need advice :(

[zhay29]

Hello everybody.. im new here. im seeking for some advice and thats what brings me here. Hope that u can help me guys and i will appreciate it so much

I hve a pakistani bf weve been together for 1 year we hve plans for the future... we both wanted to be together and all is doing well not until he found out tht his parents are arranging marriage for him. he told me tht he cant say no to his parents coz thats their tradition. it is so painful.. feels like i want to die i love him so much and he said tht he loves me too but he hve to follow his parents. i dnt knw what to do now. he told me that marriage will be held after 2 years. he told me to stay wth him and even after he get married he asked me to stay friends wth him.. i wanted to but its like killing myself so many times i wanted to stay wth him but i knw that we will never be together.. its like i can only be wth him until hes not yet married but after two years i hve to let him go na.. and its very painful words cannot express how i feel right now

should i leave him? or stick wth him just to show how much i love him? plsssssssssss help me. i dnt knw what to do and what to think help me

[Craving Hip]

Zhay, I'm a guy and I have had not any deep intimate romantic relationships but your story touched me and I just share my opinion and take it for what it's worth.

I think sometimes in life we have to make very difficult and painful decisions because there is a conflict, either in what we want and what somebody else wants, or tradition vs individual beliefs, or whatever. One of the ways to approach this then is to ask those hard questions of yourself and of your boyfriend: It seems that your bf is choosing tradition and his parent's wants over his love for you. He may feel he has no say in the matter or sense he needs his parent's help and approval or financial backing or whatever in the future, I simply don't know. Or he may not feel as madly in love with you as you do with him. But I think it might be helpful to bring it up with him, to understand exactly why he is going to do what he is going to do. And then tell him exactly how you feel about him and the decision and the all the pain you're feeling about this. Just have a real heart to heart. Take notes if you need to, write down what's on your mind or what is said during your talk. Once this is done, once you know the facts, once you've considered the alternatives, rethink the situation. Maybe talk to people you trust, friends, parents, therapist, whoever, just to get other views on the situation. Then talk to yourself...and be honest. How would you feel about this situation five years from now (assuming your current bf has said he has made up his mind and going ahead with the arranged marriage), if you are alone and he is married? Or if you are with another person who you love just as much? Try to make a decision that is true to your love and also true to your happiness and well being in the future.

[zhay29]

thank you so much for your reply we talked about that matter and he said that he chose to follow what his parents wants to do. but he told me to not leave him. i asked if there is any possibility that we can be together after he got married coz he is muslim and he can marry thrice but he said hes not sure his words really hurts me. though i can see the pain in his eyes coz he said he want to be wth me but he cant. i dont knw whether to leave him or not. he said its up to me if i want to live him but hes begging not to. ohhhh im so confused. i want to stay and face the pain till he get married but part of me saying that i should let go.. ooohhh my god

[Craving Hip]

Zhay, I can imagine, this sounds very difficult and of course it seems you really love him and this is tearing you apart, and you're hoping that maybe you can be his second wife in future or somehow things will work out in the end, or that at least you can still stay together bit longer and soak in all the love till the dreaded day when he will have to leave and get married. I don't see a simple solution and I wish there was one. Life goes on, sometimes our best friends move elsewhere or you have to move away (I did when I was younger because of my dad's job and it was very painful), and sometimes despite great love, two lovers might end up going in different directions.

And if that's your picture, then you're a young attractive person and I think there are many men lucky to have you as a romantic partner and it is possible to fall in love again and feel this way again. What is important now is being honest with yourself. Let's say it's ten years from now, and you think back and wonder, Wow, I spent those two years with him and it was wonderful and then it was so sad to see him go and I remember crying, but I'm so glad I had those two additional years, I will never forget that time we had together. Or you might think, All that heartache, all that pain, I could have avoided it if I had tried to make a clean break, and let go of this relationship sooner, so I could go out and try to meet new people, and I was just delaying the inevitable. Or maybe somehow things change, that last moment he refuses to get married and you two finally end up together and when you think back, you have fond memories of those two years as well. It's hard to know what will happen. But what's important is this: Can you live with consequences, with the regret, the heartache, if it doesn't work out? If you can, then staying with him may be an alternative that you can consider. But if you don't think you can, then would it be fair to yourself and your heart to put yourself through this?

[zhay29]

thank you so much. thanks for the wonderful advice.. what u hve said was all true i really do think this scenario now. I dont knw.. im asking god for strength right now and for clear mind. Im still in shocked but im praying that whatever decision i mke it will be good for the both of us. life is really unfair sometimes and love as well.

thank you Craving hip for the time u spent replying me. thank u so much. and yes this is my real pic

[HeartIsAching]

Oh good god. He wants to do what his parents want for financial reasons. He wants to keep you around as a ****-buddy. Is that really what you want?

[michelle23]

I think you should save yourself ALOT of future pain and walk away now. If there is no future with this man-u cant put ur whole life on hold and then sit back and watch him marry someone else. Put your future happieness first-stop all contact and when your ready you can meet someone else whos family dont tell them how to live their life

[VincenzoG91]

Just out of curiousity... how common are arranged marriages in modern Pakistan? Because if this is a very common thing, I don't know why you're bothering to fall in love with anybody before your parents line up your own arranged marriage. If it's not very common, then next time you meet some guy, find out right away if his family intends to pick his wife for him.

[HeartIsAching]

She's in the Philippines... at least that's what her flag says.