Is our relationship on borrowed time?

[hopelessworrier]

So, this might be a complicated and long winded one....
I've been with my girlfriend since the end of september, so not all that long, but I DO know that I love her with all my heart.
The problem is, it's a fairly long distance relationship, as she lives in Essex, and I live in Oxfordshire. We have been quite lucky in that my sister has a place in London, so spending time together hasn't been too difficult.
BUT, she took on some extra training in her job after Christmas, and that has meant she now works a lot of weekends, and I have seen her twice since early January (todays date:12th february).
Up until Christmas, we had got on so well, were obviously deeply in love, and were even making plans to live together (that may seem very quick, but we both agreed that nothing about it felt rushed).
Her parents do not know about her relationship with me, as she was previously married, and there were some difficult circumstances surrounding her marriage break up, including her family deciding not to have much contact with her (her brother even said that as far as he was concerned, he had no sister!! who does that??).
As I understand it, her husband was abusive, violent, manipulative, and generally a nasty piece of work (and a vicar, no less!!).
So, after a conversation with her parents, she decided that perhaps we shouldn't move in together, as it wouldn't be fair on me if her parents wanted to come and visit, and I would have to make myself scarce.
I can understand that, and have dealt with my feelings about it.
Then, just very recently, one of her old friends (an ex boyfriend from years ago, who she was with for 6 years, and had become almost like a member of her family) was attacked outside a nightclub, then died later in hospital. She was down as his next of kin, and was the one that had to make the decision to switch off his life-support, a tough decision for anyone to make.
The thing is, this whole situation has made me feel incredibly insecure, as I'm acutely aware that I can only ever hope to be as special to her as he was. Am I wrong to feel like this?
I've tried to talk to her about my feelings (which I think I should be able to do, shouldn't I?), but she gets very defensive, and says I worry too much, and that my imagination runs too wild.
I appreciate that this is an incredibly tough time for her, but I also feel she's shutting me out, as she won't talk to me about any of it (even though she once told me I'm "her rock").
She's also saying that we're in "different places", work wise and location wise.
I'm trying desperately to find the right job near to her, so that we CAN spend more time together, and it is going to take a little bit of time.
I think what I'm looking for here is an unbiased opinion on what I can do to try to save our relationship. I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love someone, and sometimes wonder if she feels as strongly about me.
I'd realised some time ago, that I want to marry this woman one day, to start a family with her, and generally enjoy a life with her, and she'd said that she wanted those things one day too, but now I'm just not so sure.
I've asked her if I'm just being daft, and just reading into stuff too much, and I haven't really had an answer to that question.
I so desperately want everything to work out between us, and I can't actually visualise my future without her in it, but I'm starting to feel like I should accept that it's just not meant to be.
There is a lot more detail I could go into here, but I think I've probably rambled enough.
Pleeeeeeaaaaaase somebody, HELP!!

[Wakeup]

It's the same old answer that everyone gets around here when someone is spewing their emotional guts out to their SO who then starts to wonder if they love the spewer as much as the spewer loves them. Back off and give her a chance to show you if she does or does not miss you. Stop being the initiator of calls and visits and see if she calls and asks you where you've been. If she doesn't ask you, then yes, do the work to accept that she's not on the same page as you so that you can leave the relationship, heal and find someone who does care.

Hopefully she'll wonder where you got to and she'll stop taking your love for her for granted. Keep in mind that continuing to ask her if "everything is alright" and her continuing to tell you to stop worrying will get you no where but annoying her.

[hopelessworrier]

Thanks, I can try that, but obviously things are difficult while she's dealing with this friends death, which is now a murder enquiry. She says she needs to deal with all this her own way, which may mean that she is a little out of contact. I feel I need to make
sure she knows that I'm here for her when she needs me.
I just don't want her thinking I've abandoned her.

[Wakeup]

Thanks, I can try that, but obviously things are difficult while she's dealing with this friends death, which is now a murder enquiry. She says she needs to deal with all this her own way, which may mean that she is a little out of contact. I feel I need to make
sure she knows that I'm here for her when she needs me.
I just don't want her thinking I've abandoned her.

This reply is the exact opposite to what I suggested you do. Leave her alone and let her deal with whatever it is she has to deal with (including her grief for the loss of him if she has any). If/when she wants you, she knows where to find you. In the meantime, get out and do things that make you happy, meet often with friends and kindred spirits. If you don't have one, now is the time to start a hobby or do something you've always wanted to do but just never found the time to do it. If you're happy while in your own skin, you'll be a better partner when/if she comes searching for you.

It seems counter-intuitive but the worse thing you can do is to chase someone who is (or appears to be) running away from you. Give her time to wonder where you went and appreciate You more than she recently has been. If she never turns around to see where you are, well then best to find out now instead of stagnating in limbo of her making.

[hopelessworrier]

Ok, I will give it a go. It really does seem counter intuitive given the circumstances, but I guess I've got nothing to lose really.
I just hope it has the desired effect!!!
Thanks.

[EEDEE]

My advice being a woman would be to let her have space. Women don't like to feel that they are being tied down and maybe at the start of relationship things got a little carried away etc.
she needs to deal with the death of her friend and this may take time. She may not want to involve you in dealing with it but that's her choice. It'll be difficult for you but it sounds like she's drifting away. I think you need to prepare that she may never come back but that's not your decision. It's hers. People go through all sorts of emotions when a close friend dies. I've been there. It's really down to you to find something else that fills your time and takes your mind away from worrying about her. Good luck. And remember there are millions of women out there.

[michelle23]

You should just give her some space and let her work through this in her own way. If she needs your support-she will come to you. Dont be clingy or needy-that is not attractive and you will just push her away. Just understand she is going through a difficult time right now and needs time. Stay strong and be "her rock" when she comes to you.