Can't break obsession, what is wrong with me?

[Goona]

Hello,

I won't let myself move on, and keep obsessing. I am stuck in the past and can't let go. Why?

My ex and I were together for 3 years and lived together in a different country from mine. She has a 6 year old daughter.
We broke up 7 months ago and have been NC for 4. She has a new boyfriend and I just found out she is pregnant.

She really wanted a baby, so I am happy for her, but I guess I wish it was my child.

But when we were together, we had a terrible relationship. We both weren't happy and 'broke up' many times.
She was my first real girlfriend, and I acted very immature and mean sometimes. I am trying to deal with the guilt of that.

But she also was difficult and had many problems with big debts and things, and got me involved in that.

I kinda knew we weren't right for each other, and even thought we should break up.

So why did it break my heart, and hurt so much? Why am I still obsessed with her, and can't let go?

I feel like I did love her, but maybe it's just obsession.

I realise that we will never get back together, especially since she is now having someone else's baby, but why do I keep thinking about her all the time and missing the past? Sometimes I even start to feel a bit better, but I stop myself and make myself remember and feel bad again. What is wrong with me?

It took me a long time to find a girl who would love me, and now it feels like it will be a long time till I find someone else. She loved me, and I threw away the chance to be happy with her.

Why can't I get myself together and be strong enough to look to the future and something better?

If anyone has any comments or wants to tell me, just get over it, I would appreciate it.

[michelle23]

It takes time. You know the relationship was destructive and unhealthy so you made the right decision ending it. It should be a learning experience and teach you what you want/dont want in a woman.

Look up the five stages of grief so youll understand the process your going through. Its normal to feel awful for awhile after a long term relationship ends but it will get better.

You need to focus on yourself, keep busy, spend time with family/friends, find a new hobby or join the gym. You need to be happy on ur own first before your ready to meet someone else. You need to work on ur self esteem and boost your confidence.

Focus on all the good things about you and why any woman would be lucky to have you. Use this time to think about the qualities that are important to you in a woman, set your standards high and dont settle for anything less just coz ur lonely.

When you meet someone ur compatable with-she will be like a breath of fresh air and ull look back and realize how unhealthy that relationship really was.

Stay strong, take each day at a time.

[Goona]

Thanks for your reply Michelle

This break-up has really shattered my confidence. I have always had a problem with self esteem and confidence. I am a bit shy and socially anxious. It is really hard to build yourself back up again.

I am studying to get a better job and things and trying to be better. It's the internal battle with myself to stay positive that is hard.

I just have to keep reminding myself to be patient.

[michelle23]

If ur self esteem is really low-do whatever it takes to boost it even counselling if necessary. You need to be emotionay healthy before you can be in a healthy relationship

all of this will make you stronger.

[Gorza]

You shared 3 years together and lived in each others pockets, it's difficult to let go of that stuff. However you see the faults and as much as she's moved on and having someone else's kid, you have to look upwards and onwards.

The relationship was destructive and as hurt and battered emotionally you may be, take the situation for what it is. It's definitely not what you wanna hear but you have to stay busy so you can take your mind off things and try and find another person to channel your efforts.
You know where you went wrong so you hopefully won't make the same mistakes.

I'm similar to you, in that my ex is with another man, I know where I've gone wrong but I want her back. I'm not the most confident or social so the next girlfriend is a not something I'm in a place to think about.

Chin up matey.

[Goona]

Thanks Gorza.

It is so difficult to let go. It feels like it's going to take so long to get over this.

I know she's moved on, and I wish I could focus on the future. But I just keep getting stuck on the 'what if's'. The relationship was destructive, but I keep looking back and thinking that if only I had been more mature and acted better, maybe it could have worked.

There were some bad circumstances we were in, but instead of being there for her, I just blamed her for everything and pushed my own insecurities onto her too, and wanted to get out. Now I got what I wanted but it seems it wasn't really what I wanted.

I really want to contact her and see how she is and be a part of her life still, but I think I just have to let go.

I am so full of regrets, guilt and sadness everyday.
I guess all I can do is try to learn the lessons from it.

It doesn't help that the rest of my life is not particularly great right now either.

I try to hope for the future. But I think it will be a long time before I am ready to meet someone new.
Most relationships fail anyway, so is it even worth falling in love when there will be so much pain after?

I hope you are also coping with your situation and doing well. We must hope that that right person is waiting somewhere

[michelle23]

You need to let go, stop dwelling on it, let go of the guilt. You cant change anything and it is what it is so you need to stop thinking so much and try to move forward.

If you meet someone you are compatible with emotionally, intellectually, sexually and share the same life goals and values it can work. Of course it can so stop thinking it will fail. Bad relationships fail for a reason. Good ones don't. As long as there is trust and love-it can last a lifetime. Remember that.

If you have self esteem issues-you need to work on that. In order to be in a healthy relationship, you need to be healthy emotionally and psychologically. You need to love yourself and be happy alone first before you can share that happiness with someone else.

Dysfunction attracts dysfunction and it results in co-dependency. On the other hand positive people attract positive people and it can be great!

Surround yourself with people who will make you laugh, have fun, focus on work, exercise, spend time with people who care, you could even go on a few casual dates or flirt a little to boost your confidence.

[Goona]

I tell myself everyday that the past is the past, and it can't be changed. But I still want it to.

It's hard to start again with nothing. I want to start a family and now I have to find someone else. It will take me a long time to find someone. Years.

I'll just have to work on myself and the rest of my life, to be better and happy.

Thanks.

[michelle23]

It wont take years to find someone. You just need to try and heal right now-give yourself a deadline say 6 months to get over her before you get back out there dating again.