Lectures of humility

[Filip Pejsa]

I started to meet my last girlfriend by a customer of our company. After a year of occasional work contact we realized that we know each other from childhood (18 years ago). Moreover, she was one of my first platonic youngster sweethearts, the one I had most of saucy dreams about that time. When I got to know she was divorced with 2 kids (boy 6 & girl 8), and had financial troubles with her home, I took care of her and the family (the kids took me in very well, almost with enthusiasm). I found a new apartment and we started to live together. Everything was wonderful and I was grateful to have found my soul-mate by the providence of destiny. She wanted to marry me and have 1 more child with me. I was the hesitant one because I had some unresolved issues from my former relationship (no kids), and I was afraid whether to be able to provide for 5 people (my job was not stable). She started to give me deadlines, the last one be 20.07.2007 (such a unique wedding date after 5 years in relationship) but I only silently laughed hating to be forced into wedlock by a needy single mother. Meanwhile, her brother started a relationship with a colleague and good friend of my gf having very rich parents, who co-owned an apartment house. And that time one luxury but expensive apartment got free in it. My gf was instantly eager to move, not giving me a say, and agreed with the owners to take the rental as it is, not letting me negotiate. I felt offended and retaliated by ignoring all the preparations to move. Meanwhile, her brother and his gf got pregnant and announced their wedding. Since then my gf stopped sleeping with me and started to tell me and the children that I am not the family support anymore and that they should shift all their trust to their new rich relatives. She told me that if I would not propose to her right away, she would break up with me, but she wanted to stay friends in every case. That insulted me even more. I have started to consider not moving with them and letting them try to finance that expensive home by herself. She took it dispassionately, but I was sure that they would feel the shortage and come back to me with plead. But nothing like that ever happened. They moved, seemed not missing me at all, and she had even increased their spending so that I wondered whether she had not won a lottery (later I found out that she took high consumer loans and when she could not pay them the rich relatives helped her a lot). Nevertheless, we continued to meet as friends for almost one more year. At first I expected a kind of apologize or at least something like "we miss you, don't you want to try it with us again?" but nothing like that came. Then I started to drop hints that I would like to live with them again and that the marriage might not be an obstacle anymore. At the end I invited her for a private cruise with dinner under Prague Charles Bridge and proposed to her. She seemed to enjoy, the expression of victory in her face could not be overlooked. She said it always turns out she was right, but that I can do nothing to get her back. After a week, right on my 40th birthday, she sent me SMS that she had no feeling left for me, and did not want to see me or talk to me anymore. I acted desperate, begged, pleaded to stay at least friends etc., but to no avail. During the next 5 years until now I keep trying to restore contact with them (no annoying, only a few times a year - birthday, Christmas etc.) but with no result. The last message I have from the boy, adult now: "Leave us alone, once and for good, you know nothing about us and we have nothing to do with you. Our life is perfect without you. It will never change, there is no point in trying or waiting. If you cannot grasp and respect it, you are mentally ill and should get treatment". Then he blocked my Skype account and erased me from his phone. I found out through a friend that last year she found a guy and they plan to marry. I am desperate even after years of psychotherapy and taking antidepressants, and systematically prepare for suicide. This is not the only devastating event in my life - my father left and cursed our family (no contact for 11 years), my 2 younger brothers already committed suicide, and my first girlfriend whom I also loved more than everything fell for my friend - womanizer when I was abroad, avoided me then for 10 years, and it took 22 years before she was able to hug & kiss with me as a friend (she is happily married to another man, that friend that pinched her has also happy family with another woman).

[michelle23]

This is difficult to read. Can you make a long story short or put in paragraphs so we will feel a desire to read it. Sorry to be fussy and a pain in the ass.

[FlaCooln]

This is difficult to read. Can you make a long story short or put in paragraphs so we will feel a desire to read it. Sorry to be fussy and a pain in the ass.

+1 Wall of text. Please use the

[ashley89]

the woman and her family want nothing to do with you, she sounds like a materialistic bitch who only cares about money. stop contacting these people...they asked you not to and you look silly running after people who treat you this badly. it sounds like you really need help, you said you were seeing someone but if you are having thoughts of suicide that is an emergency. please get some help

[someoneoutthere]

I agree with ashley89, it seems like therapy would be the best in your case. Also as hard as it sounds, you need to stop thinking about them.

[Filip Pejsa]

She is not a materialistic bitch, but a baptized active Catholic volunteering in a well known Prague church and member of their organ choir. Also her parents have religious background (Jewish & Christian). The whole her relationship with me was colored with religious undertow and connection with God's sanctification. She stressed her belief as a main reason why we could not go on living together without marriage. At the end, she retrospectively declared her engagement with me to have been rather a religious mission than love - mission to cut down my self-conceit, pride, ego, and bring me to humility.
She said if I wanted to become true, unselfish God's sevant, I cannot stay clinging, attached to 1 single family that do not need me anymore. I should be happy helping people who I come accross, and whom my favour and good deeds can make anything appreciable. And only when I fully comprehend that, I would be able to realize how selfish all my feelings of loss, worry, pain, compassion, sadness and valuelessness are. She has no responsibility for that and would act against God's will if she uplifted from me the burden I deserve.
As I am also a believer but just self-made and not organized, this notion has truly devastated my self-confidence, ripped away my spiritual anchor, and made me question my own judgement and sanity.