Hopefully u read through all of this it would be of great help to get some opinion, wont take more than 5 mins to read...
So heres the thing about me, regardless of some of the help or opinions that i have requested here before, let me put this out infront here..
I've always had a nice opinion on my self, ive always looked nice in pictures with good lighting, and i know that when i look at my self in a mirror i look better under certain lighting, and under certain facial expressions and angles but yesterday i noticed something and i accept it.
Theres a reason sometimes i refuse to take pictures at all, or pretend that the light in a mirror is having a gruesome effect, and even refuse to take pictures with flash, and that is because unless i am smiling under a good light, i myself think i dont look so good, and yesterday when i finally accepted this thing which ive had in the back of my head, my world crashed down for about 10 mins and then i got up from it.
I got a mirror and made a million facial expressions under various lighting and im lucky overall to be even a 5 out of 10 in looks..a big difference from the self delusion i suppose...
Ive always believed myself to be a very nice and healthy person, i try to always be aware of that around me and thats why i think i live a very nice life and im a happy person in that i am not sad or negative but this is the one thing that gets to me.
Ive always been aware that i tend to delusion myself in a way by looking at my self in various ways but this is it.. i take it easily but then i say, considering that i am introverted and like staying alone, what really hurts is that when i look at pictures and video of my self when i was a kid (8-10) year old pictures, i look so nice, skinny, and my face had such a beautiful chemistry, yet I NEVER thought about my looks and i was so happy, and now that I'm here in the present i feel like im looking at a deceased creature that has lost everything, ive suffered hairloss albeit it hasnt reach the male pattern baldness look, ive got thick thighs, not as much of a nice compact body, and when i put my self in any type of light it looks like i dont even have cheekbones!, and i look so distressing compared to these pictures... heres a comparison..
i feel like today i feel like joaquin phoenix, the left being his best and the right being his worst, thats how i feel and i wonder, how can this happen despite me being the same person?! im not even all too fat, im not fat but it looks like ive got fat concentrated some places and i look like a retard when i dont smile!
So i feel like im not the same guy and i never will be, i feel like i was once a prince with a perfect life, and now i feel like a lonely helpless creature...and i can live with it but i want to aspire for more...it saddens me.
the second problem is that, ya i know that i can lose weight and have a roger federer like body, and a bit of a more contour face due to weight loss
and that maybe with a nice body, clothes, and attitude, maybe that could make up for the MEH face which could get better but even then i might look in the mirror someday even if im that skinny, or as skinny as i once way as realize my face might still be ****ed up..
So what gets to me is that when i see happy people that im close to, or even anyone socializing and having fun i think of my self as not being able to even though in my day i was the king..i used to get so many compliments about my eyes, and i was so popular simply because of the way i looked, now i look like garbage and what saddens me is that, i have a very nice friend for example, she is so "real" and caring and such a stand up person, so open minded and civil, but when i look at some of her other friends and then at my self i say, i dont stand a chance, a i might never will, and the thought of missing out on such a beautiful girl and on so many things i find i had at one time is distraught as i feel inferior to these punks who manage to look beautiful and do whatever i want, i could just imagine my self in a picture with that pretty girl and i would look like trash!
You might say, well define what matters to you, change your perspective on beauty, dont worry about it, a true relationship doesnt focus on looks, a good girl would never tell u to go fck ur self because of your looks, but i know this and i just want one type of life and that is the life i used to have years ago where i could take a million pictures, laughing, talking, smiling,crying, and look BEAUTIFUL!!
i want to be pretty but i just feel i might not be so...so i plan to go on a diet so that when i look in the mirror i finally have the federer skinny body i once had, and even if my hair looks horrible, ill shave it off if i have to, but the worry is that i have ONE goal, and that is to be what i once was, and i want simply nothing else..
Either that, or isolate my self and do everything i love, by my self and without others.
Bottom line is that for me id rather either be what i was or "die" in that sense..
any tips or suggestions?