Boyfriend was going to propose and told me he wasn't going to anymore

[kotono]

This was originally posted in the Marriage Forum, but I wasn't getting much feedback over there. My apologies for crossposting and thanks for the ones that replied!

Three months ago my boyfriend and I had a huge argument. We live together in a house, and his friend moved in with us. I get along great with his friend, but there are times where it really strains our relationship. His friend cannot survive on his own. He's 30 and has been living with us for a year in order to save up to live on his own but still has no money saved. He pays $200 a month and tells us he has gone negative in his account regularly. I just change the subject when he does this since I really don't want to hear it. His friend dated my best friend back in high school and she was stuck with him for 2 years out of pity. That was 8 years ago and his still single since he's hung up on my best friend still, despite his denial. His ideal girl is a lean and super hot but its impossible for him. He only has 4 sets of outfits he only cleans every 2 weeks and showers only once a week. The kitchen downstairs is hardly clean cause he doesn't believe in washing anything. Most of his things get ruined and he rather buy himself new things. He's also 300 pounds and barely grooms himself. I'm not saying looks matter but he doesn't want to do anything to better himself. He had a great job but bragged often how he slept on the job, and was pissed off that he was fired, and has been working at Walmart for the past couple of years. His work attitude is pretty sad since I used to work in the same department as him while I went back to school. He has knocked a bunch of clothes racks and left everything on the floor for it being in his way, and that was his reason for doing it. Then he complains he is never getting anywhere in life. I'm one of the few people that don't really listen to him when he is like this.

In the past he has asked me out and I declined. A few days before I had confessed my feelings for my boyfriend and we hadn't really told anyone yet. He wasn't happy that I declined since I told him that I couldn't return his feelings while I cared for someone else, and said that my boyfriend wasn't right for me. That he could make me happy if I gave him the chance and so forth, and when I declined again he talked about how depressed he gets that he wants to commit suicide. I still declined, but politely. He says the reason his life is the way it is because he has no hot girlfriend to motivate him, and until then he will continue to be this way. He had the hot girlfriend in high school, my best friend and he ignored her! So I honestly feel he is full of excuses.

So when he moved in with us in order to save up to move out, I knew deep down inside he wouldn't. The house was for us to start our lives together, not our lives with his friend. I don't think its appropriate to have someone living with us if we plan to have a future together. It's also troublesome to him staying there since I cannot get too much privacy with my boyfriend sometimes. We'll be watching a movie, or having dinner, or playing video games together and his friend will be talking to us. The conversations are great but sometimes it's too much. I wanna watch a movie or play a game without a peanut gallery.

Some of my plans do get blown off by my boyfriend in order to spend time with his friend. A week in advance I had asked my boyfriend to help me move around furniture so we could set up the Christmas tree since we decorate it together. He had no problem with this but I also found out he had made plans to play a tabletop game with his friend. So when it was time to do so he was in a hurry to move things around. He kept rushing me while I was trying to figure out the furniture since I had realized there was a heating vent I didn't want to block but I got mad when he was rushing me. Eventually my boyfriend left the house with his friend to go to the game store after telling me to "move the &$#% furniture yourself." I did, and in tears, and ended up hurting my back. I felt it was unfair to be treated this way. I hardly spoke to him since I don't like to argue with his friend around. The walls in the house are super thin. So I sent him a text message that I later regretted. I told him I couldn't marry him in the future if this was how things were going to be. We had been talking about getting married for months, the conversation brought up by both parties mind you, but I don't want to be married with a friend living with us. His friend is pretty comfortable here, and I don't want my boyfriend to be comfortable with this lifestyle too.

But I definitely regret the text message. He blew up at me, and gave me the tickets to a concert he bought me for my birthday for me to go myself. I told him I didn't want to go alone, and wanted to work things out but he said he didn't have any reason to go since he already had his answer from me. He was going to ask me to marry him but he already knew then I was going to say no. At first I didn't believe he was going to propose, that he was just saying that, but he brought up that I have been recently been missing my other ring he has given me, and he handed it to me saying he was getting it sized. I realized he was telling the truth and I was crushed.

