Unrequited love - I need a man's opinion

[jeanshanchik]

I CANNOT figure this man out. Maybe you can?!

I met this guy online (he's 27, I'm 21, he just finished med school.. studying for his boards). He lives in the area. We talked a lot on the site before we ever met, and he said to me "You're actually the first person I've told my real name to." That puzzled me.. but I'll explain later. He also said to me, "Well you are cute, but I'm sure you hear that a lot." I fell in love with him the second I met him in person. I have never been so attracted to a person as much as I am to him. It's not even how he looks.. it's his entire demeanor and mind and everything, naturally. (When I initially messaged him, I just automatically assumed that he didn't want to be more than friends.. I still don't think I'm the prettiest thing in the world, even though so many guys try to convince me otherwise. So when I suggested we hang out, I said as friends, so he didn't have to worry.)

We basically have been talking every single day since I messaged him on the website. That was back in September.. it is now March. Occasionally we'd go one or two days without talking and whatnot. But I'd always wait for him to text me, and he WOULD. Always. It never failed.

I eventually told him that I was developing feelings for him (I didn't tell him the extent of the feelings.. didn't want to scare him away). Before I tell you what he said in response, this is a little about him:

His father was extremely abusive when he was a kid.. left him in a dark, dark place. His confidence is extremely low.. as in he blacked-out all of his mirrors at school and didn't ever really go out. He said to me earlier in the relationship that he never ever attempts to kiss girls first because he thinks he's not good enough. That they always deserve better. This is crazy because physically, he's GORGEOUS. Absolutely gorgeous. He also has told me that he finds it hard to feel crazy about anybody.

Every relationship he's been in has been ended by him. Even after a four-year one. He told her, "look, I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you." When his mom or sisters tell him they miss him, he can't say it back because he doesn't feel it, as much as he loves and respects them. He thinks he's missing a part of his soul.. and he gives back to the community and volunteers to try and compensate for it. He's extremely secretive about his work (he does a lot of work for NSA, I believe. a real techie. has shown me his skills.. it's crazy what he can do. but he leaves a lot of things about his life left unsaid. I don't even know his sisters' names). I've accepted this.

Okay-- so now the juicy part. What he said when I told him about my feelings.
"Look, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I never was ready for my past relationships, and I don't know when I will be. And anything physical can cripple the foundations of friendship, so I don't want to compromise anything like that." etc.. etc.. etc.. "If you don't want to continue this friendship, if you think it will be too hard for you, then I understand. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy." and then i told him a SECOND time that the feelings kinda didn't go away and that i don't want to set myself up for failure (also that even though we're friends, i wonder if he even thinks i'm pretty) he said, "look, i thought last time i made it clear we were just friends. this way, there's no room for rejection. nobody has to reject and nobody gets rejected. and it's not that i don't think you're pretty, i just i didn't go into this with the intention that you were going to be my girlfriend. it's nothing you did, so please don't think that. i respect you a lot."

But.. I kept the friendship going. Of course I try to analyze every little thing he says or does. For example, I told him once that I didn't feel good enough for him, just to see what he'd say.. and he said "It's the opposite, I assure you. but this is not about me, it's about you receiving the peace of mind you need." and then one time he said in regards to something i said, "which I must admit, was a very attractive thing for you to do." he told me he respects me, and tells me OFTEN how admirable my intelligence is, how insightful i am for my age, and has complimented my personality quite a lot. i'm mature, genuine, honest, passionate, etc.. qualities he does in fact look for in girls, or so he's said.

Oftentimes, we talk about sex. Not sexting, per se. But just about things we like, and stuff that turns us on, etc.. we seem to have a lot in common, there:P I admitted something to him once, and he responded with, ">.< kinkay". i have no idea what this means, but yeah. stuff like that.

