31-year-old virgin guy (story, need advice)

[Craving Hip]

Hi, this is hard to talk about and none of people I chat with online regularly know this, but I've delayed it long enough. I'm a 31-year-old virgin. I'm a shy sensitive guy who was raised in a sort of a semi-religious household and went to an all boy school. On top of that, my mom was a very insecure person those days (she's better now in her 60s, though still quite insecure and controlling) and had fits of rage and threats of suicide, alternating between suffocating me with attention almost as if I were a lab rat vs abandoning me, and loving me and overvaluing me one minute and absolutely despising me and feeling ashamed of my slightest shortcoming the next minute. But when she was loving, I felt like nothing else mattered. My father was a workaholic and not a loving person though he was the one who taught me the importance of studying hard and not giving up in life. Anyhow, so all in all, in my teenage years, I barely established any friendships, not with guys or with girls. My focus was studying and that took most of my time. When I was about to start college, we moved to another country because of...well,that's a long story itself. Anyhow, around this time I had become quite religious myself and pretty much did my best to eradicate all my interest in the opposite sex.

But in this new city in this new country, I was exposed to girls in college, to guys dating, necking, girls in short skirts, flirting, laughing, with guys my age, with guys much younger than me, I was overwhelmed. I feared to look the girls in the eyes, I feared attraction to them, I wished but also feared their attraction to me. It was just too much. A problem that would appear when I was anxious as a kid, made a return. I started to sweat profusely. My mom was always quick to point out my sweating as a kid, as if it were a huge embarrassing flaw, and all that did was make me sweat more. I would do anything possible to hide it and again, like someone who had a serious blushing problem or stuttering or whatever, the more you try to fix it, the worse it gets.

Fast forward many years later, college done and a degree obtained but then deep depression that lasted for years, my parents health issues and my sibling's serious mental health issue, my own lack of autonomy which has not allowed me to have control over my own destiny, financial problems, etc, etc, I am trying to start a new life. My depression has gotten better and I have worked through some of the abuse stuff involving my mom and the trauma involving my sibling. But in order to feel motivation to get going with my life and a course of studies leading to work, I feel that I need to sense a real possibility of me having intimate relationships in the future and hopefully finding a beautiful, intelligent, kind, caring, and loyal partner...somehow.

God loves everyone. Am I so revolting that I have no chance for anybody I would have feelings for? People are not perfect, they have the disgusting and smelly and angry and sweaty and weird and weak and withholding side and they also have the beautiful strong clean confident generous kind caring side. Even with my mom, I'm just angry at the damage she did to me when I was a little kid, I don't think she's unworthy or a "bad person."

But I'm totally clueless. I really don't know where to start. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of intimacy. I'm afraid of hurting the girl, getting badly hurt myself, I fear being vulnerable, being open, I fear being touched lovingly. And I fear that I"m not manly enough for a girl. No, I do have the hairy chest and and I don't look the stereotypical feminine man, but I'm quite sensitive and soft spoke and shy. I also fear diseases. I'm fairly healthy myself (don't smoke, do drugs, though I'm overweight) but I worry of catching something. The list of STDs is horrifying. One mistake and I could catch some serious infection or worse, some deadly disease and life's pretty much over. Or if I impregnate someone accidentally. Or what if I have to break up with someone. I never forget my mom's rage. It perplexes me when I see guys chuckle about a breakup when in reality the girls screamed obscenities at the guy or broke his stuff or threatened suicide.

I've gone on Amazon to look up sex books, I'm not even sure what to look for, dating tips, how to make friends, sex positions, STDs...Don't laugh, but I remember going to my chemistry course in college and this beautiful girl sitting there with long legs and I just wanted to touch her thighs. Sometimes I think I should just become bold for a day and just go to a "massage parlor" or something and just get the sex out of the way so I don't worry about it. I bet if a girl hears I'm a virgin she gonna think something seriously wrong with me no matter what my explanation.

But I'm sick of being afraid. My whole life is been about fear. I want to do things but carefully. I don't want to get diseases but also don't want to imprison myself in a bubble. When you drive, there is a very small chance, like one in a thousand that you gonna have a serious accident. We have to live with those changes. I can't live with a chance of getting STDs 1/10 or something, that's too high.

But I look at shows like How I Met Your Mother or Friends or whatever, and I see young people relating, laughing, crying, helping, breaking up, making up, and I want to be in that, I want to be Ross and have a Rachel. What's so special about Ross? I know, I know, that's just a show. And he's not 30 some year old virgin. But please, someone tell me there is a way. Btw, sorry for this awfully long post, I just have to say everything now or I won't make this post.

[AdminOnline]

up for you.

[Katrina26]

ugh lord just know you have balls to post this. Dont care about what people think when you tell them your story because they will never want to understand the reasons you have for being that sensitive. when you find someone that doesnt care about all that stuff and likes you and loves you for who you are, but who can also help you deal with your problems thats the one . With the STD thing im not going to get too much into that, just know that you might also get a disease that is not sexually transmitted i.e. cancer so theres always a chance of an illness.

