Not Allowed to Be Friends

[Asia45]

Okay, I'm not actually in the romantic relationship. My friend is, so my problem is more platonic, but does involve their relationship. But it's kind of a weird situation. And this might be rather long, because I'm verbose, so I apologize. But for those of you who will put up with reading this, thank you!

So, I recently graduated from college, and I'm 21 years old. I worked in the Peer Tutoring Center at my school for the last two years, but I became acquainted with the IT Guy (he's 31, and I'll just refer to him as IT Guy) who worked next door to me, a little over 6 months ago.

We get along pretty well, and have a ton in common, so I've told him that we're pretty much twins. He's done various computer things for me (that he really wasn't supposed to, working for the school and all), and I've tried to be a good friend to him with gifts and whatnot. But I was never really sure whether we were friends or not. Sometimes he'd be receptive to my initiating contact, but then there'd be periods where he barely acknowledged my existence.

I will admit now, that I did have a strong infatuation with him before, but I've grown to look up to him more in a brotherly way, and he reminds me a lot of my dad. But things got weird when I inquired about his Facebook. At first, he claimed he didn’t have one, but then admitted he does and just hides it so that the teachers don’t add him and bother him.

Eventually, I asked to be Facebook friends with him. And he agreed at first, but it never happened. He eventually said it was school policy that he couldn’t be friends with students.

We communicated in person and occasionally through e-mail. And after I graduated, he asked what my personal e-mail was, because he had my school one. But he didn’t want my phone number because his girlfriend (who works next door to him on the other side) wouldn’t be happy about it, so we would just continue e-mailing. I thought it was lame, because most of my friends are guys, but I left it alone.

But he still wouldn’t add me on Facebook, and when I asked about it this time, he said that “she would kill [him].” I thought it was kind of ridiculous, since Facebook is such a whatever thing, and I have lots of friends on it. But once again, I left it alone.

We both like South Park, and my friend and I have tickets to see The Book of Mormon, but my friend wasn’t sure if they could still go. I had asked IT Guy if he would want to come, figuring he would say no. But he said he might be able to. Then my friend officially couldn’t go, but I didn’t ask IT Guy again about it, because I just figured he wouldn’t be allowed to. But I happened to bring it up again today, and he said if he went, it’d have to be a covert operation.

I just feel weird about having to do it in secret. It makes it seem like we’re doing something terribly wrong, but we’re just gonna see an awesome musical, haha. Even the e-mailing and IMing seems so secretive. And his girlfriend could even keep an eye on us on Facebook if she's so concerned. I have nothing to hide. I'd be willing to be friends with her, too, just in general. I think we have stuff in common, and we'd get along.

So, does this kind of behavior seem weird to anyone? I know they’ve been together for 4 or 5 years now, so he must really care for her. And she obviously cares for him to be so concerned about his life with other people, but it just seems to be a bit much. I really like him a lot, and I think we could be really great friends if we were allowed to.

I have plenty of friends in relationships, even engaged and married, and we’re still able to hang out. And one of my best friends here is male and almost 33. And I do understand where IT Guy's girlfriend is coming from. I am also a jealous person, but I just feel like there should be some kind of limit. It seems a little controlling. And it just makes me really sad that we’ll never get to be real friends.

[HeartIsAching]

No, doesn't seem weird. He's not interested, he has a (at least semi) jealous GF, and you're not in school anymore.

[searock]

I agree - even if I'm amongst the few on this forum who believe in male-female friendships (and I have several male friends), what you have with him isn't "friendship". Here are the reasons:

1) It started off with you being infatuated with him (even if you say you aren't anymore - there was/is physical attraction and that's all it takes for it to NOT be "just friendship");

2) He feels uncomfortable seeing you because he believes it to be something inappropriate (if you were truly JUST friends it wouldn't be a problem at all, jealous girlfriend or not);

3) You have to do things "in secret"... friends don't do things in secret, regardless of how jealous the partners are.

I suggest you step away from this situation and respect his own relationship boundaries - even if they are different from yours (which they are). If you want to continue seeing him, demand that he lets you meet his girlfriend so that you can ask her directly if she's OK with you two being "friends" (but you already know the answer to that).

[toknow]

I don't think it would be proper for him to go out with you if he has a girlfriend. There is one good rule in relationships: If it doesn't look right, don't do it. For example if he goes out with you, most people who see him with you will think, YOU are his girlfriend. I'm not going to tell you not to do it, because you will anyway and because once you want to do something, whether you do it or not, doesn't really matter anymore because it's as good as done.