KEEP IN MIND: he STILL ALWAYS TEXTS ME. even after I told him how I felt. it's rare we go more than 3 days without talking.

and one more weird story:

one time, i went on this rant about whales. and how much i love their qualities. i said that they "dance, they sing, are peaceful, intelligent, and just amazing. I could cry just thinking about them." and he said in response.... "connect, connect.. connect the dots." and i said "i don't think i get that" and he responded with, "open your eyes."

and i changed the topic, because I had no idea what that meant and he never explained. was he trying to tell me something?

so yeah, let's bring us to now. it's been almost a week since he texted me, and i'm starting to go crazy. i know he's going to take his boards soon in chicago and has been studying like crazy for them. and when we text, we text a LOT. full blown, in-depth conversations. i know he goes into recluse mode when he's studying, so perhaps that's why he hasn't texted me.

i'm starting to worry.. and i'm trying to get over it. get over him. it's been almost six months.. nothing. but the things he said.. although scarce, had some meaning.

you're a guy. PLEASE HELP ME. i'm going insane, and i don't think i've ever felt this way about ANYbody. EVER.

ugh. i was considering just writing him a short little note before he leaves.. to tell him how i TRULY feel. but idk.

[ashley89]

this guy seems to have a lot of issues from his past. I don't think he's someone you want to get involved with because he already has his own set of problems. just the stories about how his past relationships ended and how he won't say he loves his family are huge red flags alone. he flat out said he doesn't want a relationship with you and wants to be just friends, so I don't think there is much you can really do at this point unfortunately unless you want to just keep him as a friend.

[Wakeup]

He's extremely secretive about his work (he does a lot of work for NSA,

I hope that stands for No Strings Attached because that is exactly what your relationship dynamic is.

You should really listen to someone when they tell you that they're not looking to be in a romantic relationship with you because they ALWAYS mean it. Specially those online guys who have all kinds of words to justify why they don't have time for you and then prove their words in actions.

You're wasting perfectly good dating time on him. I wouldn't even keep him around as a friend because you're emotionally hung up on him which will stagnate you from being able to connect or bond with anyone else.

Sorry. IMO. Big waste of your time.

[bearz]

You're lucky that he's actually telling you that he doesn't want a relationship. Imagine starting something with this guy and then he's going to tell you that he's not interested in more. You're getting off easy right now. Take that chance without getting your heart broken and try to move on and find someone else.

[jeanshanchik]

It's just hard to accept this fact, especially when he would talk to ME every single day. I think that's what I don't understand. I don't even do that with my closest friends.

[Wakeup]

Don't read too much into that, it could simply mean that he's talkative and just touching base with you or he's bored and so he calls to chat and you guys can have good conversations together. It doesn't mean he loves you and it doesn't mean he wants to take it past chatting/friendship.

You're wasting your time, don't be so ready to answer him when he calls. Wean yourself from your expectations from him and anticipations with him and this going no where crush you have on him.

Do yourself a favor and put your line and hook back in the water and try and scout out a guy that can give you what you want. It's a sin that you allow yourself to be strung along by this sociopath. It's six montsh you've wasted on him. Better yet, take yourself away from pursuing any guy until you've completely weaned yourself off this dufus because your obession with him will just turn any new guy off and cause him to question where your priorities, mind and heart lays.

[jeanshanchik]

it's so much easier said than done, though. that's the issue. i know it's not healthy to be so attached.. and i'm trying to detach myself from him. i don't want to be this way. i open myself up to other guys.. or try to, at least, with hopes of them making me feel the way he does. but so far, nothing. and i don't tell the guys about him. i just let it go when i start talking to someone new.

you can't help who you have feelings for.. that's the problem. i never expected to feel this way for him. but it happened, and i was rejected (even though he said no one gets rejected.. pff no rejection my butt.) it's reallly a matter of time, i think..

[michelle23]

Cut all contact with him and take the time you need to forget him -then get back out there and meet someone new

[Wakeup]

it's so much easier said than done, though.

No one said it would be easy. You have to go cold turkey withdrawl, zero contact.

that's the issue. i know it's not healthy to be so attached.. and i'm trying to detach myself from him. i don't want to be this way. i open myself up to other guys.. or try to, at least, with hopes of them making me feel the way he does.

you won't feel with them the way he makes you feel because you're still too emotionally invested in him. Lay off looking for awhile until you can do it without thinking of him or comparing them to him.

you can't help who you have feelings for..

Perhaps not but that doesn't mean you should keep flogging a unappreciative dead horse indefinately.

that's the problem. i never expected to feel this way for him. but it happened, and i was rejected (even though he said no one gets rejected.. pff no rejection my butt.) it's reallly a matter of time, i think..

You're wasting your time, your good dating years on him.

[jeanshanchik]

as much as it's not what i want to hear, i know it's the truth. thank you all. it's helped.