[ashley89]

I honestly think before you even consider dating or having sex you need to get some serious help. it sounds like you went through a lot when you were younger and this has totally affected how you are today. if you went to a therapist or counselor they could help you work through these issues so you wouldn't have as many fears or anxieties. sex is completely natural and is something to be enjoyed, not feared. also the chances of getting an STD are very low if you practice safe sex (i.e. using a condom, getting tested regularly, etc.) so I really wouldn't worry about that. I really feel that if you get the help you need and can sort out these issues of the past you will have a whole new perspective on life, women, and sex, and you will be able to open up to make friends and meet people more easily. good luck :]

[Rowen]

Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. That's rule number one. Did you know there are over seven billion people in this world? There's someone for everyone, and you can't go on if you accept there's no chance with anyone. If you do, it's over before it can even start. So, just play it cool and be yourself. If it helps, there's always EFT which can help calm your energy channels in the event of stress and anxiety. I have anxiety, and it works for me, so maybe it's worth a try? (There are plenty of ways of disguising it in public, too, if it works.) Either way, don't let anyone make you believe that they're too good for you. As long as you have a heart that's true, anyone is within your reach. Put yourself out there; try to challenge your comfort zone little by little.

If all else fails...there are always online dating sites which make it a little easier. But you have to be a good judge of character if you use those...a really, really, really good judge of character...

I know the STD list is high, so I agree you should be careful. There are too many diseases out there that mutate into brand new ones- ones that will make your dick fall off. So, if anything should ever happen, make sure that you're careful. Use protection. I'm sure you had sex-ed so I'm not going to lecture you. But also try to make sure you trust the person before taking them to bed. If it just becomes something casual, you have no idea if they're telling you lies or not. A friend of mine in my college class was sick for three months after one kiss. He got mono. In the end, as he was in high school at the time, his GPA was pretty much ruined because he missed so much and had to take finals, anyway.

That being said, I don't really think that going somewhere like a "massage parlor" is the right route. She could have herpes for all you know... Not to mention, the fact that you're in your early thirties and a virgin isn't that big of a deal. Maybe you don't believe me because of the sociological hype, but sex isn't really everything. I'll admit to having had sex a few times, but once it's over, you realize that it's nothing Earth shattering. It's just a mutual act of desire between two consenting people- harmless and natural. Not to mention, there are a large number of people who are older than you and still virgins because they're waiting till they're married. There's nothing wrong with waiting. Too many good people get put under pressure by the media projecting that sex is your life. Sex is NOT your life. Sex is merely a tiny part of it- something to sometimes blow off steam or connect intimately with someone you love. The media is guilty of this pressure. They sell sex in their advertisements, and it's been leading to a larger number of self-confidence issues and remorse in a large number of people. Don't become part of the statistic. You're better than that. If you're going to have sex, make sure it's right for you. Think about what matters most to you. If sex isn't THAT high, without allowing the media to influence your view of course, then perhaps you should wait. If it is something you decide is really high on your priority list as an experience, pack plenty of condoms and lube (most importantly lube because that shit can hurt like a f*cker without it-at least from behind) and just..yeah. Have fun.

Don't let anyone influence what you want to do, though. If you want to wait till it's with someone you love, go forth. If you want to have sex now, go forth and be safe. Bottom line: don't let anyone tell you what to do. Take all advice and opinions as mere suggestions about what you CAN do. In the end, they're just possibilities, and you're the one who must make the choice that's correct for you. What works for you may not work for me. What works for me may not work for you. Do what's in your heart as best for you.

As for dating tips, I can offer some that I've learned through pass-fail...

1. Give the person their space. Wait a day or two between texting/calling the person that you're talking to/like. If they do anything with that space like seek you out to contact you, you're ahead of the game. If not, they should respect you for giving them your space and will usually grow to making more of an effort on their part eventually. If they don't end up making more of an effort on their part, though, you're better off talking to someone else.

If you don't give the person their space, though, it will usually result in driving them away. I did that to the man I love...You don't want to do that.

2. Be level headed. Give the person the benefit of the doubt, but be reasonable if you end up having to give them the benefit of the doubt a large number of times. Don't stand for anyone who puts you on an emotional roller-coaster. I've been there, and you always throw up on the ride. Every time.

3. Be honest. If you're honest and open, you're considered the normal guy. I know it sounds crazy, but there are a large number of guys who feel it's normal to lie in a relationship. By being the honest guy, you're the good guy because they know you won't toy with their emotions. So many people are just looking for that one guy who won't lie to them...

4. Be respectful. I don't think you'll have a problem with this due to your fear and the general feeling I get while reading your post, but be respectful. Don't walk in expecting sex. Respect her body, and she feels like your equal.

5. Don't come on too strong. You don't have love potion no. 8 (I hope you get that reference) that will make her fall for you in seconds. But don't put too much pressure on it all if you're talking to her. Don't start talking about making a long term relationship when you haven't even had a date yet. If you come on too strong by being too into her too fast (like saying I love you after six hours), you'll repulse her.

