Therapy is a waste of time and money. HIA is living proof of that.
Therapy is a waste of time and money. HIA is living proof of that.
LOL, like I said, he's a troll.
Yeah, it was the hard jail time that sorted him out, not some therapist. Once you've had the threat of a brother every shower, it kinda changes your behaviour a tad.
You've been with this guy for three years. No sex for three years and lying by omission that whole time.
If I found out that my boyfriend had spent *three years* hiding something so major from me - including lying about the reasons he'd refused sex - I'd wonder what else he was hiding from me. I'd be angry that I'd fallen for someone who had presented a fake persona to me. I'd lose all trust I have in him. It could well be a dealbreaker.
You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you continue to lie by omission, you'll further damage the relationship - and the longer you keep it secret, the worse the potential for damage becomes. But if you come clean, he's likely to question everything you've ever told him and have his trust severely damaged.
I think you've made some terrible decisions in this relationship. I really don't know how you can recover without harming the relationship.
Never regret anything that has happened in your life. It cannot be changed, forgotten or undone. So, take it as a lesson learned and move on.
i think it depends on how strong the friendship in the relationship is.
cause if it is not strong, you man regret later or his reaction can make you regret it.
so if you feel safe enough etc. you can say something about it to him.
but i think best would be if you took time to get over it as much as possible before getting in
another relationship.
This^ sounds right to me.
After 3 years, you have managed to dig yourself into a deep hole of non-communication. Like HIA, I want to know why this man is still waiting for you. Sounds like he has issues of his own. No offense, but even if this man thinks he loves you to death its still unhealthy for him not to have addressed the lack of sex. Either he doesn't want it, is getting it someplace else or has self-esteem issues of his own.
Why can't you talk to him? That is another big red flag.
If it helps, I can relate somewhat. I came out of a long marriage last year. Some would call it emotionally abusive, though I hate labels, particularly since I chose to be there all those years. A couple months ago, I met a man and we fell in love. Really strong connection, love at first sight, yadda yadda. It's been wonderful for both of us except, like you, I have baggage from my marriage I haven't had a chance to work through completely. I haven't shared gory details with my boyfriend but he knows my general situation. I had to share with him to explain why I wasn't ready for his rather strong declaration of his own feelings about me. We did this 1-2 months in. I can't imagine letting this drag out to 3 years, that is just wrong.
As HIA said, those negative emotions are driven by fear. You have to find a way to let that go. Some do it by rationalizing, others by running straight at their fear and doing the opposite of what it says. Either way, you need to get in the habit of facing that fear and taking intelligent risks that will make you happy. I can't say much more to you at this point, being somewhat on the same path as you, but I will say that it's important to have a partner you feel comfortable taking these risks with.
If he makes you uncomfortable, or does anything that reminds you of your previous bad experiences, then he is not the one for you. Face that fear before any others and move on. Good luck.
Here is a quote from one of my favourite authors (HIA, its LM Bujold)
But pain... seems to me an insufficient reason not to embrace life. Being dead is quite painless. Pain, like time, is going to come on regardless. Question is, what glorious moments can you win from life in addition to the pain?
Second thoughts can generally be amended with judicious action; injudicious actions can seldom be recovered with second thoughts.
--Cyteen by C.J.Cherryh
So, what are you doing to do, OSB?
Second thoughts can generally be amended with judicious action; injudicious actions can seldom be recovered with second thoughts.
--Cyteen by C.J.Cherryh
Indi i told him