My first post on here, please be gentle.
My husband and I have just celebrated our 2 year anniversary in January. Long story short, I moved to England from Canada to live with him close to 2 years ago, and life was perfect. Until not too long after my arrival I found out I was pregnant - we both weren't ready having just started our life together and despite everything I miscarried. Needless to say, it was a difficult couple months for me after that. Things between my husband and I got more and more difficult, and I started to suspect that he might be seeing someone else.
He left himself logged in the computer one day I was home from work (and we can all see where this is going) he was on numerous dating sites, on webcam with girls, explicit photo exchanging, the works. He denied it over and over - but I never could believe him.
On top of that, I was having trouble keeping jobs, I had gone through a couple, honestly it was all out of my control and nothing I had done to deserve it - however I had savings in place which kept us going. He would consistently freak out when he would check the bank statements, obviously we weren't on cloud nine but I wasn't going overboard with my spending (which he admits now).
Cut to august last year, between my jobs, the money fights, lack of intimacy and trust - then I got news that my grandfather in Canada was extremely poorly. I had to go home to be with him, look after him as nobody else could. While I was in Canada, I picked up a part time job purely to send money back to UK for our bills. When I got back a month later we agreed on a new beginning and things were really like they were when we first lived together.
Until he left the computer logged in again. I woke it out of sleep mode to find he was still on webcam with girls, and all the same as before - if not worse because he was trying to arrange meeting up while I was in Canada. There's no word to explain this except for completely heartbreaking.
When confronted he said when I left for Canada, he thought I wasn't coming back - that I had broken his heart. I never once said I was leaving because of him, or that I wasn't coming back. The whole time I was gone we spoke everyday, had the occasional fight - and he can be extremely hurtful (throwing the hate word around, etc)
Anyway, most recently he started checking my facebook and etc. The only thing he could find was some convos I had with an old co-worker, which weren't intimate or anything - but because he was a guy, my husband decided I must be trying to 'get back at him'. I went out for my sister-in-laws hen party this past weekend, didn't get home til 2-3am and now he thinks I was sleeping with this guy that night. He's said he really hates me, wants me to move back to Canada. Then ever since then - total 360 - acting like nothing is wrong. In the end he's twisted it so much that I was apologizing, he made me feel like I HAD been cheating. Its taking everything inside me to feel that love for him again, but after a month of being accused of cheating and being beaten over the head with abusive words - is it possible?
Sorry for such a lengthy post. Maybe I just need a vent - but any advice would be much appreciated. I love my husband. I just don't feel like he loves me, the way he makes me feel like I'm not enough. Nothing I do is right. He used to comment about my appearance, but this lack of trust (he even accused me of stealing from his business at one point). There just doesn't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.