New girl not over her ex?

[Dynosaur]

I've started dating a girl recently and I've never met someone that I have so much in common with. We joke that we're twins. We have this extreme connection that I haven't felt with anyone else in a long time - perhaps ever.

About me: I'm a 30 year old male, been divorced for a about two years now. I've dated a lot since my divorce but have not had a relationship last over a month since my ex-wife.

About her: She's 30, recently divorced, getting over a short marriage that left her physically, emotionally, and socially damaged.

I have only one concern about my current situation - the girl talks about her ex-husband a lot. She talks about the bad things that have happened to her, she shows me pictures with them together, she talks about the feelings she's had to deal with after their breakup. She's been seeing a therapist and she says she's in a much better place than she was months ago and her therapist even said it was okay that she begin dating again.

Even though she's received the nod from her therapist, and even though we seem to have this rich and satisfying connection, I am concerned that I may be a rebound for her.

Is this a legitimate concern, am I simply making this a big deal because I'm scared that I may be developing intense feelings for the first girl since my ex-wife, or is it something else?

[searock]

She may be ready to date again, but is she ready to begin a serious relationship? What does her therapist say?

[michelle23]

She is looking for a friend, someone to lean on, she needs to talk about the past in order to heal and it will take time. Just be a friend to her and maybe you will get together in a year or two when she is in a better place emotionally. If you date her now-you may just be a rebound.

[FlaCooln]

Just show her your different then her ex. She probably has a lot of resentment towards him and once she realizes she has a great guy in front of her it will fade. Just take it slow and have fun.

[Dynosaur]

Thanks for the responses. The conflict I have is I can tell that she wants to date me. I just don't know if she's ready, and I don't know if that is something that I have the right to determine for her. I know when someone tells me how they think I feel, I usually respond with, "I know me better than you know me."

Another thing about her: she's not attracted to nice guys as she views it as weakness and her relationship history is with guys who treat her bad. She says I'm unique because I have just enough edge to keep her interested but I also treat her well. She has friends she can talk to. If I turn into the friend who listens to all her feelings toward her ex, I'm afraid I'll disqualify myself from being more than a friend.

[ashley89]

why don't you try talking to her about it? if she seems interested and you have a great connection it sounds like things are going down the right path, but if you still feel insecure or unsure about it you could always bring it up to her to see how she really feels. then you'll know whether you're on the same page or not!

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the responses. The conflict I have is I can tell that she wants to date me. I just don't know if she's ready, and I don't know if that is something that I have the right to determine for her. I know when someone tells me how they think I feel, I usually respond with, "I know me better than you know me."

Another thing about her: she's not attracted to nice guys as she views it as weakness and her relationship history is with guys who treat her bad. She says I'm unique because I have just enough edge to keep her interested but I also treat her well. She has friends she can talk to. If I turn into the friend who listens to all her feelings toward her ex, I'm afraid I'll disqualify myself from being more than a friend.

You're smitten with her already. Does it really matter what advice we give you at this point? You're not going to leave her even though she's got a problem with her self-esteem to the point of it being a real issue (hence why she picks men who treat her poorly) hopefully, she'll not get bored with you because you're not giving her the drama she's accustomed to. The good news is that she's (finally?) getting professional advice to help her with her issues. Do you know anything about her childhood, did she have a good relationship with both parents? Was she happy and contened overall?

My suggestion although rather practicle vs romantic, is to change the subject when she brings him up or kindly tell her that subject is something she should be discussing with her therapist. It's very often proven time and time again that when someone is constantly talking about an ex.. then they are far from being over them romantically and/or the issues within that relationship so keep your heart off your sleeve for awhile. It's only been six months since you've been seeing her so take your time with allowing yourself to become vulnerable to her.

You might want to google "Rebound Relationship" and educate yourself about what could be going on with her. Also keep a check on possible "White Knight Syndrome" you can't fix her so don't try by being her emotional catch-all when it comes to her ex and "what he did to her."

To add: Sorry, I re-read your opening post and see that you are aware of rebound relationships. Are you her first since her therapist told her it was "okay for her to date?"

[michelle23]

Another thing about her: she's not attracted to nice guys as she views it as weakness and her relationship history is with guys who treat her bad. .

Run from a women like that. She has low self esteem if she is attracted to men who treat her badly. You cannot fix her.

[Dynosaur]

Perhaps I represented myself poorly. I have no desire to be her White Knight, I have no desire to endure listening about her ex when it doesn't come up naturally, and I don't want to be just a friend in hopes of convincing her to be with me. Normally I would not get involved with this girl. I've stopped seeing other girls in the past who weren't over their ex.

I don't want to get too deep in the specifics of her past relationships because those are intimate details, but what is different about this situation (to me) is that she is aware of her issues and is seeking help. I feel that this is a positive sign.

I posted because I wanted to make sure I had reason to worry that I may be a rebound and it's not just being freaked out that there's a girl out there that I can open myself up to. It sounds like being a rebound is something I should keep an eye out for.