What's she up to?

**davidjones** · 21-02-13, 05:40 PM

Hi,

I broke up with my girlfriend at the start of January. Well she broke up with me. I tried to get her back, she said she needed time. Since then she's messed me about a bit. We've had a couple of days like old times where we've just been kissing and holding each other. I've been through a lot and I think I neglected her a bit but I needed her more than ever and she walked away. She says she still loves and she wants to be there for me but I feel like our time together meant nothing to us because of the way she has behaved since returning to Uni.

She's never been one to go out much, but since returning she's been out 7 or 8 times in 3 weeks and shows no sign of slowing down. I've cut all contact with her because the confusion about whether she wanted me back or not was tearing me apart, she said she was sad but understood. I haven't heard from her for about a week and I wanted to get a women's perspective on what might be going on.

I'm worried that maybe she's over me and is trying to find someone else, which would really hurt because I'm not even close to being over her.
On the other hand is she just going out so much because she can't stop thinking about me? In which case why is she putting herself through this?
Or is she just trying to get over me and trying to distract herself?
Or could it be that this is just what she wanted, she's only 21 after all - I just don't understand why she wouldn't just tell me that.

We promised each other that we wouldn't see other people until Easter why we tried to sort out what we both wanted - but she said she wanted to concentrate on her Uni work - not party 3 times a week. I want to trust her but I feel she might be breaking her promise which I know I have no right to hold her to, but it still hurts.

I'm so confused because she said she loves me and misses me but it doesn't feel like that.

**basilandthyme** · 21-02-13, 06:06 PM

Sorry David, but it sounds very much like she's in the process of moving on. I know that she didn't tell you what her plans where when she ended things - but perhaps she didn't know either.

My best advice is not to wait for her - I think you'd find it's wasted time.

**ashley89** · 21-02-13, 10:49 PM

if she broke up with you there was a reason it ended. I know you still love and care about her but when someone makes the decision to end a relationship, it means they have thought it over and decided it wasn't working for them for whatever reason. she may have felt lonely or missed the attention of being with you so she continued to hang out and kiss you, but that was wrong on her part. if she needed time or didn't want to be with you she shouldn't have kept up the contact. I believe if she wanted to be with you she would have just gotten back together with you and wouldn't be making all these excuses or dragging you around. I would start the slow process of moving on yourself, actions speak louder than words and if how she is acting doesn't match up to what she says, it is time to let her go.

**Boisdevie** · 21-02-13, 11:53 PM

She's already left the relationship only nobody has had the guts to actually say so. Assuming this to be the case does it matter if she's out there trying to find somebody new to shag? It's over. Deal with it.

**smackie9** · 22-02-13, 05:43 AM

Don't think she is trying to find someone else, because she just turned 21 and doesn't NEED to be with anyone. It's partytime! This is good for her because she is at a time in her life where she can enjoy her freedom, enjoy the clubs, dancing and attention of many...why get stuck in a committed relationship?...there is plenty of time for that later.

**michelle23** · 22-02-13, 08:05 AM

Not every young person wants all that freedom that smackie speaks of. You can enjoy going out and dancing whilst in a relationship with plenty of attention and sex from the one you love. Im 23 and more than happy to be in a ltr. Ive no interest in the single life as my bf and career are more important. Im quite ature for my age tho so maybe thats just me.

OP you need to look after yourself and try to heal. If shr comes back-decide then if she deserves a second chance but for now try to accept its over, deal with the grief/pain and heal slowly. Surround yourself with friends/family and keep busy. Join a hobby, focus on your career or studies. Try to stay positive.
Look up the stages of grief-it will help you sre light at the end of the tunnel.

**ashley89** · 22-02-13, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by michelle23

Not every young person wants all that freedom that smackie speaks of. You can enjoy going out and dancing whilst in a relationship with plenty of attention and sex from the one you love. Im 23 and more than happy to be in a ltr. Ive no interest in the single life as my bf and career are more important. Im quite ature for my age tho so maybe thats just me.

the OP said the girlfriend has been out partying and going out more often than before they broke up, so this to me says that smackie is right. she probably felt suffocated in the relationship and now that she has freedom she is enjoying it. she wouldn't be going out if she didn't want to, it's not like someone is forcing her to do it. regardless she has ended the relationship and the OP should just accept it and start moving on before he gets hurt even further. it would be awful to sit around waiting for someone who's actions don't show she wants the same thing as him.

**davidjones** · 22-02-13, 04:29 PM

Originally Posted by ashley89

the OP said the girlfriend has been out partying and going out more often than before they broke up, so this to me says that smackie is right. she probably felt suffocated in the relationship and now that she has freedom she is enjoying it. she wouldn't be going out if she didn't want to, it's not like someone is forcing her to do it. regardless she has ended the relationship and the OP should just accept it and start moving on before he gets hurt even further. it would be awful to sit around waiting for someone who's actions don't show she wants the same thing as him.

Whilst it's true that she's going out more than she use to there is no way she felt suffocated. If anything it was me who felt suffocated, she wanted to spend every minute of everyday with me, when she broke up with me she claimed I was pushing her away as I hadn't seen her quite as much over Christmas, but I was spending it with my family, and I had seen a lot of her over the festive period too. It just seems so strange that she can go from wanting to see me so much to just nothing with apparent ease.

I have accepted it's over, but she's said a lot of things such as "i can't be with you right now" or "it's not right to get back together at the moment"....I find this confusing, I don't know whether she's trying to string me a long in case she gets bored of being single or whether she's genuinely trying to think about us. My gut however tells me she's stringing me along. It hurts because I feel she got over us so quickly, and I really felt we were so close. Now I feel like I didn't know her at all.

**michelle23** · 22-02-13, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by davidjones

I have accepted it's over, but she's said a lot of things such as "i can't be with you right now" or "it's not right to get back together at the moment"....I find this confusing, I don't know whether she's trying to string me a long in case she gets bored of being single or whether she's genuinely trying to think about us. My gut however tells me she's stringing me along. It hurts because I feel she got over us so quickly, and I really felt we were so close. Now I feel like I didn't know her at all.

Either way OP it is irrelevant what her intentions are. You should just cut all contact and focus on you. IF she does come back-the ball will be in your court but for now tell yourself its over, don't contact her and try to heal. I know its hard and it hurts but you will get through this

**ashley89** · 22-02-13, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by davidjones

I have accepted it's over, but she's said a lot of things such as "i can't be with you right now" or "it's not right to get back together at the moment"....I find this confusing, I don't know whether she's trying to string me a long in case she gets bored of being single or whether she's genuinely trying to think about us. My gut however tells me she's stringing me along. It hurts because I feel she got over us so quickly, and I really felt we were so close. Now I feel like I didn't know her at all.

I agree, it does sound like she's just giving an excuse. I wouldn't wait around for someone who isn't interested in getting back together

**basilandthyme** · 23-02-13, 04:52 AM

Originally Posted by davidjones

It hurts because I feel she got over us so quickly, and I really felt we were so close. Now I feel like I didn't know her at all.

As she was the one to end things, she was probably over you by the time she called it quits. She'd already done all her navel gazing while deciding whether or not to continue in the relationship. So, by the time she got herself out of the relationship, she was able to hit the ground running.

**michelle23** · 23-02-13, 05:18 AM

See every heartbreak as a positive as it will lead you closer to your perfect fit

dont dwell on the past, focus on now until you heal and then you can look forward to the future

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