no chance of bumping into or seeing each other around, except for a few months in the summer when we will both come back home for the holidays. If we are friends, we can stay in touch, make the effort to catch up and visit. If I go NC..it may just help her move on from me totally?? SO stuck with what to do!! Please consider all this carefully and help me out..what am I best to do??

I love her so much and am devastated to lose her. I am moving on, getting out, meeting new people etc, doing my best for myself..but deep down I want her back, and I think I always will. What do you think, am I best to stay good friends with her like she wants? (Have the opportunity to flirt with her subtly, be there for her, show her a good time, and try to encourage some feelings back again) OR do I go NC and say I can't be your friend, I want more, and if you ever find that you want more again too, then come back to me (hence cutting her totally from my life, and her possibly missing me more and wanting me back in months or even years time) Whats best to do for the chance of possibly getting her back???

P.S...I dont want people telling me 'shes never coming back, move on'. I don't want people giving me speeches on what I need to do to heal and to move on etc etc. I'd appreciate just my question answered..which is, in your opinion, whats the best method in this situation of getting her back?? AND if you know of any stories of ex's losing feelings but then coming back later on in life sometime wanting to get back together, I'd appreciate hearing them. cheers. For all the people rolling their eyes. I am moving on, seeing other girls, and it is gradually getting easier. But I love her, and I think theres nothing wrong with holding a little bit of hope, thanks

[Beenthere]

You are obviously amazingly close... but you are also still very young. I think you should move on and do what you have to do in your life. She has been clear that although she loves you, its not in that way. Its possible she might change her mind over time, sure anything is possible, but I dont think she will change it in a week, a month or maybe a year. Ive no doubt when you both go off to college, get busy, life is going to get in the way or your cosy friendship, new partners wont like the relationship and eventually one or both of you will move on.

We didnt have mobiles/FB etc when I was 23.. so in these situations we tended to move on and break contact more easily. I imagine now at least keeping some sort of contact with this girl will be possible, on the off chance she comes back to you. But Id lay money that eventually you wont miss her and wont mind either way.

[michelle23]

Im sorry to hear about what your going through. It must be very hard and you are making it harder for yourself by being her friend.

First of all, i think she does love you still but probably is unsure of what love is supposed to feel like. The only thing that was missing from your relationship was sex and she says shes still attracted to you so i think if ye managed to fix that problem, you both would have been fine. Most people have an idea in their head of what love is supposed to be like or feel like but its normally unrealistic so when that unrealistic expectation is not met people start to wonder whats wrong even though there is prob nothing really wrong. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that. She needs to learn that on her own.

Now the only chance of getting her back is to go no contact. Act like you have accepted it, your not too bothered and stop making any effort to spend time with her. Give her time to miss you and she may come back. Sometimes it might take a rebound relationship to make her realize she wants you.

Sometimes you just have to accept tho that it really is over and you need to move on.

Either way no matter what happens, no contact is the best thing for you. Stay strong

[michelle23]

Im sorry to hear about what your going through. It must be very hard and you are making it harder for yourself by being her friend.

First of all, i think she does love you still but probably is unsure of what love is supposed to feel like. The only thing that was missing from your relationship was sex and she says shes still attracted to you so i think if ye managed to fix that problem, you both would have been fine. Most people have an idea in their head of what love is supposed to be like or feel like but its normally unrealistic so when that unrealistic expectation is not met people start to wonder whats wrong even though there is prob nothing really wrong. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that. She needs to learn that on her own.

Now the only chance of getting her back is to go no contact. Act like you have accepted it, your not too bothered and stop making any effort to spend time with her. Give her time to miss you and she may come back. Sometimes it might take a rebound relationship to make her realize she wants you.

Sometimes you just have to accept tho that it really is over and you need to move on.

Either way no matter what happens, no contact is the best thing for you. Stay strong

[kskts6115]

[QUOTE=michelle23;870400]Im sorry to hear about what your going through. It must be very hard and you are making it harder for yourself by being her friend.

I totally agree with this. By being her friend you are hurting yourself more. I'd say try no contact. They say if you really love something then let it go, and if it comes back its yours but if not then it wasn't meant to be. The only way I think you two will know if your meant to be is to give it time apart. I know it sounds like the worst thing ever but honestly it will be better than your situation now. Right now you are trying to be her friend but YOU still have all those feelings for her, do what's best for yourself and give it space and yourself time to heal a little.

It's obvious from your post that you really do love her but right now you guys really do need a break from each other. You are obviously young and they say you only have 10 years in your 20s.. Do you want to spend that pinning after someone who doesn't love you the way you need? You deserve someone that does love you and can make you feel loved too. Even though its hard to see now time apart is probably the best thing to do for yourself and your sanity. Believe me I know how it feels to lose someone you love because they don't love you. It's the worst feeling ever and I'm still going through it, but you have to realize you deserve to be loved back too. And I wanted to be friends with this person too, but it really doesn't work if one person still feels the same. It just will hurt you more. I just wanted to tell you this because I want you to understand I know where you are coming from and I know the pain of what you are going through.

[michelle23]

I think she is still clinging to you because she is not ready to let you go. It is unfair on both of you. You do still love each other-you just let the intimacy and affection go. Thats where you both went wrong.

It is time to say goodbye properly otherwise you will never grieve the loss and let each other go. If you are this close than there is every chance you can make a go of it again one day and if its meant to be you will find a way back to each other but for now you need to accept its over and try to live your life without her. You may in time decide that you never want to go back or you both might realize that actually what you had was special and you need to go back but either way you cannot learn unless you stop holding on.

Every relationship goes comfortable after awhile and that's when you both need to work harder. Go out together once a week, spend time alone, spend time with family/friends together or apart, find ways to make sex more exciting-don't stick to the same old stuff, curl up on the couch and cuddle each night instead of sitting on opposite seats, fall asleep in each others arms, kiss each other hello/goodbye, hug 5 times a day etc...

No matter who she goes out with next, she will probably find herself in the same situation again and be confused again but that is not a good enough reason to walk away. But like I said already she will have to learn this on her own.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Jamo, you are a twat.