What the heck....a break??

[srami83]

I'm 29 and he's 35. Been dating 2.5 yrs. Talked kids and marriage. We've had a fee big arguments. He's a very quiet person. Bottles his feelings inside until they explode...i wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm upfront with my feelings. anyways things were great or so I thought. We had a routine down since we live an hour a part. He doesn't have too many friends, and isn't very social. Doesn't like parties, bars or clubs. He enjoys sitting at home reading sports watching Netflix and hitting the gym. Im pretty outgoing. I enjoy working out and visitiv friends and family. I'm not into bars or clubs but I wouldn't mind gong occasionally with friends. This is my 3rd serious relationship. This is his 1st.

We got into another argument and it didn't feel right. He was distant all day theb told me he wasn't coming over and I shouldnt come up. After 5 days I finally hit him up and ask him what's going on. He tells.me its not going to work out for him. I'm too controlling and he believes that's who I am...its my personality and I won't be able.to change it. Ok I'm distraught upset wanting to work things out cuz I love him and I figure that this is it we need to work through our problems. When u asked him if he thought it was worth the effort to work it out he said no...that he would have one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.....that he would just be wating for me to show control issues again and that would be it for him. Devistated...so I'm trying to come to terms....getting everything I wanted to way out....after talking for 1.5-2 hrs he brings up the notion of a "break".

We've never dealt with a break before. He said he knows he loves me.and there's a possibility if we can get through our own problems. I shared with him what I thought about his lack of.communication which I think is equally responsible for this situation. Anyways now its just a waiting game. My instinct is to reach out because its what I know and what I was use to, but I know this is his decision and I can't force him to "see the light" lol. I want to be strong about this and it seems like I can't tell my story enough. No amount of talking is comforting it appears! Gosh. We have spoke once since the talk of the break. It was initiated by him and he was just seeing how my weekend was and how his was. He shared with me that it felt weird not having me around and at times he was lonely. I know that this would be normal for anyone...and I also know that the true test is in 3-4 weeks when I'm still not around. Were starting week 3 of no seeing and day 2 of NC. I think I need to to full NC, but there's so many things I feel haven't been addressed.GA...gah!! Excuses I know :/

Why is love such a pain in the butt sometimes!! I'm not sorry for the vent....and I really appreciate those who read the whole thing.

Any thoughts?

[Boisdevie]

One of the secrets to a good long term relationship is good communication. And how can you possibly do that if you're not seeing each other? It's also irrelevant how long you've been together - there's no golden rule that says just because you've been together x years it's sure to work.
Finally, I'd be very concerned that a 35 year old man hasn't had any serious relationships before you. Something smells funny about that.

[Wakeup]

I don't know what to tell you, srami except to do what you probably won't do (but would be the best thing for your own emotional health) but to break up with him outright. Tell him he was right and that he'll never change his wanting to not be accountable to anyone (35 and never in a longterm relationship? How many women has he had sex with though) and you're not going to change your need to change him so its best you just go zero contact so you can heal and find someone that want's (unlike him) a life partner.

This "break" crap is just going to keep you in hope and in anxiety. Pfffft. He's not meant to be your life partner. Don't let him keep you mired in this limbo for any longer then need be.

[srami83]

One of the secrets to a good long term relationship is good communication. And how can you possibly do that if you're not seeing each other? It's also irrelevant how long you've been together - there's no golden rule that says just because you've been together x years it's sure to work.
Finally, I'd be very concerned that a 35 year old man hasn't had any serious relationships before you. Something smells funny about that.

Thanks Boisdevie for replying. Maybe mine and his definitions are different for what is considered serious. I am the only girl he has ever brought home to mom if that matters. I absolutely agree that commuication is very important, which is another reason I'm so conflicted... If he's not willing to talk I can't make him. Just more food for thought when thinking about if we could work it out...

[smackie9]

If this is your third relationship you should know by now about incompatability. The honeymoon period is over and he sees what kind of personality you have, and it's not jiving with his....and with his lack of experience this is confusing for him because his head is fighting with his heart. Looking at his age, lack of experience and the way this relationship has truned out, I bet he is wondering what else is out there for him. You make him feel too uneasy, and he is weary about spending a life time with someone that makes him feel this way.

[srami83]

He said he doesn't know if what he's feeling is natural or not since he doesn't have any other LTR to gauge against. I can't help that..he will have to go figure that out on his own. It hurts to say that and even harder to accept. I guess it doesn't matter how compatible I thought we were he doesn't feel the same.

[basilandthyme]

so, question is: are you going to wait around for a guy who doesn't even know if he wants you? I hope not - it would leave you feeling like you have no control in your life.