Why can't I let go?

[Janiesgotagun]

For the last 5 years I have been in a relationship with a man who tells me that he loves me, but doesn't act like it. It was a rocky start, I was the one who pursued him. He basically told me I wasn't his "style" when I told him how I felt for him. That made me want him even more and it was the challenge that I think fueled my desire to be with him. We were good friends, we have a lot in common, laugh, finish each others sentences, yadda yadda... He doesn't have a job, I've been supporting him. I go to work and he sits on his ass all day. He makes minimal effort to help out around the house or look for a job. He spends most of his time on the computer playing WOW.
For the first couple years, I never complained. I was just so happy being with him, because we get along so good and had so much fun, I didn't want to ruin that. I was afraid he would leave. He walked out on his previous GF without leaving a note or anything. Then after those couple of years, I started getting fed up, bitter, angry. So I started complaining, bitching, crying and threatening to leave myself. He claimed that he would "die" without me, he loved me so much, he needed me, and would change. He said he would get a job, help around the house and make our relationship a priority. Well three years later, nothing has changed. I mean he is more affectionate, a bit more open about his feelings, but overall, it's all the same.
I know I can't change him, I know I deserve someone who will treat me better. I know his past behavior is an indicator of his future behavior. What i don't know is why I am so afraid of ending it. I'm afraid I'll miss him, I'm afraid he'll find someone else and do for her what he never did for me, I'm afraid being without him will hurt much worse than being with him. I'm afraid he won't have anyone, that it will hurt him, I'm afraid I'll be walking away from my soulmate and that i will never feel for another man what I feel for him. The good moments are getting to be few and far between. The whole situation is making me sick physically. I'm tired, so tired of carrying around this constant pain and feelings of being worthless. I feel ashamed at how little I must value myself that I would allow myself to stay with someone who hurts me so deeply. I wish I could forget him or that I never met him. I know I need to end it... but I just cannot bring myself to do it. How could I love someone so deeply who clearly doesn't love me the same, and how do I end it?

[michelle23]

You need to be strong-face your fears head on-run at then and feel the pain. Look up the five stages of grief. It will take time to grieve the loss and heal but once you do that you can get back out there and experience "real love"
It will be so worth it when you meet a man who values you, respects you, treats you right, loves you. You can give yourself a real chance at happieness. So what if he moves on and meets someone else? You will do the same and youll both be happier

its hard but you no its the right thing to do and you have to put your own happieness first xx

[Rowen]

It just sounds like you're afraid that no one will love you if you leave him. It's the old saying, "when we're down on ourselves, we settle for the treatment we feel we deserve." The key is that you have to acknowledge this, be strong, and move on. You have to get away from this guy and talk to other men (as friends until you're ready to start dating again). I had this problem with my ex; I was submissive to his every need and never recognized I had the power to take control of my life. He was a drunk who treated me like crap again and again. But I always crawled back and tried everything I could to make him happy. I was afraid if he left no one would want to be with me because he was so excellent at pointing out my flaws and getting angry when I defended myself and recognized his own.

It needs to be like a band-aid. Just tear it off. It'll hurt like hell at first, but the longer you spend away from him, the more you'll see that there are men in this world who will generally be interested in you as a person and what you think and how you feel and what you say. You'll make good friends and eventually gain a boyfriend because you won't be settling for a man who makes you think you NEED him. You don't need him. He needs control over you, and the best thing you can do for yourself is show him he can't have it.

Take your life back. Tell him how it is- that from now on he has no bearing over you. Then, and only then, can you achieve the happiness I know that you crave.
Whatever you do, though, good luck. I really mean that because it seems to me like you know how to take control, and I hope that whatever you should choose to do works out.

[btl857]

It seems like a lot of women are this way. I wish I knew why. There are a lot of us guys out there who really care, and we often lose out to the jerks who don't.

[michelle23]

It seems like a lot of women are this way. I wish I knew why. There are a lot of us guys out there who really care, and we often lose out to the jerks who don't.

That's very pessimistic and "poor me" attitude. That is why guys "lose out". Change your attitude.