Coworker Frustration, and Advice!

[JWet141]

I have a coworker that I don't really like very much. She and I are very different, and she likes to have her own way. She doesn't seem to want to step into someone else's shoes and realize that just because she doesn't understand something doesn't mean it is wrong. For example, I rarely make phone calls when others are in the room with me. I do that in private, or when others are away from our office. This is me - but others are okay with it. It isn't a big deal, just a preference. So when I give presentations, I ask that she shut the blinds adjoining our office/room - they are technically in her office - and she feels like this is unreasonable. I already feel nervous when giving a presentation, to have her staring out at me makes me additionally nervous. It is a small thing to ask (in my mind), and she feels it is unreasonable. Those are the types of things that make me dislike her - she isn't flexible, or willing to say "I don't get it, but I do it". She does, but will tell me how ridiculous it is whenever she can. And every time, I have to ask her.

Lately tension has been getting higher as there have been some shifts at work and she is becoming the "go-to" person for a new project at work. We are both working on the same things, but she is more "visible" and "out there" with her knowledge than I am (I don't walk around like I know it all, because we are all new to this project and what we are learning about) - but she makes little comments that come across as rubbing in the fact that she is the "go-to" person. Her comments are very vague - letting myself and other colleagues know she has inside knowledge but without details, or adding unnecessary "fun facts" in her communication to me ... like that a superior asked her directly for help on something that I was right across the hall to help with if he had bothered to ask.

Our company hired a project manager to lead us and he did not work out very well. There was a lot of negativity from my co-worker, and a few others, that I didn't want to be a part of. I wasn't impressed with this person, but I did not work with him as closely and was not willing to rip him apart so easily. He was new to our company, and was trying to lead a new project and get people who were not on board positive about this project, plus he had to learn his job and the ways of the company. My co-worker and I along with a few others were "tapped" to "help" with this project and she and I were both excited and concerned, but my co-worker became more involved than I because the majority of the work was being done within her department while my department was slow to move forward. Because our manager was so awful, my co-worker began to encourage me to attend meetings to keep informed. I attended when I was able, when they were not "invite only" meetings. My co-worker also applied for this position, and when this guy wasn't working out, she became very active in "positioning" herself to look a certain way in contrast to our new manager and has emerged as the new "self-appointed" project manager - or at least that is the appearance, because she is involved in all aspects of this project.

I am not upset that she is involved, or more involved than I. I noticed that after the project manager was removed, she became less willing to "collaborate" with me. We had met a couple times to go over things and then that stopped, and she focused on being the person to volunteer for everything in addition to her full-time job. I started to feel frustrated because I wasn't aware of what was going on, and the project had a huge impact on me and I wanted to hear what was going on. No one really told me, so I sought out the supervisor who initially "tapped" us and told her my concerns especially in regards to my coworker. She told me I was viewed highly by one of the heads of the company, but I hesitate to believe that because it didn't get me more involved in the project. I went a little awhile and then mentioned yet again, I was having problems with a lack of communication (something I had been told I struggled with before). She agreed my co-worker was positioning herself for this open project manager position, and that she had had run-ins with my co-worker as well. I vented a little, then told her I felt stuck that I couldn't be more involved, that my department wasn't willing to move, and she gave me a couple other new projects to work on I was grateful for. She also encouraged me to go with my gut, that my coworker was deliberately excluding me from information that I could have been part of and had been more aware of before our project manager was no longer in the picture.

Anyway, I communicated something to my coworker a few days ago that I knew would step on her toes. My colleagues were fine with it, she was the only one to question it. She and I had had little tiffs lately and I blew up - I included my supervisor and department head in on the initial communication, and she added more to the reply, and I let my supervisors know that I had contacted her twice to work on some assignments we should have worked on together, and she declined because she was too involved in her work on this project. She blasted me the next day saying I embarrassed her by including the additional supervisor and department head - but, as I went home, I thought to myself ... if I was wrong to blast her, which I probably was, it doesn't mean she should be embarrassed. I should be. But I didn't say anything untrue. I stated that I had asked to work with her on making some decisions, and she didn't have time, so I was only letting them know I was willing to talk through things whenever she was ready to do so ... and that I had made attempts to do so. Last year I had an issue with a coworker because I was depressed, and I was not ready to deal with more drama because I was barely keeping my head above water ... so I knew I could be seen as the problem. But I was not - I asked her to work with me, and she said no. Was I wrong to let my supervisor know (and they were already aware) that I had made attempts to contact her and she declined? Then, a part of me wonders if my supervisor who told me to keep moving forward because my co-worker was completely out of control was only trying to egg me on because she had also had issues with my co-worker? She doesn't have the ability to hire or fire, but she is influential enough that she knows all that is going on...including the issues I had last year when I was depressed. I don't really know what to make of the situation, and all I can remember from my what coworker said when she blasted me was that she had a spouse to vent her frustration at, and I took it out on her ... doesn't that imply something about the fact that I'm single and she isn't? It's so ridiculous, but yet she believes my talking to her in the way I did was worse than her not doing her job when I asked her to meet with me.

[smackie9]

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