Perspective on an ex girlfriends behavior.

[cornbread]

So my girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up about 5 months ago. She said it was a commitment thing, that she knew i was committed to her, but wanted things ... by that I guess she meant someone to move in with her, make a life with ect. These were things I just wasn't ready to do most of the time we were together, which was a long time but we were young for most of it (17-23). Around the time of the break up I said I would do those things but I guess it was too late (something I don't understand).
Anyway, it was probably for the best, I loved her as much as you can love a person and our relationship was mostly good, but she sucked a lot of the time too.
All of that said I'm looking for perspective on something. A week and a half after we broke up I found out she was dating a guy that she was hanging out with while we were together (she told me not to worry about him, just friends ect.), some bum with a shitty job that sells weed. This hurt at first for obvious reasons, made me feel self conscious (is he better than me?) ect.ect. but eventually I thought whatever as long as she found someone she's happy with that's cool.
Fast forward a couple months and I run into a mutual acquaintance who starts telling me what she's been up to. She started drinking a lot (few times a week), smoking, dropped out of school (she already had her first bachelors and was working on a second), put up 2 dating profiles online (I looked at one and the way she describes herself makes her come across as a huuuuuge slut), and has slept with 3 guys that she works with (plus more since she's been hanging out with/dating guys steady since we broke up). I've heard all of these things from a couple people, she's starting to earn a reputation.
This is all coming from a sweet, innocent, nice girl... you would literally have never guessed all of this from her, everyone that knows her is pretty shocked.
Hearing all of this is hurtful, it makes me wonder how she could go from being in a really loving 6 year relationship to that over the course of weeks, makes me wonder how much she really cared about me if she's willing to hump so many other guys so quickly, and just sucks in general. It also dashes any hope of getting back together, and makes me worry about her quite a bit.
Could anyone supply me with some perspective on this? Why is she doing these things? What might her motivations be? What does this say about our relationship? What does this say about her, or me? Anything really.
Also before anyone says anything, I know worrying about what she's up too isn't good for me, and it's not bothering me too too much, I'm just curious and I'd like to understand. We grew up together and loved one another for 6 years and that isn't going to go away overnight, I'd still like to think she's going to be ok.

Thanks for reading my stupid post!

[fearoflove]

She is trying to get over you so she is having sex with all those guys.

[VincenzoG91]

First of all, don't worry too much about your ex, because she is your ex.

Second, it sounds like she was a better person while she was with you, so you shouldn't feel any guilt about her current lifestyle.

Third, she is still young, so she probably has some stupidity to work through before she is ready to act like a real adult. I know I did some stupid stuff during my 20s. Maybe even while she was with you, she had some curiosity about what it would be like to party a lot and sleep around with other guys.

I'm sure you two had a special relationship to have stayed together that long, but it's pretty rare for such a young couple to stay together in the really long run. People go through a lot of changes in their teens and 20s, and it's unlikely that a couple would stay compatible during all those changes. Maybe this is just a phase for her, or maybe this is just the way she really is going to be as an adult. Either way, you're better off seeing that you ducked a bullet, and then get on with your life without looking back much.

[HeartIsAching]

Why worry about it? She's your ex. Now that you're not together, she's ****ing up.

[cornbread]

Why worry about it? She's your ex. Now that you're not together, she's ****ing up.

I understand that, but like I said I still care about her a lot even if I don't want a relationship with her, she's been family for a long time. Aside from that I'm asking because I want some insight about how this reflects on me, the things I did, our relationship ect. so I can come out of this better off than when I went in.
I'd also like to have some sort of relationship with her, she emailed me recently and suggested we get dinner. It'd be cool to stay in touch and be involved in each other's lives, if she found a good guy I'd be stoked for her.

Maybe I'm coming off as a bit of a wiener, but like I said I'm mostly fine, just curious about what people might think.

[basilandthyme]

I'm....just curious about what people might think.

Honestly? I try not to judge others. Admittedly, sometimes it's hard not to judge people if their actions are hurting someone else.....but she's not hurting you. So I won't judge her.

