I am 40 years old, 2 kids just out of their teens, one still at home and the other has grown up and is making a life for herself
I have a partner of 3 years who is really great most of the time, i am not perfect myself so i do not expect that of anyone else. I try to learn from my mistakes and try not to do the same things again, but if i do I then i try something new and different to not repeatedly hurt myself or anyone else. I try to be considerate and respectful, and all i ask is the same of others in my life.
Of late there has been many issues with my partner and i and my child who is still at home.
I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and lost, i have tried talking expressing my thoughts and feelings, i try to have an open discussion about issues, but lately i am feeling empty and really unsatisfied with the conversations and the outcomes. I am tired of the same old "i cant do anything about the past I can only try from here" and I am left with the feelings of hurt confussion and self doubt. I have tried many times to move past things and wipe the slate clean but at this point in time i am exhuasted, i just can not overlook or even move past disrespect, inconsideration, lies and sneakiness anymore. I have always been the one to "just get over it" i will voice my concern, pain and/or anger, i will have a sook then get up and shake it off and move on, I mean what else can you do? I just cant seem to do it anymore, these things are piling up and i dont even have a chance to get over one thing before there is yet another thing I am to forgive, understand, move past, get over.
Everything was going fine so I thought, a few bumps here and there between my man and i but I thought it was mostly going well, then i found out yet again that he was secretly looking at porn, this has been an issue for us in the past, it is not something I am comfortable with and there was an agreement made, however this agreement was never really agreed to by him it was only said to "shut me up" and he continued doing it anyway, all the while lying about it. Because like i said this had come up a few times before i decided this time that I wouldnt make an issue of it, i would not ask him why or to stop. I just told him that i knew about it and that I would do my best to accept that that is something he wants to do regardless of how it makes me feel so i will try to tackle my issue with it another way, by dealing with it on my own and just trying to ignor and accept it. This however made me distant, it is very difficult for me to force myself to accept something that I really dont like. He however has once again given me promises of it not happening again and he is so very sorry and all he can do is work on it from now as we cant change what has been done. I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!! I dont hate anything but geewizz do I hate that line!! To me it is being used as a get out of jail free card, do what you like and then if caught claim you wont do it again and say it's in the past. Time and time again it's the same line!!!!! So if i punched him in the face (i never would) every Monday morning, apologised should everything be fine again every Tuesday cos it's in the past? I dont think so. Maybe that is a little far fetched but that is what comes to my mind now, i am not even able to try and move past it all anymore, to be honest i dont think i even want to. I believe that everyone should endure the consquences of their actions, but what are the consquences? Sorry to have gone on and on, but it does feel a little better getting some of my feelings out there where someone may actually have something helpful to respond with.
Thanks for reading this I am sorry its so long.