Need Advice (mainly sex/labido mismatch)

[jjbob]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years (dating since highschool), so together as a couple for a total of 16 years. A little background...

We got married at a young age (I was 25). We both have successful careers, share a nice home, and have 2 amazing children ages 4 and 2. Before our kids we did go through some extremely rough streaks. About 6 years ago on new years day my wife confronted me that she had been having an affair with "the" best friend (at the time - no longer acquainted) for the past 6 months.

Counseling followed for a couple years and it helped me realize that I needed to change a bit about myself. Mind you the pain of losing trust in the person you feel closest too, the disgust and embarrassment of knowing the person you shared vows with being intimate with not just another man, but that man being another person you trusted, and then the pain of losing your friends and having no one to talk to or ask for help during this period because your only 2 friends 1) the man your wife had an affair with/best friend 2) the friend of the best friend who chose to stay friends with a adulterer (I informed him of the situation). Even after writing this 6 years later it still causes a rush of negative emotions to fill me. I found that counseling at first helped quit a bit, but later found it would just end up being "healing takes time"... Through this I found that her "reason" for the affair was that I wasn't investing enough time with her, which I agree I wasn't, and my best friend at the time was a total douche and turned out he tried similar moves on every woman he socializes with whether they are in a relationship or not.

If you have read to this point, thank you!

So now to today. I do love my wife very much (always have), I love our family, and our life. Yes, there are times with young kids our life can be trying but its a small price to pay for the riches I have. I still have no friends outside of work. Its hard to find people with similar interest after losing the friends you hung out with since highschool. And I work in a small office and both men are 10+ years older. We dont really share any similar interests.

So here is my problem, Im finding it very depressing/frustrating with love making/sex. Since counseling our communication has improved a lot. The first issue was that I enjoyed/requested too much foreplay all the time, I respected that and now I do my best that when she mentions that she wants me that we move to the intercourse, and as much as I can I will cut foreplay short or skip it. She asked that I would kiss more... done. The frustrating part is that I will explore her body and try new things on her (that apparently she really enjoys) while respecting her limits. My priority when it comes to sex it to make sure she is enjoying it 100% of the time. But for me it just seems routine...the all too familiar, I now whats going to happen next and is this whats going to happen for the next 10-20 yrs I mention some things but it will only happen that time.

For example, the other night after giving her an amazing orgasm and letting her fully enjoy it, she then sits up looks at me and says "how do you want to finish?" the funny thing is 3 of the 5 options I would like I know are not going to happen (already requested previous = denied). But its just the fact it feels to me like its a chore for her, there is no "you took care of me, now Im gonna take care of you" feeling, its feels like more "ok -im done, lets get this over with" type of vibe. I wish she would take matters into her own hands and seemed interested - add the element of surprise and unknown.

You may ask why I dont finish while during intercourse. When trying to conceive I had no issues I find now with protection and lack of foreplay it difficult to finish.

The other issue is she seems to always have girl problems down there... She thought it might be me giving it to her (since I wear a toque), but after using protection for months and her still having issues come and go we ruled that out. we tried different condoms, lubricants... Its extremely difficult because a majority of the time if I try and touch her she is complaining that it is sensitive. I try and be so careful but it seems no matter what I try its always irritating her. Is this normal, It's to the point that Im easily discouraged since I dont know how to touch her. Also, during foreplay and/or sex, she will just suddenly stop to rub or scratch for a short time. Im glad she feels comfortable to do this but when you are getting stimulated by your partner, then she stops for a while, then she starts, then stops... you get it.

Im going to stop and see what you have to say until this point.... thanks again all for taking the time to read and give your input.

[michelle23]

"Through this I found that her "reason" for the affair was that I wasn't investing enough time with her" that is not an excuse to have an affair. Nothing is. She should have went to marriage counselling before this affair began. Just my two cents on that..

As for her "girl problems" down below. Suggest she goes to the doctor. It sounds like repeat yeast infections to me and she can easily get that sorted. A checkup may solve that issue.

You need to explain to her what you need. Most women NEED foreplay far more than men do so I am surprised this is an issue where you want more and she wants less. But the best thing to do for foreplay for both of you is a 69.. You could also try having a bath together beforehand or a massage.

If you feel like you give and she takes-that needs to change. Can she orgasm during intercourse? If she can it may make it better for both of you.

You need to compromise and she should want to please you as much as you want to please her. You could suggest you try some new positions and look up the kama sutra together-that can be fun.

Communication is important and she cant read your mind so you need to voice your concerns/frustrations in a non confrontational way. Talk about it calmly-not before, during or after sex. Maybe in the kitchen over a cup of tea and if you cannot come to an agreement-it may be time for more counselling.

