PLEASE HELP: I have no idea what to do next?

[PaliG]

Part 1:

Hi everyone i'm looking for some advice in regard to a relationship situation I am. So here it goes.

I am 21 and the girl in this tale is 22 and I have had small romances in the past but nothing significant I would call this girl my first real love.

I worked with a girl, who for the sake of this post I shall call "Rachel" (not her real name), whom I was friendly with and always enjoyed talking with. One day we started talking about hook up buddies and how I thought two people could be just platonic friends and still be physical with each other. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing a movie and attempting a kiss between two friends which happened in the car park of the movies. Initially unimpressed with my kissing we got talking about what she and I could improve on. This then led to several rendezvous' over the coming months with us gradually growing closer together and unknowingly relying on each other more and more. She and I could literally talk for hours both on the phone and in person. We also got more and more physical, it should be noted that she is an extremely religious girl who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, without going into explicit detail we got quite physical to the point of third base. A few months of this went by and Rachel went for coffee with a friend of us both from work who told Rachel she thought I had a crush on her (which for the record could not be further from the truth the girl is delusional) this made Rachel quite jealous and realise that there was more between us than she originally thought. A couple of weeks after this meeting I asked if she wanted to go to the aquarium and a museum with me, i'm not sure of my thoughts at the time I think subconsciously I wanted to get closer with her. We proceeded to have romantic kisses in the dark and a photo together and when we got to the museum we began to hold hands and she kept joking around that "friends don't hold hands" and joked how I was preventing her from meeting her future husband because it looked like she was with someone. I drove her back to her car in a shopping centre carpark as she had work that night and we talked and she was saying how she can't be physical with me anymore as it's driving her away from her faith. It was then walking away she gave me an ultimatum that she can't hear about me hooking up with other people and this "hook up buddy" thing has either stop completely or turn into something. I said I would think about it as I didn't really know what to say. I went home and wrote up a pro's and con's list and realised I wanted to be with her so I called her after work and told her and we arranged our first legitimate date.

Rachel and I have always been loud people with strong opinions and we often joked throughout our relationship that when we would go out we always looked like two awkward people on our first date. We are argumentative and her faith has always been a contentious topic. Rachel is incredibly attracted to me to the point where she states I am the best kisser in the world and can turn her on by pretty much clicking her fingers. This incredible attraction eventually led me to taking her virginity although she still fights her sexual attraction for me and every time we slept together it always took a lot of effort. I wanted to state for the record I never forced her to do any of this in fact there were plenty of time where half way through I was like I can't do this to you out of pure guilt on my part but her being extremely turned on would just tell me to continue.

About two months into our relationship we had a big fight where she pretty much stated she doesn't know what she feels for me and I said some doubt is normal it's part of getting to know each other. This was mainly to do with her faith issues and how I was influencing her to do the wrong thing but it was also to do with the fact she was going to Europe with her friend for a month and didn't know what would happen to our relationship. We broke up for a day and I was a mess and pretty much persuaded her to go back on our decision. After this the romance in our relationship greatly increased and we felt incredibly comfortable with each other and month after month our squabbles about things decreased further and further. Rachel has always had difficulty in expressing her feelings and over our time together this got better for her although was still limited. About a week before our one year anniversary I was trialing as a manager at our work and somehow lost the store keys in a panic I rang her and was freaking out and pretty much hung up on her in a frenzy trying to find these keys. On her own accord she came down to the store to help me find them and although we didn't find them she comforted me and told me everything was going to be ok. It was at this moment I realised how much she cared about me.

On the night of our one year anniversary we went to a 21st birthday party for a friend of hers something she asked me weeks in advance and If i didn't mind make our anniversary plans the next evening which I was happy to do. She seemed a little bit distant and I tried to surprise her with a little cute anniversary gift of a few photos of our relationship with something written on the back of each of them. She got annoyed that I was doing this at an inappropriate time so i kept them. I got quite angry at this and pretty much avoided her for the rest of the night. She dropped me home and we cleared things up although I was still pretty angry but I put my feelings aside as it was quite petty. On our anniversary night I picked her up and gave her the photos and took her to the same restaurant we had our first date at. She acted strangely and was quite quiet throughout and I surprised her with tickets to Taylor Swift which picked her mood up slightly. Then out of no where she said "I don't know what I feel for you anymore" at this point I got really angry and wrapped up dinner and we went to drive home and she was asking am I going to ignore her and I did. We got to her house and I was just like "get out!" we then pulled up down the road and she explained to me that over the last couple of weeks she had a gut feeling about the relationship that she just didn't feel it was right. Rachel relies on her gut feelings a lot and has been quite accurate with these feelings in the past like me doing well in a uni exam when I thought I did crap. We talked some more and she was like I need to be alone I obviously was shocked and devastated. She stated she still loved me madly but she couldn't shake this feeling that something was wrong.

