Opinions on my marriage please

[bearz]

he wouldnt want to spend money on telling our problems to a total stranger who may or may not be helpful. it isnt like we know of someone who comes personally recommended.

A friend of mine didn't think much of marriage counseling either and was fighting it for a while, but eventually he sucked it up and did it for his wife and it did help their marriage, at least according to what he says now. If your husband is not willing to at least give it a try (and money should not be an issue in this case unless you really can't afford it) and try to fix your marriage there probably isn't anything else that he'd be willing to do.

[michelle23]

Is there a way that you can take the lead and hell follow. Be more affectionate and more intimate and he may just follow your lead

the next time hes sitting on the couch just sit on his lap and kiss his face or just hold him close. Walk up behind him and wrap your arms around him for no reason. Maybe you both just forgot how to show your love? You can do it again. And maybe if you do that at the same time as having more sex-it will slowly get better?

Anything is worth a try instead of just giving up surely?

I no you feel as if this problem is his fault and maybe your right but if you show hin what you need with actions instead of words-it may make a big difference..

[rob1984]

hey OP, I think he does want to fix it, but his ego forbids him to make the first step and appear weak in your eyes. If you do not mind try doing the first steps, show him you do not want it over, make yourself vulnerable, only if you want to.. if he does not bite.. then kick him to the curb and but a sign on him " douche-bag for free "

[michelle23]

I agree what rob. Dont let him walk out the door without at least trying. Yes there are some flaws but he sounds like a good man and he definately loves you.

[Confusedx]

i love him but more like a friend. i could fall in love with him again if he treated me differently (a bit more like he did in the beginning) but being honest i dont think its ever going to happen as HE doesn't want to, he 'knows' what I'd like from him but doesnt get 'why' - from his perspective he doesnt particularly need intimacy or affection from me so maybe he just doesnt get why its important to me

He does appreciate me taking an interest in what's going on in his life though and i know he's be miffed if i was as vacant as he is through the majority of our conversations but its such a natural behaviour to him (being wrapped up in his own world) that he would find it hard to change this even if he wanted to.

this issue has been with us a long time and i have in the past tried to be more affectionate with him and although he doesnt reject me he either doesnt reciprocate or is vacant or he takes it as an invitation for sex.

if i said i wanted us to try again then i would have to come up with something I would do to help our relationship - apart from agreeing not to turn down his advances (which i dont feel enthusiastic about) and quit saying when i feel ignored what can I suggest?

[michelle23]

You need to learn how to communicate better-both of you and you need to be aware of each of your needs and why they are important so you can each fulfill them. Marriage counselling would be the best thing for you both.

It sounds like it has become routine, boring, mundane where they two of you live separate lives in the same house and the only real communication is him asking for his needs to be met and you asking for yours to be met.

Sex is normally the last thing to go stale in a relationship and it indicates a much bigger problem or multiple problems and it is hard to fix anything when you are both being stubborn and will not compromise.

Ask him to at least give counselling a try. You do love him-how can you not after spending so long together. Love does not fade-you will most likely always love him but the lack of affection and intimacy has created a big distance between you both so you are both unhappy.

If he needs sex to give affection and you need affection to give sex it will never work. Something has to give here..

You could suggest going back to the beginning and dating again. Going slow. Ask him to treat it as a first date and rebuild from there. It could even be a role playing game and it could help bring a lot of that affection back which will lead to intimacy.

It is strange that he does not want to cuddle you, kiss you, hold you close, etc. Look up the languages of love. You could do a quiz together and figure out what both your love languages are and you might understand each other better.

You both need to be 100% committed to making this work-otherwise your marriage is over and at least one of you will end up very hurt if not both..

[michelle23]

Do you spend all your time in the house together? You could introduce date nights where you take turns every second week to surprise each other with something special.

You could join a hobby together-something fun so you have something in common to talk about.

You could do a course together such as philosophy or psychology-something very interesting where there is a wide range of topics to go through so you would never run out of things to talk about.

Even if you just went for ice cream or a walk in the park and hold hands-things like that can bring you closer again.

Try and think about all the positives-all the things you love about each other and write them down and give them to each other and then you could do the same when it comes to things that upset you both (not stupid things like him leaving the toilet seat up or you snoring-big things that are important and try to keep the bad list short and specific to avoid insults or an argument).

Spend time with other couples every now and again- they say couples who interact with other couples are more likely to appreciate what they have.

