Infidelity Survival

[cosinco]

Note: Sorry for the long ramble below. None of these seem type poststo be able to be summed up in a few words. I hope you can take the time and give me some realistic input. Thanks!:

So my girlfriend of 2 years cheated on me. She is 35 and I am 33. This more or less came out of the blue after she lost her job. She had been working very hard to start this new career in engineering by going back to school as an adult to get a masters. To start this new career and was doing fine for awhile before the job ended. She hasn’t been able to find a new job in her new field and had to go back to her old degree (in OT). This devastated her. During a time where she was depressed and non-communicative, she ended up cheating on me.

This happened about a month ago. She told me right afterwards and I reacted like most human beings do, angrily and with hurt. I initially take the high road, tell her have a nice life and look the other way. But I couldn’t sustain that. She reached out, I gave in and we talked.

Last night, I have a few drinks in me and we were texting back & forth. She eventually invites me over. I oblige.

While I originally had no intentions of doing so, we ended up talking about everything. I asked her to tell me, openly about who and why she cheated on me. I did not let my emotions get involved. She said that it was someone she knew long before me. They would occasionally hook up, but never got in a relationship. When she and I started dating, they stopped talking altogether. Fast forward to when she was very depressed about her life, I wasn’t around much at the time (busy with work) and he had reached out to her. They started talking and one thing led to another after a night of drinks. She said it happened once, she felt terrible and told me after. She said she later told him that she told me and that everything was messed up. Afterwards, she said they haven’t spoken.

I asked, if she loved me, what played in her mind during the conscious decisions that led to her betraying me. Obviously, there was a level of pre-planning involved even if the cheating was impulsive. She told me that because her life was shattered, she felt worthless and a complete failure. She worked so hard to make something of herself and it didn’t work. She felt that since she sucked at her life, she might as well just suck at her relationship. She said, in her despair, she just wanted to destroy everything in her life. She felt that she was unworthy of our relationship and felt it was best to break it apart. I asked her if she had feelings for him and she said no. She said that it was always like that between them – random and infrequent.

So for whatever reason, I kind of understood. While the whole thing left me hurt, disappointed, humiliated, and everything in-between - I saw that her cheating wasn’t about me, it was about her. Her own craziness and depression. I was collateral damage.

And strangely afterwards, I ended up opening up to her. Completely. I told her everything about myself that I haven’t told before. Every time I lied (which wasn’t often) or every time I wasn’t happy. I told her my darkest desires, secrets, fears, etc. I told her things I haven’t told anyone else. It felt so wonderful to finally open up to her and show her who I was. I rambled on for several hours and she was very engaged. I think she just wanted everything on the table – open, unfiltered and exposed. It weirdly brought us emotionally together. It was a strange, wonderful experience. Complete exposure because there was nothing left to lose. No reason left to hide.

This highlights my failures of the relationship. While I was faithful, I was distant at times and growing increasingly so leading up to this. While my love never wavered, I tend to just withdraw at times. I took our relationship for granted.

Regardless, I ended up staying the night and we kind of had sex, which was interrupted by me getting a crazy panic attack, caused by the intimacy feeling awkward and unnatural to me. It was too soon. It was defiantly an indicator that I’m not over the hurt. Not enough to share my intimacy. Not yet. I also woke up frequently throughout the night with cold sweats. All sorts of fears, concerns, hope, anxiety, uncertainty, excitement, possibility, all floating through my head. I wondered what I was doing there; I was both happy and scared. Basically, still very confused.

Life has become such a hectic ride and the easy way out would be to just run away from it all – I know I would be fine in the long run. But, in a weird way, these events have forced us to become closer together, to open up to each other, completely. It helped me see what I did wrong. It helped her see what she did wrong (aside from the obvious). It opened doors and opened eyes. While things are still very, very messed up. We see that we still love each other. But I don’t know if that’s enough to repair the relationship, or start a new one.

So that’s my story. I guess my question is, is there hope for us or am I just denying the inevitable? Am I just in denial? Am I only setting myself up for more hurt or should I just take a leap of faith and see where this goes? Are there any others with similar experiences that actually ended in success?

[bearz]

I'd say a lot of this depends on how is she doing now and what her plans are for the near future. Is she going to continue to be in sort of a downward spiral or is there a light at the end of the tunnel for her?

I'm a believer of giving people a second chance, especially if they are in a situation like hers where they need help, love, and comfort. But if they screw up a second time, that's it, game over.

[michelle23]

To me cheating is crossing a line and i no in my heart id never get over it so the only option for me would bto walk away.

I believe there are five different types of cheaters and i think she falls into the category of insecure and emotionally imature. How do you no that the next time life gets tough or you go through a rough patch that this wont happen again? She used this as an escape from reality and a coping mechanism. Its very destructive and unhealthy.