To most guys what you are doing should be leading all the way to the end. Most guys don't have friend girls, just to spend time with them. If they spend time with a girl they have a purpose for it whether they realize it or not. And that purpose is to accomplish something. Meaning there has to be a result to what they are doing. It's rare, but there are guys who just like to spend time with a girl, just because it's fun, but that's the minority.

But, I'm sure he is definitely very flattered that a girl in her prime, chose an over the hill man when she has such a broad selection of guys in their prime. If nothing else I think he would definitely appreciate you for seeing that in him. How old is his girlfriend? If she is his age she most likely will feel very threatened by you.

[searock]

How old is his girlfriend? If she is his age she most likely will feel very threatened by you.

I don't think I'll feel threatened by a little girl of 21 when I'm 31 years old...

[toknow]

I don't think I'll feel threatened by a little girl of 21 when I'm 31 years old...

If you are smart, you will.

[searock]

If you are smart, you will.

I don't see any reason for which I should. At 21 pretty much everyone is still immature and childish (I'm 23 so it's not like I'm being bitter or patronizing), she would have nothing on me.

[michelle23]

You are crossing a line here. You want to go to a musical with him do you? That is something most men would only do with their girlfriend. You should not want to spend one on one alone time with him, you should not be emailing him and you should not text him or private mail him on FB. He has a girlfriend. You need to respect that and back off.

If you went on a double date-that would be appropriate or if there was a bunch of you going for lunch etc... Not the two of you going for lunch alone! And lets be honest here-you dont just want to be his "friend" do you?

Go and find your own man and leave this one alone.

[Wakeup]

OP: Heartisaching and Searock have summed it up precisely. If you have "plenty of friends in relationships" and the gf's dont mind you going out one-on-on with their partners, then pick one of those men to go out with. You're TRYING to cross a very fundemental relationship boundary which is disrespectful of you, which you should understand without the need to start a thread about.

[ashley89]

and I've tried to be a good friend to him with gifts and whatnot.

why are you giving a guy who isn't your boyfriend and who is in a relationship gifts???

[Asia45]

I give gifts to a lot of friends, it's just kind of what I do, lol. And most of my friends just happen to be guys (even my roommates are guys). So, I disagree with the idea of not being able to have opposite-gender friends once in a relationship, because I wouldn't want to give up my guy friends, or be prevented from making new ones. So, it was just hard for me to understand someone who (maybe somewhat reluctantly) abides by these rules.

And I'm not the type of person who would steal someone's boyfriend. I really don't even date. And I can't compete with his girlfriend (she's much more well-endowed, haha, so she really has no reason to be jealous). I did start looking up to him more as a brother though, since we had so much in common and got along well, so he became important to me. But it was pretty apparent that I cared more about him than he did me. So, even though I really would have wanted to become real friends with him, I did decide to cease contact with him. It saddens me, because I think we could have been good friends, and I hate losing friends when they fade away or whatnot. But c'est la vie, these things happen, lol.

[searock]

I did decide to cease contact with him.

Good .

[coconutz]

hmmm, you are acting like the kind of girl that everybody hates.
they do things they know its wrong and act like they are innocent.

you know he is not single you know you like him in a wrong way you know you are not allowed to have private relationship with staff you know he is not interested you know , so why do you keep doing stuff invite him to stuff?
what do you want ? for his gf to come out and beat you up for you to know your place?

the fact that you do all of this in secret and go out with hi while his gf dont even know you or what you are doing is wriong..
and also with your friends you need to know your place,
if they have gf's you need to step back and meet the couple and not meet only the guy friend.

i think you need to find a guy that is single and make him your bf.
cause you sound like a girl that like to hang with people bf.
get yourself your own men and go hang with him stop hanging with peoples bf.
they have no time for you. they have their own gf to hang with.

[coconutz]

You are crossing a line here. You want to go to a musical with him do you? That is something most men would only do with their girlfriend. You should not want to spend one on one alone time with him, you should not be emailing him and you should not text him or private mail him on FB. He has a girlfriend. You need to respect that and back off.

If you went on a double date-that would be appropriate or if there was a bunch of you going for lunch etc... Not the two of you going for lunch alone! And lets be honest here-you dont just want to be his "friend" do you?

Go and find your own man and leave this one alone.

well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gotnando]

Michelle said it nicely. Way to go, girl.