[michelle23]

Another thing you could try is to ask her to finish you off first every now and again. She might show more enthusiasm as she will be thinking about whats gonna happen next..

[Wakeup]

You sound very unhappy with her in general, never mind just in the bedroom. Have you discussed any of this with her yet? This is something that you definately have to discuss with her and if you have and she's not done anything to improve then I'm thinking what you see is what you get and are going to get from here on in. Well, there's always a visit or three to a sex therapist.

Was she a starfish lover prior to the affair or is this just since your attempts at reconcilliation?

[Boisdevie]

Communication. Tell her how you're feeling. Explain what's not working. She's not a mindreader.

[jjbob]

"Through this I found that her "reason" for the affair was that I wasn't investing enough time with her" that is not an excuse to have an affair. Nothing is. She should have went to marriage counselling before this affair began. Just my two cents on that..

Agreed, but I understand as well, we are all human and far from perfection. There will not be a second chance if I found out she was cheating again.

As for her "girl problems" down below. Suggest she goes to the doctor. It sounds like repeat yeast infections to me and she can easily get that sorted. A checkup may solve that issue.

She has been to doctors, gynecologist, specialist, naturalpath... unfortunately the problem still exists.

You need to explain to her what you need. Most women NEED foreplay far more than men do so I am surprised this is an issue where you want more and she wants less. But the best thing to do for foreplay for both of you is a 69.. You could also try having a bath together beforehand or a massage.

I've tried before talking about it. At first she seemed receptive, now she seems to get angry with me. The bath is a great idea, but our tub is too small for that. We have taken shower before but its small so we have to move once things get going. I will try massage - thank you.

As well, I personally love 69, but I think because of her yeast issues she refuses most of the time.

If you feel like you give and she takes-that needs to change. Can she orgasm during intercourse? If she can it may make it better for both of you.

Yes, as far I know, she orgasm's everytime during intercourse. The problem with that is Im not able to finish. I have to suit up since we are not ready for more children.

You need to compromise and she should want to please you as much as you want to please her. You could suggest you try some new positions and look up the kama sutra together-that can be fun.

Funny thing, Ive tried watching videos and reading to try new things and try and find solutions to issues. The other day she said "I think my issue with sex is my labido is low, can you look up things for me to see what I can do..." Im sorry, If you were serious, why wouldnt you research and see what relates to you. Im expecting the next thing for her to suggest is "what may make things easier is you jerk off for most of the time and we can have sex when I want to". My reply will be "sorry hunny, we been doing that since our first child." . Im just getting tired of being the one to always be pushing the envelop....

Communication is important and she cant read your mind so you need to voice your concerns/frustrations in a non confrontational way. Talk about it calmly-not before, during or after sex. Maybe in the kitchen over a cup of tea and if you cannot come to an agreement-it may be time for more counselling.

I will try this. Maybe my mistake is I bring it up during/after.

Another thing you could try is to ask her to finish you off first every now and again. She might show more enthusiasm as she will be thinking about whats gonna happen next..

I have suggested this before... it happened once. I feel that for her to have me finish is work. You know you can read it in a person's face and body language, and then she asks why I need so much stimulation?!?!?

You sound very unhappy with her in general, never mind just in the bedroom. Have you discussed any of this with her yet? This is something that you definately have to discuss with her and if you have and she's not done anything to improve then I'm thinking what you see is what you get and are going to get from here on in. Well, there's always a visit or three to a sex therapist.

Was she a starfish lover prior to the affair or is this just since your attempts at reconcilliation?

Why do you say I sound unhappy with her? And yes we have discussed this. We live in a small-old school city. I dont think there are any sex therapist here. But I will look into it.

Not sure what you mean about a "starfish lover" sorry. But what pains me at times is to think that she could have sex during the affair...I wonder what issue they had? Would it have continued for so long if they were?

[jjbob]

Communication. Tell her how you're feeling. Explain what's not working. She's not a mindreader.

I guess I neglected the fact that I have communicated with her before about this. At the same time I know its a quality passed on to my from my father that we assume all can read minds. I will bring it up again, when we have a moment away from the kids.

[Wakeup]

Why do you say I sound unhappy with her?

Well, first you self-confess that you didn't spend enough time with her and then the affair and now problems in the bedroom which often manifest due to other issues within the marriage. You being unable to finish is often due to psychological reasons in that your head isn't in the right place for you to pop. Trust has a lot to do with who you are engaging with. Do you truly trust her now? Just some things to think about.

And yes we have discussed this.