Stop blaming yourself. This is not your fault. Even f you were distant or took her for granted at times-that does not justify her betrayal.

Look up the five stages of grief after infidelity. It will help you understand the process you are going to go through in order to heal and also look up the five types of cheaters by robert weiss.

It is your decision on whether you stay or go. If you chose to go-you will grieve the loss within 2years and get over her. If you choose to stay the grieving process will take longer and it will always be there between you. That trust is shattered and may never come back 100%

im not trying to tell you to go. Im just giving you a realistic and honest opinion of the future. Even if you manage to forgive you will never forget. Its your choice and i wish you luck.

[michelle23]

To me cheating is crossing a line and i no in my heart id never get over it so the only option for me would bto walk away.

I believe there are five different types of cheaters and i think she falls into the category of insecure and emotionally imature. How do you no that the next time life gets tough or you go through a rough patch that this wont happen again? She used this as an escape from reality and a coping mechanism. Its very destructive and unhealthy.

Stop blaming yourself. This is not your fault. Even f you were distant or took her for granted at times-that does not justify her betrayal.

Look up the five stages of grief after infidelity. It will help you understand the process you are going to go through in order to heal and also look up the five types of cheaters by robert weiss.

It is your decision on whether you stay or go. If you chose to go-you will grieve the loss within 2years and get over her. If you choose to stay the grieving process will take longer and it will always be there between you. That trust is shattered and may never come back 100%

im not trying to tell you to go. Im just giving you a realistic and honest opinion of the future. Even if you manage to forgive you will never forget. Its your choice and i wish you luck.

[Storgae]

My name is Stella. I'm 24 years old. I am currently in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. I cheated on my boyfriend 3 years ago. I didn't even have the guts to tell him the truth, I kept the affair hidden from him for months. A mutual friend of ours eventually told him the truth. He was completely devastated. I begged for him not to leave me, I ended the affair and we would not refer to it again after that. (Big mistake - you need to talk things out, no matter how much it hurts) A few months later he cheated on me. It only happened once, he told me the truth right away. I felt like I deserved it because of what I had done, I tried to make it work - it didn't. I told him it was over. I was a complete mess, he was a complete mess and we were both so miserable. Why did I cheat? Women cheat on their partner for various reasons: money, status, security, partnership, intimacy .. the list goes on. I had an affair with a guy because I really believed he loved me, he was sick at the time and relied on me for so many things. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him. It felt like he needed me. We studied LLB Law together, shared the same friends. Whatever I might write here, it doesn't make it right for anyone to cheat. Never. But try to understand. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend with my actions, that was never my intention, but I ended up hurting him anyway. Because I was selfish. And because I didn't know how to communicate, how to voice my displeasure (in Afrikaans we refer to the "displeasures" as "klein jakkalsies" - the little things that bug you in a relationship). How did we get back together? He jumped a three meter Pallisade Fence to get to me, lost his one shoe in the road .. We talked, we still talk about it, it still hurts sometimes .. but it gets better. I love him and I can't bear the thought of hurting him again. I would rather throw myself off a building. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner. He has seen my flaws and still loved me for it. Infidelity is devastating, it erases trust, it invites jealousy in your life, it makes both of you miserable. Love can give you the power to forgive and forget. Also, I would like to add that none of these things, like forgiveness, is possible without God. You need to invite Him in your relationship and He will restore what is broken. He did it for me/us and he wants to do it for you. I think you have a real chance to make something beautiful out of something so badly broken. Love and cherish each other.

[Storgae]

I guess my question is, is there hope for us or am I just denying the inevitable? Am I just in denial? Am I only setting myself up for more hurt or should I just take a leap of faith and see where this goes? Are there any others with similar experiences that actually ended in success?

I'll say take a leap of faith. :-)

[cosinco]

Update: I decided to let her go. We talked for a bit and tried things out, but I realized I was just only trying to live in the comfort zone that was the past. The present and future would never be the same. I also saw that she wasn't 100% committed to working things out. That, in the end, was what drove me away.

I realized that I was making it worse by dragging this on. I bought her flowers, bought her some gifts, and told her that we can't see each other anymore. She cried, but agreed. It wasn't meant to be.

Thanks for the advice everyone~ it definitely helped.

[michelle23]

well done for being strong. you should be proud of yourself. if you need any help to get through the grief were here

i no how hard this must be for you but i think in the long run-you are doing the right thing.

its tough but you can walk away with your head held high. you did nothing wrong. and you will find someone else as honest and decent as you who wont hurt you.

but be alone for now and take whatever time you need to heal. you will no when ur ready to meet someone else