We broke up and I was just dumbstruck and beyond devastated. I then blocked her on Facebook got rid of everything she had given me and packed it all away. And I was an absolute mess for about a month my emotions continuously fluctuating from anger to despair and the flick of a switch. She came in to my work to return an item that belonged to me and I treated her with contempt and pretty much blanked her. When she left the store I realised my mistake and ran after her to talk to her and I poured my heart to her saying how much I love her and how much she means to me and I know she feels the same about me. She said she honestly didn't know what she felt for me and she couldn't give me an answer. A few weeks went by with no contact and one day she popped up on my facebook notifications despite me blocking her from my news feed about being out with people at a particular location (just a bunch of girls from her new work) this angered me I have no idea why but it really stirred me up so I deleted her as a friend about a couple of days later I was at work on a break in our tea room and she stormed in threw one of my belongings on the table and walked out. I ran after her and she was very angry I had deleted her on Facebook I just stated what am I to do I'm stuck in limbo you say you still love me but are not with me. I shouted at her saying I need to know either way either you still love me and want me or you don't love me and want to move on. She said that she does still love me but can't be with me because of this gut feeling. I broke into tears again and then talked a bit after I finished work and it was more of the same how she still didn't know what she felt either way. We agreed it was best to remain distant but I added her back on Facebook and reblocked her.

It was after this we didn't speak for just under a month she then blanked me when i saw her from a distant (she din't think I saw her) this made me quite angry and i called her that evening after a few drinks during the day time. I was like why did we fail I still don't understand that if we love each other why we can't be together. She explained to me the feelings that she had been having and how it was the hardest decision she has ever had to make and would honestly take me back in a second but knew she couldn't beat this gut feeling. She said things like how she was thinking at certain points in time how she was going to persuade me to marry her. I still didn't understand how that her feelings could change so dramatically in a short period of time. She got quite frustrated me in the conversation and she said things like I would say crude things at inappropriate times in public and how my faith wasn't strong enough.

We didn't talk for about a month and then she came into my work to speak with a manager of ours who she is friendly with I walked past her and got angry she was there and blanked her. I then texted her to apologise as my manager had told me she was talking about family issues and it had nothing to do with me. I said that I was hurt that she couldn't come to me to talk about those things and she said that she didn't think I wanted to know. She then asked if I wanted to meet up and talk she said she could come to my place and I said I don't mind we can go some where else she said I don't care where so I said alright come to mine. She came over to mine and explained her family issues it involved a suicide attempt I won't go into details in respect for her and her family (she didn't try to commit suicide though) we talked for about an hour and there was a lot of sexual tension in the room with touching from both I and her. I then said is it ok if i kiss you she said she had wanted to but didn't want to lead me on. We then had 3 hours of passionate sex with her saying things like how much she missed me and she wished should could stay in this moment with me forever and how she didn't want to leave and how sad it was going to be going to future events without me and at one point she was crying in my arms. She then left and texted me the next day asking if I was ok I said yeah but where do we stand now? "She replied with I guess how we were before..." I then met up with her a day later to discuss it and she said the timing for us is all wrong if we were older she would have no problem marrying me but at this point in time she can't shake the doubt.

I said to her that if you think there is someone better out there than say it and just let me move on despite how much I love her I was willing to let her be happy at the expense of my feelings. I said to her I want the world to experience Rachel I don't want to rob you of any opportunities. She said she was confused about whether she was lonely or missing me specifically and how one of her friends came to her for advice and she realised at this point in time she couldn't fight to get me as she believed her heart wasn't in it. She said we are young and naive and she wants to experience things like being alone, having an office fling etc. After this conversation we were texting and I said I know you don't want me to wait for you but I have to because that's how much I love you it may seem stupid but I can't let something so special to me go. She was lost for words and was like that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to her.

At this point I didn't speak with her for about three weeks when I started feeling a lot better and not thinking about her as much although she was still in my head she wasn't consuming my thoughts. I then got an overwhelming missing her feeling for a couple of days and I just had an unusual sense that she missed me too. I was then at work and she came in for a chat with me and it was nice, we were talking about bits and pieces that had been going on and she said that she had got into running and was getting quite good and suggested we go for a run in a flirty way I flirted back with a name a time and place and she said how about tomorrow. We arranged to run near by house which wasn't much of a run just walking around talking. I then invited her back to my house where we got intimate again (pretty much all instigated by me but once we got really intimate is was totally equal). After being intimate we went and got a bite to eat down at the shops and she was just randomly kissing me like she couldn't stop. She then dropped me home and I kissed her goodbye.

