boyfriend and male best friend troubles

[lou_doe]

Backstory: I am female and one of my best friends is someone I dated briefly (say, 2-3 months) about a year and a half ago. We got on really well but there was no real passion. He broke it off with me, I was pretty upset for a few months and we didn't talk much, then he and I started seeing other people and we became very close, as friends, after the dust settled. Our friendship was admittedly a bit ambiguous for a while when we were both single at times and leaning on each other as a distraction from our dating problems (yes I know...not super healthy, but not that unusual?), but it was made clear that we would never again attempt a relationship. We stopped the ambiguous portion of that relationship last summer and have had a completely platonic, non-romantic, non-sexual relationship ever since.

My issue: I met a boy around the time my friend dumped me. This person and I became friends and started seeing each other romantically about 5 months ago. I really love this guy and I think he loves me. I'm determined to be in a healthy relationship with him, but my aforementioned best friend is getting in the way. My boyfriend is not comfortable with our situation; he understands that we are just friends, but, because of our past, I think he thinks there is still some sort of intimate/romantic interest there and it's putting a huge barrier between us that's preying hard on both our insecurities.

I understand where he is coming from. My best friend recently moved pretty close to me and, in the past, he and I did everything together most of the time, even just as friends. Now, things are different. My friend and I see each other much less frequently (as we're both seriously dating other people and we're more interested in spending time with them, of course) and I've tried to create obvious space between us to illustrate to other people that we're not "together". I still enjoy spending time with my friend and we care about each other as family, but my boyfriend gets priority when it comes to my time and energy and love.

There have been a few incidents and misunderstandings in the past months in which my boyfriend's become convinced that I'm giving my best friend priority over him and I don't know what to do. I never cheated, emotionally or physically, and have no interest or intention of ever doing so. My current boyfriend questions my motivations and the motivations of my best friend.

I realize this is a pretty obvious pickle, but it's just how everything's unfolded and I'm honestly not romantically interested in my friend any more. I only have eyes for my current bf, but I do want to maintain my friendship on some level. I don't know what actions to take to make this clear to my boyfriend. He has insecurity issues and I think he needs to work on those, but I think I need to do something too to make him feel supported.

Is this a lost cause? I feel that there must be some way to keep both people in my life if I alter my behavior and redefine my relationships, but I'm not sure how.

Thank you for your help.

eta: I feel like I should describe the two of them to shed more light on this sitch. My ex/bff is an extrovert and a social butterfly. He comes off as super-confident and he draws a lot (A LOT) of attention to himself (and in turn, he has drawn a lot of attention to our short-lived relationship/current friendship). My current boyfriend is very introverted and tries not to draw attention to himself. He prefers to keep his relationships/our interaction more intimate/private. I do not prefer one of these personality types to the other, but the former situation has caused me a lot of issues within my social circle because people (including, understandably, my current bf) have a lot of misconceptions about my ex and me. I hope that makes sense.

[Wakeup]

Are you hanging with your male friend one-on-one without your current boyfriend with you? What does your boyfriend say he would like you to stop doing? Does he want you to cut ties altogethe or what?

[lou_doe]

my friend and i do occasionally hang out one-on-one without my current bf around, but that's not our only interaction and it's been pretty infrequent these days. we also hang out in groups together, and we hang out with my current bf (though hanging out just the three of us has also been infrequent lately because things seem strained).

he has not requested that i stop doing anything that i'm doing (i think he's trying to respect my autonomy or he is feeling insecure or something) but i imagine he'd be pretty stoked if my best friend wasn't around.

[Wakeup]

I'd not want my boyfriend (husband, SO etc) hanging one-on-one with a female friend either.. I personally feel that when you're in a relationship then your opposite sex friendship dynamic has to change in order to maintain respect to your SIGNIFICANT other. To top it off you've not been a lifelong friend but rather a past lover. To hang one-on-one with a past lover who is a short term friend, will usually always cause angst with a primary partner.

If I were you, I'd cut out the date-like activities with your past lover/friend and keep your interaction with him to only where your boyfriend is included.

I don't think this has much to do with lack of trust but rather lack of respect for your primary relationship that your boyfriend is probably feeling. IMNSHO.

[michelle23]

I agree with your bf. Lose the "friend" or eventually lose the bf. Its your choice. Why stay so close? He dumped you. Pointless stayibg friends

[Cerby]

I agree with the other posters to a point. A friend of the opposite sex is fine, but the fact that he is a past lover means that there was at some point attraction between the two of you. This can make the current guy uneasy as it is much easier to rekindle a fire that has only recently died down than making a new one. This will come to a breaking point one way or the other, you'll be forced to make a choice between your boyfriend or your ex (note, althought he is a "friend", he is also an "ex").