[cornbread]

Honestly? I try not to judge others. Admittedly, sometimes it's hard not to judge people if their actions are hurting someone else.....but she's not hurting you. So I won't judge her.

That's not really what I meant. I'm not looking for people to tell me she's bad or anything, just wondering what makes a woman act like her own polar opposite following a break up.

[Barbarisa]

You are feeling hurt and dissapointed, in addition to the disbelief about her current behavior. Relationships are that - once it's over, any extra following can be considered as stalking, not to mention that it prolly hurts to see her moving on....

Her actions are none of your business anymore. The sooner you heal over it, the sooner are the chances of finding a healthy and meaningful relationship. That is the shortcut to the truth.

From this "oh, six years, hard to let go" tower, you may spend a considerable ammount of time trying to figure out the reasons behind all the whoreish behavior, as long as you can avoid the very useful questions of "what's good out of all this analysis?" If you do not intend to go back to her, understand that sometimes we date people that are immature, irresponsible and with a little sense of respect. You can only wish for the best for her and move on.

[pcmaster]

I loved her as much as you can love a person and our relationship was mostly good, but she sucked a lot of the time too.

some bum with a shitty job that sells weed

This is the most funny post I have read here, its amazing how open minded you are.


Seriously it sounds that your GF had big plans on you and now shes lost her heart, dreams, target in life and cant forgive herself(She might have thought that she can live without you, but pretty soon found out that she cant). Probably blaming herself, falling inside the black even more because of inner conflict and cant forgive herself of what shes done to herself. Sluting around with bum should be because of low selfesteem lately.

You still can save her. At least have that dinner. She needs a friend now and just knowing that you are around will make her feel at peace.

[michelle23]

It sounds as if she was ready to settle down with you. She wanted a future-to move in with you, eventually marry you and have kids etc. When she realized you don't want the same things-it was make her break and she decided to break.

She is hurting, missing you, self destructive, trying to heal the hole in her heart. She will probably stop this behavior soon and start to grieve the loss of the relationship properly. She needs time.

You turning up and trying to comfort her will just confuse her and make her worse.

Its better to leave her alone. If you don't want her back or want the same things as her then just stay away and let, her heal the heartbreak in her own way.

It is not a reflection on you or your relationship. She is probably depressed which is normal when a ltr ends and it takes time. Many people have a rebound to boost their confidence. Her self esteem is probably low, she is vulnerable and fragile.

[cornbread]

So she emailed me asking to go to dinner when we both got back in town (we were both away). I said ok, told her to text me when she's back, we've both been back for a week and 3 days, no text, no call, nothing.
It hurts a lot that she would do that. I don't get this change in her. I guess it's time I just forget about her and move on.

[michelle23]

Do you want her back cornbread? If you do-grow a pair and go get her. If you don't-leave her alone.

[davidjones]

I'm in a fairly similar boat, had been with my girlfriend 3 years, she broke up with me in January. We tried the friends thing at first though she knew i wanted more. However she was just going out drinking and god knows what else...naturally you think the worst, she's never been that type of girl but her friends are so I assumed they'd led her astray. I know your pain, it sounds like you thought of her as your Princess as I did my girlfriend and the thought of them being something else with others is horrible.

I was a mess and I came on here looking for some help, the best advice I had was from Michelle23. She said just to break all contact and leave her to it. It was hard and it's only been a bit over 2 weeks but I already find I'm not thinking about her much at all and I certainly don't worry about what she's doing anymore. Out of sight out of mind. I'd suggest doing the same, surround yourself with friends and just have fun for a bit.

[btl857]

but she sucked a lot of the time too.

Wait, isn't that a good thing? :-)

But really, it sounds like she just plain changed into a different person. I've had the same thing happen to me, although not after 6 years. It's a shame that you both put so much time into it only for things to change like that. Good luck.

[jamie11]

Your post isn't stupid and it's normal to care and worry. Maybe she's becoming like that because she can't get over your relationship or she can't find a guy like you. I think it's best to talk to her and ask what's going on and try to fix it from there.