hello,
thank you all for reading.
Starting from the beginning..
My first girlfriend, I truly believe I love her...we started dating in 2001, we dated until the beginning of 2011, not a simple story since the beginning, we weren't always together from 2001 to 2011, we broke up two times, one of those times we were apart for more than one year, I even dated someone else in between, but nothing truly serious.. I liked her a lot, with all my heart, but we where in many things different (in others very alike)..she isn't the warmest of persons...we discussed some times, but never serious...she doesn't really like my family, my family I believe hates her maybe hate is a strong word... but they never got along together from either sides... we were together most of those years but little things we're just not "perfect". She made things that really pushed my buttons!!! I most certainly did the same to her...
I believed this wasn't going no where...I lost interest, she moved to another town and I decided to break up with her...I believed even though I liked her deeply, things were going no where... I broke up in early 2011...on July 2011 I wen't to another country to work and stayed there for one year.
I had a friend, someone I always got along great that always supported me, was with me before I broke up with ex-girlfriend, and continued to talk to me even when it was close to the time when I was leaving the country to work abroad. This friend is a great person, very warm, sweet, maybe sometimes naive...but a good person always. We have similar tastes, used to exchange tons of sms and emails with musics, shows, etc.. The country where I wen't to work is her home country...that I believe brought additional topics to our already busy conversations.. I have to admit I always kept in a very warm place of my heart this friend...I respected her a lot, and thought very highly of her..
During my time away we continued to exchange messages, emails, and some feeling started to grow... thousand's of emails afterwards she broke up with her boyfriend...and some time latter when I was visiting my family in my home country we started dating... I liked her a lot, it felt just right...she is great...always caring for me, treated me like no one... she worries with me, is interested in everything I do..I believed I was feeling something like never felt before..it was pure..it was simple, it was right...and my family just loves her We dated long distance for about 9 months (god..in the end I was just so fed up with skype ) everything wen't smoothly...sometimes we had trouble yes...but we survived it... I got back to my home country and things were for the first month ok...however we started to fight a lot more...small problems became big problems.. stupid discussions that in the end you just don't know why you started fighting... I started to be a lot more careless about here...I no that...I started to stop doing certain things...mostly because I just didn't feel like it...even in our intimacy I started pushing myself away..It's not that I don't like for example sex with her...I don't really feel like it..
We continue to get along well, when it comes to friendship I think I'll always be her friend...we play together, do some fun things, take walks yes... but I don't think I feel what I should...I hardly kiss her...sex...I don't remember when the last time was...I should miss it right? I don't...
And why did I started this post with my ex-girlfriend? because...even though all this time has passed...many times I think of her...I don't really talk to her...and I haven't seen her since we broke up (I saw her once in a bar..far away..she didn't see me...) we do exchange once in a while sms..email yes...sometimes I pic something from her...an old letter...or just anything I kept from when we were dating...and I know I feel something...something illogical...
My actual girlfriend is a great person I know that...she deserves a lot, she is truly something! amazing person really! Many times I get angry with myself because she want's somethings, like a kiss, a compliment, something..and she gets upset because I just don't do it...and I get really angry with myself because I know she is right...she deserves it...and I make her sad by not being how she want's, what she needs..
I think I lack the courage to deal with this...I really do... I'm not sure about anything.... on one side (if this side even exists) I know there is something different with my ex-girlfriend...I know how I was...the things I did, how it made me feel, but I don't know if it will ever work there...or if there is even a change for it to work...on the other side I have this amazing girl, but a constant feeling that I'm not true to myself and to her... I think this (not being true) tears me apart so many times... I don't wan't to hurt her...I just can't deal with it... she is my best friend...it die whenever I make her cry...
I think i know now...that I don't know what to do...
thank you for bearing with me here...felt good to write this down.