We talked it out, us both rejecting each other like that. We were both sorry it happened. A friend gave me advice to just not talk about marriage for a few weeks, just concentrate on us instead of marriage. Things were good and we went to the concert. There was no proposal and I was okay with that. I would like to be surprised and I still had a lot of fun. He also talked to his friend about moving out eventually since he wanted to take the next step with me, and didn't feel appropriate about having someone live here while trying to start a family. The deadline to move out was supposed to be 6 months, but he didn't tell his friend that yet. He said he would let him know. His friend who has broken a lot of rules in the house got pretty mad at me when I stood up to him to enforce 1 rule that I wouldn't let him slip up on. He was to let us know if he was having guests over. Not asking for permission, just to give us a heads up. He broke the rule a few times when he had a girl over a few times to sleep with (after 8 years of abstinence, she also pitied him too). This was also a girl that I have never kept secret about disliking so when she was suddenly in my house I was a little annoyed. Especially on Christmas with her "pregnancy scare" she made up for attention. She was also sleeping with 2 other guys and would brag about it while saying my boyfriend's friend was bad in bed. I was pissed when I heard that since it was fair for her to be saying that. He may get on my nerves a lot, but he's my friend as well as my boyfriend's friend and I don't like it when people say stuff to hurt my friends. My boyfriend's friend then followed the rule about people coming over and has respected that.

But my issue is this. The proposal incident was 3 months ago. I wasn't expecting him to propose on Christmas or New Year's, but there has been another concert, dinner dates, Valentine's Day and our Anniversary. I didn't let it bother me that he didn't ask until our Anniversary over the weekend. He only had plans for dinner. It was a great dinner, but it really sunk in that he didn't ask me until we got home. I cried to myself in private for awhile. It's just too painful to think about. I don't wanna bring this up in order to pressure my boyfriend, but what am I supposed to do? My feelings are being toyed with!!!

[pcmaster]

You both have to talk more about these things. Talking with random people might make you feel like you do, but in reality nothing is said or done that would make any impact or enlightment on your BF.

[Cerby]

Well, I get that he can be an asshole sometimes, but I also get that you can also be a bit of a whiner as well. A lesson to learn is to never say anything you might regret through text, because then it is open to interpretation. You made a mistake, your bf decided to re-schedule the proposal to when he feels it might be better for you both. The solution is easy of course, you have two choices:

- Wait for him to do it patiently (pestering him will NOT work) and work on your relationship in the process.
- Leave.

Choice is yours.

[VincenzoG91]

The boyfriend's friend sounds like a big loser, and his ongoing presence can't be helpful to your domestic situation. The two of you need to get him out of there. Your boyfriend needs to give him a firm deadline, and then enforce it. If big boy still can't stand on his own two feet, he can move back in with his family.

But I think that it's premature for you to worry about a marriage proposal when you and your boyfriend still need to work on your communication. I understand the awkward lack of privacy, for which your boyfriend can take the credit. But then the two of you should be able to go for a drive somewhere and talk there. Texting is a terrible way to discuss anything as big and as important as relationship stuff.

[mckenna]

that furniture incident you had with your boyfriend, did you guys ever talk about it? from what you were explaining in your post, i'm assuming you two never spoke about it. i understand you don't want to argue in front of your boyfriend's friend but that doesn't give the valid excuse for not communicating with him about your feelings. communication is one of the important ingredients in any relationship. get out of the house, take a walk with him, and then you can talk to him about whatever's bothering you.

as for the whole marriage thing, i understand you want to get married. it is every girl's dream. but it is a pretty big step. let's think about it, why would you want marry him when you know you're not happy with the way things are now? i don't know how long you've been with this guy but if you feel it's not going anywhere, then that's something you need to sit back and analyze your overall relationship and figure whether it is what you really want.

if you know in your heart you want to be with him, then you need to be patient and work out the issues with him first. then everything will fall into place.

[VincenzoG91]

Fix your relationship before you get married, because marriage will not fix your relationship.