6. Don't fall victim to infatuation. If you think you're in love after a brief period of time, odds are you've fallen victim to the infatuation disease. Just reassure yourself that you like her, and when it's ACTUALLY right...you'll know. And that moment will be the happiest of your life.

I hope this helps.

[HeartIsAching]

Your mom's an emotional bully. I know this is for wives/girlfriends, but you might find this enlightening:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

[michelle23]

I think you need counselling. You need to work through your insecurity, your anxiety, your fear, issues from your past etc. You need to be in a good place emotionally and mentally before you are ready for a relationship.

When you meet a woman-you can ask her to get an std test before sleeping with her-that is no big deal.

Have you tried online dating or joining a hobby or the gym where you can meet new people? You could do a communications course or even psychology to help improve your people skills.

Be pro-active. Focus on self improvement, on healing, getting better so you can have a brighter future.

Love will not just land in front of you one fine day (although that does happen to lots of people)-you need to put yourself out there and don't fear rejection. Every rejection will lead you to that special person

[FlaCooln]

Wow man, tough stuff. 1st off its time to work on yourself and maybe consider some counseling to help you work through the family/past is issues. Ok with that said and everyone else feeling sorry for you. I am going give you a swift kick in the ass and give you some logical input on how to get a girl.

I have had a theory for a long time that guys who wait too long to lose their virginity are more likely to be socially awkward and lack confidence. This theory is based on me to a point and a good friend of mine. I was made fun of a lot on high school. I was the nice guy, got good grades, and fat, so a nerd basically. All the assholes got the girls.

Well fast forward to college and I started losing weight, liked this girl on the floor used to clubbing with her all the time and we would make out. Me being inexperienced and lacking confidence I never tried for anything more. Started losing weight and met some girl who was SUPER into me and only wanted me for sex. I had always wanted to lose my virginity to someone I cared about. But, at this point I was 19-20 in my 2nd year of college and I figured it would better to get some experience with a girl and build up my confidence. It worked and after losing my virginity I felt like a different more confident person. I started working out even harder and got in excellent shape. I was still the nice guy, as now I realized all those assholes were alone and girls really liked nice guys.

I had a buddy in your same virgin situation at 27 and I put him on a "self-improvement plan." I took him to my barber and got him a proper cut, helped him dress better, and forced him to come to the gym with me at least 3 times a week. Even taught him to dance a bit (with the help of my GF at the time). Well his weight came off and confidence went up. So I introduced him to a girl, they hit it off, and the rest well he figured that out. He went from being angry and lonely to a much happier person.

So dude improve yourself...get in shape, fix your look (hair, dress, etc.). Find a girl. Don't worry about the sex having to mean anything because at this point you just need some practice before you have sex with someone you really want to be with. Have fun and use condoms. Honestly, dude just break out of your shell. I'm sure you will have more questions and we are here to help. Me personally I am 31 as well, so I competely understand what your going through as I been there and am looking for love again myself.

[michelle23]

I dont agree that he should just go out and have random sex with anyone-that is pointless. Plus he will not learn anything about a womans body by just ****ing her once. Its pointless. OP i think you should focus on meeting someone special-you can explore and learn together and take your time. Theres nothing wrong with that.

[FlaCooln]

I dont agree that he should just go out and have random sex with anyone-that is pointless. Plus he will not learn anything about a womans body by just ****ing her once. Its pointless. OP i think you should focus on meeting someone special-you can explore and learn together and take your time. Theres nothing wrong with that.

Never said it should be a random girl. Just that it does not have to be his true love. Meaning, meet someone your attracted to and go with the flow. If he waits for true love to lose his viriginity, he may be waiting awhile. Also, he's 31 (like myself) and most women expect you to be competent in bed as they are probably experienced. Imagine him falling hard for someone and having sex with the 1st time with her and it being really bad for her. She may not give him another chance.

I agree sex is better when there is love/meaning behind it. But, experience is the best teacher and this man needs some. I didn't love my 1st, but getting my 1st experiences with her made all the difference in my confidence. Also, it is hard to you know what you really want until you have been through some relationships. So yes I wish he could find a love and learn through her, but that maybe very difficult for someone with no experience.

[michelle23]

I see your point but no matter how experienced he is-every woman is different so hell still have to take the time to explore and get to know what she wants. Inexperienced men can be the best in bed as they are willing to learn and are patient/gentle etc.. And its much easier to build compatability over time than just expecting perfection the first time.

Im not saying he should be in love but he should care about her

[FlaCooln]

I agree with that. But, he just needs to put himself out there and meet women, be himself, and have fun. Things will work themselves out.

[ashley89]

if he waits to find the person he loves he could be waiting years... he wants to get there and do this now. after some counseling I would get out there, meet some girls and see what happens. it is only his 1st time so he needs some practice

[ashley89]

Inexperienced men can be the best in bed)

really??? hahaha never heard that one before

[michelle23]

Well iv only been with two (both inexperienced and both great) maybe im just lucky coz i wouldnt feel comfortable with a male slut lol