The next day I was in at her work returning an item I had purchased and she saw me and we got talking again just general conversation. She finished work and we walked to our cars and we talked and we kissed each other on the cheek goodbye after flirting a little. The next day I got a haircut and messaged her a photo to get her opinion she said that it looked good and told me how her uncle owns the hairdressers. I said that she should get a job there as a cute girl like her would bring in customers. She then said or scare them away... I then said she should come over to show me how to play a game she was good at and she said you know what I'm like its raining and cold I couldn't be bothered. I then said I was going to see a movie by myself and she said you can't see it by yourself I'll come with you but it's just friendly. We got to the cinema just in time for the movie and I ignored her the whole time as I was annoyed. After the movie I just walked away. Her car was around the corner and got in pretty quick. I regretted my decision and ran back after her and apologised.

[PaliG]

Part 2:
I said to her I can't do this in limbo in between crap you need to choose whether or not to give this another shot or walk away for good. We walked around for ages and she said she was worried about marrying the wrong person as marriage is a big commitment and doesn't believe in divorce. She also said she wants to see the world and do all sorts of different things (a vision I share) I said that she could do all of those things still I would never stop her from doing things like that ever as I would want her to stop me. She then got quite frustrated and said she was going crazy with all sorts of thoughts running around in her head. She said that on a daily basis her mind changes back and forth as to what the right decision is. We then were about to leave and she kissed me and we kept kissing she drove me to my car and we were talking about what we want in terms of children marriage and kids. Our answers were very similar in terms of the faith side of things. And she couldn't keep her hands off of me. I asked her do you just want me physically and she said no of course not there are other things I love about you. She also said she hates how I have such a control over her both physically and emotionally.

We left and I was in a right state once again as it was the same thing again she still didn't know what she wanted to do. I texted her and said you need to figure this out you either want me and we get back together or you let me go and we move on. I made it clear that I am not a part of her life if she chooses to let go as it is too painful for us both to hang on. I said this to her as I believe it is unfair on both of us to carry on this in limbo approach it's either one or the other for both our sanity so we can move forward with our lives. I am now awaiting her decision I said I wanted a time frame on it she said she didn't know what to say.
Other important points:

• Since our break up she hooked up with a guy and accidentally called him by my name
• I have not hooked up with anyone not by choice I just haven't really b een lucky I would have if the opportunity arose
• I accept I am young but I believe I am in love if I had the choice to wait two years for her and have no one I would as opposed to meeting someone else wonderful tomorrow
• I am happy with my life and things are getting better for me but I have said to her that having her in my life would make it that much better
• I understand that there are lots of other girls out there for me and I have no problem believing I could get someone else
• There are things that annoy me about her but even her flaws I love but she is by no means perfect I have never seen her as perfection
• She understands me and we both have said we get each other
• We both have admitted we make each other better people
• Neither of us have dated other people since we broke up
• Rachel said she saw qualities of mine in other guys and that made her miss me
• Every time I talk with a girl I just realise that they are not like Rachel and don't make me as happy

My questions are:

1) What do I now?
2) Am I in love with this girl or am I suffering from first love syndrome?
3) Is she just merely infatuated with me?
4) If you are a girl have you been in this situation? And what did you do about it?
5) If you are a guy what did you do? Did you walk away? Or stay and fight?


Thanks guys sorry for the long post I needed to get this off my chest!

[basilandthyme]

Pali, if you want more responses, you may want to try editing down the size of your story.

[michelle23]

this girl is a mass of contradictions. "i wana wait till marriage but ill sleep with you" "i wana have an office fling before i settle down" "i hooked up with someone else since the breakup" she makes NO sense.

if shes really all religious-her behaviour says a lot different. and she doesnt no what she wants. your wasting your time with her..
you already no your a catch and can easily find someone else who wants the same things you do.

i recommend you cut all contact, take the time to grieve the loss and be alone until your ready to meet someone else..

tell her to stop turning up where you work and to stop contacting you..

it sounds like shes looking for perfection and theres no such thing. youll never be enough for her and you can do better.

you sound emotionally intelligent with your head screwed on and you no what you want. dont waste any more time on her