And she's still not tried or trying? Perhaps she needs reminding and guiding and verbal instruction during your sex sessions until she 'gets it?' Was she always this way or did this just come about since the affair?

We live in a small-old school city. I dont think there are any sex therapist here. But I will look into it.

Likely you'll have to go somewhat out of town, but it's an important issue and if you can't get a change out of her after talking, guiding and instructing and even if she changes it up and you're still not able to pop, then it would be a good idea to do a bit of travel IMO ... if you have no intentions of leaving her.

Not sure what you mean about a "starfish lover" sorry.

Someone who just lies there expecting theirs and not too concernd with your happiness. Does she feel remorse when you don't cum? Does she question her own ability?

But what pains me at times is to think that she could have sex during the affair...I wonder what issue they had? Would it have continued for so long if they were?

If you need to ask her those questions to get your point across then I would ask them. If this is just one example of what goes through your mind then it's no wonder you can't orgasm during coitus. Did she have pain or over sensitivity down there prior to the affair? Has she been checked out to make sure all is copacetic with her plumbing?

Sorry you're going through this.

[michelle23]

Both your issues could be psychological-her pain down below and your inability to finish during intercourse. If there is no medical/hormonal reason-i suggest counselling.

As far as i no problems with sex are a BIG issue after an affair. Some more treatment may be necessary

[michelle23]

Also her lack of caring about sex or satisfying you could be because she is unhappy. Was she forced to stop the affair because you found out ot did she stop it herself?

[jjbob]

Trust has a lot to do with who you are engaging with. Do you truly trust her now? Just some things to think about.

No. I want to but, honestly for her to have an affair let alone 6th months with my best friend really makes it hard. I know its been 6 years and its getting better but its still difficult when she goes out on her own to do arrans or she needs to work a little late once in a while. The kids are a catch 22. They help distract me when she does go out, but also prohibit me from checking on her if I wanted to. I dont obsess about it, but its there in the back of my mind - not during sex, mostly when she has to go out.

The thing that worries me the most is that her father has had multiple affairs, the current one even continued while his now deceased wife(died from cancer) knew all about it. I think even though I want to trust her when she tells me that she will never be like him and never cheat again, the blueprint is right in front of me.

And she's still not tried or trying? Perhaps she needs reminding and guiding and verbal instruction during your sex sessions until she 'gets it?' Was she always this way or did this just come about since the affair?

She tries the first couple of times after we discuss it, but then its tappers. Its not so much her technique, like I said, its in her body language. I think what gets me is I know the way she could be when she was intoxicated, she was exciting and very into it. Unfortunately, being intoxicated all the time is not possible when you want to be responsible parents. Also makes me think that the only way she can be into me is when she is drunk.

Someone who just lies there expecting theirs and not too concernd with your happiness. Does she feel remorse when you don't cum? Does she question her own ability?

I dont know if she feels remorse. I think its more frustration and questioning her ability to make me cum.

If you need to ask her those questions to get your point across then I would ask them. If this is just one example of what goes through your mind then it's no wonder you can't orgasm during coitus. Did she have pain or over sensitivity down there prior to the affair? Has she been checked out to make sure all is copacetic with her plumbing?

Yes, her issues where prior to the affair. She has been check out and I dont recall if they found any issues. I dont believe they did. She was examined when we where having issues trying to conceive.

[jjbob]

Also her lack of caring about sex or satisfying you could be because she is unhappy. Was she forced to stop the affair because you found out ot did she stop it herself?

I had no idea about the affair until she told me. From what we discussed, she didnt fell right having the affair any longer and they both agreed to stop it. She wanted to tell me because she wanted no chance of it starting again.


Its funny how when you write out your life (from my perspective) how obviously horribly troubled it most likely is viewed by others, but you still want to fix it and make it right.

[pcmaster]

Get her a vibrator and time to time check batteries so you can tell if shes used it.

[michelle23]

These doubts in your mind and trust issues are a big issue OP. Have you told her how you feel about that? She needs to reassure you or it will never go away.

Are you sure shes not exaggerating the pain during sex? To avoid sex? Is she depressed?

[jjbob]

Yes, over the years I have brought these up. Its to the point where I wonder if they are my kids. Their is no reason to believe they are not, but unless I secretly do a DNA test I dont know if I will ever 100% believe it.

Are you sure shes not exaggerating the pain during sex? To avoid sex? Is she depressed?

I dont think so, she says once we are having sex it is fine. Its just when I touch her or preform oral.

She may be depressed. she hated her job for the longest time, her mother just passed away last fall, he father moved his GF (adulteress) in with him a couple months after her mom died. But this has been going on since the birth of our first child. Before then there was a window that was amazing.