What a mess...

[April999]

Hello everyone!
Let me start by saying I am so glad I found a place where other people are experiencing similar things that I am. It is not easy to have these feelings.
Here is my story. It is long and confusing....bare with me! I would love honest answers.

About a couple of years ago I took a vacation to Italy for a month and when I came back I realized that I was not interested in being with my boyfriend of 4 years anymore so we broke up. Around this time I met this guy who worked right across the street from me. At first I didn't really notice him....I knew that he asked about me to a coworker and he would keep me in the store for as long as possible so we could talk. This became a kind of ritual for us. I would come in and do business and he would engage me in conversation, ask me personal questions, and flirt with me.Although, some days he would be cold and distant. Either way it became my own little unhealthy obsession.
Meanwhile I got back together with my x hoping that maybe I was just swayed by the romantic atmosphere of Italy. I pretended I didn't feel anything for the other guy, but continued to make excuses to go see him.
Eventually, I gave him my number and we started texting everyday pretty much every hour. Nothing too serious just us getting to know each other. For whatever reason we both just stopped texting each other for about a month and I decided to cut my ties with him and not go and see him at his work. Unfortunately, this only worked for about a month because I had to go in there to do business for my job. I tried to go in on a day where I knew he would come in later, but of course he walked in while I was there. Just to get this going I will make this quick. He ended up asking me why we stopped talking....and we started talking again. This time was much more personal and intense and eventually he admitted to me that he liked me and had since the first time I came in the store.
Fast forward to now.....We are dating. I broke up with my x after I finally admitted to myself that this was more than just an obsession.
Ok....so my advice lies in my feelings. I have had a roller coaster of emotions about him and I can't tell if its the "hackles" on the back of my neck trying to warn me about his true nature or if its my own insecurities.
when we first started dating he told me he hadn't felt this way about anyone in 10 years, that he knew that we were meant to be, and he wanted to marry me. I am not the kind of girl to believe this kind of talk because in my experience its just a way to get the girl to fall fast. I found out that he had a girlfriend when we were first talking and that he broke up with her for me. Also that the girl he was dating was a girl that he cheated on his x with.
He wanted a "clean slate" with me so I tried to not think about the last bit of information that he told me (which he told me upfront and did not try to hide...in fact he volunteered the information)
We had a lot of fun in the beginning. He texted me almost every hour, was very attentive to my needs, and always wanted me around.
Now, he isn't perfect. He is selfish...as most people are. He has not taken me out on too many dates, and he has told me he would do somethings that he never followed through on. I am not perfect either. I have panicked a few times and tried to break things off. If I see him texting on his phone I get paranoid that he might have another girl he is texting like he did with me. He is still friends with his ex girlfriend (the one he cheated on) and I have been worried that he regretted his decision to cheat on her. I violated his privacy and checked his text messages when he was sleeping....a seriously horrible and stupid thing to do...but I think I was looking for a reason to break things off. I did not find anything that suggested that they have feelings for each other or that he was cheating. I also have talked to him about my concerns...but have found that us talking about our relationship all the time is ruining it.
I guess my problem is this.....is this all in my head? Is it really that big of a deal that we don't text as often anymore? I am also not a girl of few words but I find myself quiet around him. I have a very hard time expressing my emotions to him and I don't like being the first one to text or call because it makes me feel like I am more into him then he is to me. I do love him but I feel like eventually he is going to do to me what he did to his last few girlfriends. I want everything he is saying to me to be true but I feel like this is something he has said many times in the past...even though he says he hasn't. We have a good chemistry....we make each other laugh... and we have fun together but after a couple of times of hanging out with him I start to feel anxiety again. My concern I guess is really this. That he is using me and as soon as another girl expresses interest he will move on to her. Whats stupid about this is I know that I am a really good girlfriend. I also know that I am different from any other girl he has ever dated.
He is also different from anyone I have ever dated. I don't want to compare him to my last boyfriend but I do think that has a lot to do with why I am not very secure in this relationship. I always knew my x loved me and would never hurt me. Plus he texted me all the time even though we saw each other everyday. I feel conflicted because I want to be with him but I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Thanks for reading this.....Im sure the answer is obvious..... I know that I am way too old for all this confusion.....ha.

[bearz]

You don't trust him and he's not giving you the attention you want. You tried to talk to him about your relationship and those conversations aren't going well either. It almost seems like both of you aren't ready for this.

[michelle23]

First of all its not healthy to jump from one relationship to the next or to dump someone for someone else. You did the same thing to your ex that he did to his.
When a long term relationship ends you should be alone and take some time to heal and grieve the loss. What was ur relationship with ur ex like? I find it so hard to believe anyone could walk away from someone they had been with for so long and instantly replace them. I think that is wrong..

Now to ur current situation. I think he just saw u as a challenge, wanting what he thought he couldnt have and now hes getting bored and yes you will prob be replaced sooner or later.
Past behaviour is a clear indication of future behaviour. He has already done that twice. Why would he change for you?

I think u were stupid to dump ur ex-a man who loved u unconditionally and who you trusted completely-who prob made u happy, safe and secure.. And u were practically cheating on him when u were texting someone else for ages behind his back. Shame on you.

[April999]

My ex new that I was texting him. I never hid that fact.
I know that what I did was wrong and I didn't come on here to be shamed and belittled for my past mistakes. I have to live by them and move on.
That being said....I agree about the jumping into a relationship. I didn't want to, but I thought that I would regret not trying things out with him later. My ex was good to me, but there were problems. I lost my attraction to him, he still lived with his mom at 33, and was not making any moves to progress things further after 4 years of being with him.
Thank you for your response. I will take it under consideration. I was definitely worried about the changing thing...I knew I wouldn't be able to change him. Im sure he is getting bored...so now I just have to let go.

[michelle23]

I am not trying to belittle you or shame you. I am just trying to make you see the error of your ways. Maybe you should just accept your current bf is a rebound, dump him and move on.

If there were problems in your past relationship-then you were probably right to end it but being with someone new so soon and getting so serious is never a good idea.