You could even watch something like the Jeremy Kyle show so you can see couples who have extremely destructive relationships-really horrible problems and it may even make you feel lucky that your problems are not so bad.

All relationships need to be nurtured, they need work and it takes two to fix the problems. Remember your wedding day and how happy you were and all the plans you made and the promises?? You could get out the album and reminisce together.

You are a team, you are supposed to work through your problems together-giving up should not be an option. There has never been any trust issues (like I said already)-he has never betrayed you, lied to you or hurt you and that is the only thing that would make me give up without a fight.

If your thinking the grass might be greener somewhere else-don't think that way. People your age will come with tons of baggage and you may never find love that makes you happy again.

Good men are not easy to find. It could be so much worse and these issues are definitely fixable if you both try

[Confusedx]

You need to learn how to communicate better-both of you and you need to be aware of each of your needs and why they are important so you can each fulfill them. Marriage counselling would be the best thing for you both.

It sounds like it has become routine, boring, mundane where they two of you live separate lives in the same house and the only real communication is him asking for his needs to be met and you asking for yours to be met.

Sex is normally the last thing to go stale in a relationship and it indicates a much bigger problem or multiple problems and it is hard to fix anything when you are both being stubborn and will not compromise.

Ask him to at least give counselling a try. You do love him-how can you not after spending so long together. Love does not fade-you will most likely always love him but the lack of affection and intimacy has created a big distance between you both so you are both unhappy.

If he needs sex to give affection and you need affection to give sex it will never work. Something has to give here..

You could suggest going back to the beginning and dating again. Going slow. Ask him to treat it as a first date and rebuild from there. It could even be a role playing game and it could help bring a lot of that affection back which will lead to intimacy.

It is strange that he does not want to cuddle you, kiss you, hold you close, etc. Look up the languages of love. You could do a quiz together and figure out what both your love languages are and you might understand each other better.

You both need to be 100% committed to making this work-otherwise your marriage is over and at least one of you will end up very hurt if not both..

hi michelle
thanks for your reply - your post has hit a few points and maybe counselling would help.

the thing is, its not like we havent discussed things - he is fully aware of my needs and if I asked him now he would be able to tell me exactly what it is I feel like I am not getting from him. I've asked him numerous times what he needs me to do and when sex wasnt an issue his only complaint was me asking or complaining about his behaviour. So if I felt like he was ignoring me ideally he would like me to say nothing and just let it go, at a push say really nicely hey you're being a little distant, and accept that if it isnt a good time for him just to accept it. I find it hard to just swallow down my needs like this. I understand that he doesnt want to feel like I'm unhappy with the way he is with me. i do try not to expect too much from him i really do.

its not like he needs sex to give affection as he only really gives affection as brief foreplay and i dont 'need' affection to give sex (as i've had sex with him on numerous occasions whilst living without ongoing affection), the affection given directly before sex does nothing for me in fact I find it irritating.

Whats langauages of love? its not like he never kisses or hugs me but its always a peck or not really there kind of thing - doesnt feel passionate or heartfelt if that makes sense. he says hes just not a touchy feely kind of person?

in the house, he watches tv and i go on the computer about 50% of the time. We'll watch programs together but always sitting separately. He'll fetch me drinks and snacks but there's no physical contact. If i ask for a snuggle he'll either be halfhearted about it or take it as an invitation for sex. its immediately obvious when he wants sex as he'll come over and put his arm around me and look at me directly looking expectant, it feels really unnatural as most of the time there;s no connection.

i definitely not thinking the grass is greener, on the contrary i'm fairly convinced that for whatever reason i'm not going to be able to have a fulfilling relationship i just think that maybe on my own i'm not going to feel pressured, disappointed frustrated so much of the time

[Confusedx]

also i love your idea about going back to the beginning and starting from there but pretty sure my hubby wouldnt be enthusiastic :-(

[michelle23]

the thing is, its not like we havent discussed things - he is fully aware of my needs and if I asked him now he would be able to tell me exactly what it is I feel like I am not getting from him. I've asked him numerous times what he needs me to do and when sex wasnt an issue his only complaint was me asking or complaining about his behaviour. So if I felt like he was ignoring me ideally he would like me to say nothing and just let it go, at a push say really nicely hey you're being a little distant, and accept that if it isnt a good time for him just to accept it. I find it hard to just swallow down my needs like this. I understand that he doesnt want to feel like I'm unhappy with the way he is with me. i do try not to expect too much from him i really do.