[lou_doe]

Thanks, Wakeup. I'm honestly not trying to disrespect my dude, but I'm starting to see how it's coming off that way.

I think I have to clarify, it's not so unusual within our friends-group to be friends with past partners (I'm friends with two exes, my bff is good friends with most of his exes, my current bf is friends with some of his exes/past hookups). That and I've actually been friends with my bff for years now (in response to your comment about short term friends), we just got closer after we got the dating thing out of our systems. I'm admittedly somewhat uncomfortable with some of his friendships now and again, but I think it'd be unreasonable for either of us to expect the other one to ditch our meaningful friendships.

Anyway, I initially thought cutting back on the one-on-one stuff would be enough but maybe I need to quit it altogether like you suggest. Thank you for the input.

[basilandthyme]

lou_doe, I'm trying to gauge just how close you are to the ex.

My hubby and his friends have exes scattered through the social group, but none of them see each other 1:1, share phone calls or private texts. They can engage happily at a party, but they aren't close. This level of 'friends with the ex' is fine with me and I would imagine many others (not all!) would be OK with this too.

However, you describe your ex as being your 'best friend'. This is keeping him far too close - and will probably be an issue in all of your future relationships too. I think most guys (even secure ones) find this as being somewhat uncomfortable.

[lou_doe]

basilandthyme, I can see your point, and honestly, me 5 years ago would probably find this situation as odd as it probably sounds to all of you. The full story is that my best friend and I were platonic friends for a very long time, we both found ourselves single in 2012 and thought it would be a good idea to date, tried that, it failed, and then we realized we still really value each other as friends even if the romantic attraction really isn't there. This wasn't a hot-and-heavy fiery relationship at any point; it was more of a "hey, you're cool, I'm cool, we're both reasonably attractive, why don't we give this a whirl?" situation.

I think this is where my big issue is. It sounds black and white to everyone else, but it's hugely like...gray to me.

Anyway, thank you for the input. I thought I was scaling back enough already, but it sounds like it might never really be okay with him regardless of how bff and I feel.

[lou_doe]

michelle23, I usually cut exes out of my life, and there -was- some animosity for a while, but people forgive each other in certain circumstances. I value the support I get from the friendship enough to overlook past slights. I will never pursue this person romantically again though.

[michelle23]

Its your choice but most men would feel uncomfortable with this situation as would most women the other way around. Eventually it will lead to trust issues, jealousy, paranoia, resentment, anger and ultimately a break up.

Anyway its only a matter of time before your best bud falls head over heels for someone and starts avoiding you. Its prob better to cut the cord now so you can both get on with your lives.

Even IF nothing sexual happened in the past-it is never a good idea to be this close to someone else. It gets messy, confusing and complicated and can lead to an emotional affair especially if your relationship is going through a rough patch..

[basilandthyme]

I thought I was scaling back enough already.

If the ex is your 'best friend' then you haven't scaled back near enough yet. Yes, be casual friends and chat at parties - but this really is as far as it should go.

[VincenzoG91]

I'm reading an excellent book on conflict resolution right now called Getting Past No, to help work on some recent issues that I've been having with my girlfriend. Anyway, I read a relevant quote earlier today:

"...it has taken me 25 years to unlearn what I learned at Harvard Law School. Because what I learned at Harvard Law School is that all that counts in life are the facts -- who's right and who's wrong. It's taken me 25 years to learn that just as important as the facts, if not more important, are people's perceptions of the those facts. Unless you understand their perspective, you're never going to be effective at making deals or settling disputes."

So, in your mind, this shouldn't be a big deal because the best friend is just the best friend. But that's not nearly as important as your boyfriend's perception of that relationship. And the time that you spend alone with the best friend looks bad, especially given that he is also an ex. The fact that this kind of friendship is not uncommon in your immediate social circle doesn't really help, as you have even admitted that many of your acquaintances from that crowd think that you're with the ex instead of your actual boyfriend.

Try to figure out your real priorities here. To me, it looks like you are still a little too attached to your ex, especially since you were the one that got dumped. So maybe you're still hoping that relationship might heat up again, which is why you're not willing to give up spending time alone with the ex even when it jeopardizes your current relationship.

But maybe I'm biased. I don't actually believe that men and women can be platonic best friends unless the guy is gay. Otherwise, sooner or later the guy is going to start thinking about sex or more. From what you've described, that is certainly true in this case, because your so-called best friend actually did get serious about you for a while. And despite the current circumstances, it could happen again. If you're serious about your current boyfriend, you will knock this crap off with the ex before it leads to more drama.