What way do you ask for these changes? Have you tried approaching the subject differently? Example start with a positive and end with a negative "I know you love me and I appreciate all that you do for me but I feel as if that special connection is missing and it really upsets me" use words "I" instead of "you" eg. instead of saying "you never want to cuddle me" you could say "I feel like I do not get enough affection and I miss it".

its not like he needs sex to give affection as he only really gives affection as brief foreplay and i dont 'need' affection to give sex (as i've had sex with him on numerous occasions whilst living without ongoing affection), the affection given directly before sex does nothing for me in fact I find it irritating.

But all the issues are building resentment and you don't want to sleep with him so its fair to say that you do "need" changes in order to improve the sex.

Whats langauages of love? its not like he never kisses or hugs me but its always a peck or not really there kind of thing - doesnt feel passionate or heartfelt if that makes sense. he says hes just not a touchy feely kind of person?

There are five different love languages. Everyone has their own way of giving and receiving love. If you look these up together and try to figure out what your love languages are-it may help you both to understand each other better. Does he have a problem with affection? Did he grow up in a "cold" house where there was rarely any hugs or love shown? That may explain it.

in the house, he watches tv and i go on the computer about 50% of the time. We'll watch programs together but always sitting separately. He'll fetch me drinks and snacks but there's no physical contact. If i ask for a snuggle he'll either be halfhearted about it or take it as an invitation for sex. its immediately obvious when he wants sex as he'll come over and put his arm around me and look at me directly looking expectant, it feels really unnatural as most of the time there;s no connection.

That is one thing that needs to change. If your watching TV-you should sit together and cuddle and he should not expect that to always lead to sex. Affection and intimacy are two separate things. They go together a lot of the time but one does not always lead to the other and he needs to change the way he sees it. He should kiss you goodbye and hello. Give you a hug just because he feels like it, cuddle because he wants to be close to you-not just because he wants sex. These are things that should be done every day whether you are going to have sex that night or not and if you do all of these things-sex will improve and become regular as a result.

i definitely not thinking the grass is greener, on the contrary i'm fairly convinced that for whatever reason i'm not going to be able to have a fulfilling relationship i just think that maybe on my own i'm not going to feel pressured, disappointed frustrated so much of the time

You can have a fulfilling relationship with your husband. You both just need to make some changes, put each other first, focus on making the other happy.

Sometimes men think "I do everything for her, work hard, I'm good with the kids, home every night, I love her more than anything but nothing is enough. Even with everything I do shes unhappy, she refuses sex and looks miserable all the time" That is just an example but do you ever tell him you appreciate all the things he does do instead of the things he doesn't? Sometimes men need praise, an ego boost and if it sounds like your just nagging-he wont listen.

I'm not saying that is your fault. I'm just giving you an idea of what might be going on in his head. I noticed recently that praise does wonders for my partner. Even just pointing out how great he is in bed puts a huge smile on his face and makes him feel proud. Or just saying thank you and meaning it for the little things he does for us "thanks for putting out the bin babe". And even saying "please" makes a huge difference. When Im running around the house like a bluearsed fly-cooking, cleaning, sorting out clothes etc after a long days work-sometimes I feel annoyed that he just sits there playing a game on his phone or goes straight in to watch the match. But I know he doesnt do it on purpose-he just wants to wind down for a bit so instead of barking at him saying "oh ill just do everything then" Id say something like "when your finished doing that-could you hang up these clothes for me please?" and then id smile say "thanks your a star" and give him a kiss.

[michelle23]

also i love your idea about going back to the beginning and starting from there but pretty sure my hubby wouldnt be enthusiastic :-(

It could be really fun for you both, exciting. It allows you to get to know each other again. You have both probably changed and grown apart. You need to change and grow together You could suggest it and say it would be nice to have that new feeling again.

[smackie9]

You know him better than us. Think of all the things he would like to do or has talked about, then apply that into your dates, or even a weekend trip. You can't make a guy be a romantic but you can make a guy show more appreciation towards you in other ways. It's about understanding each other through sharing interests, and sharing interests or activities with other couples. Say if he likes a sport, go to a game with him, or invite people over to watch a game at home, make it into a party (just as an example). Having a life outside the relationship, doing your own thing and showing some independence, is very important as well. I feel if you focus on the negative all you are doing is spinning your wheels. Conversations should be upbeat, interesting and productive....not a place for complaints. Just try to be more creative with how you spend your time together, and hopefully he will respond in a positive way. Just some suggestions you can try. Of course nothing happens over night, but hey if it's worth a shot... what the hell eh?