Let me start by telling you my story very sorry that its long.
Me and my ex boyfriend had been together for over 3 years and happily for the most part. Things were becoming tough but this was propably down to the fact we live 1 hour away from each other and work commitments meant we only saw each other on weekends. However, when we did see each other there was no effort involved as we had become too comfortable with each other. In November last year he said and made comments which not only made me very jealous caused me to become upset and so I ended the relationship.
After a week he contacted me and we started talking again hoping to work things out. We both made mistakes in the relationship (nothing like cheating as that is a big no no) but for some reason he then became very focused on a mistake of mine I had made nearly 2 years previous whilst we were on a break anyway. This caused him to cut off everything without explanation and said we could never 'communicate' again; He didn't speak to me only sent me this by text.
I proceeded to give him a couple of weeks space thinking he would be willing to talk, he wasn't and after a month of trying I eventually gave up. Its now been 4 months since I broke up with him, 3 months since he spoke to me and 2 and half months since I tried.
I understand he was hurt by what I did, I was hurt by what he had done but we came through it stronger so I don't understand why he has to be like this when it is well and truely in the past. Surely I deserve a bit more after all these years? I'm finding things very hard because throughout the relationship it was just me and him, I don't have many friends so he was my rock and my life as were going to move in together in the summer. I was invested for the long term.
I'm not really into going out and partying and finding someone as this doesn't interest me, I don't really have time to find a new hobby either so I just feel a bit trapped like I'm not moving anywhere because even when I feel strong and ok I go back to square 2 and am hurt again and again.
Alot is going on at the moment with personal circumstances and I feel he is the only one ever to even understand me a little bit and so I am gravitating towards trying to contact him again. I don't want to be in a relationship with him again but its a weight on my shoulders and although I love him I am willing to let him go. I want to be satisfied with the way things ended and at the moment they ended very bad but if we rectified this I am thinking it will help me begin to move on slowly.
I know he doesn't love me and this hurts but I can cope with this, I feel I've lost my whole life and so by being civil with him I hope I can gain control of my life again. I don't want to sound desperate or push him away altogether but its got to the point where I don't know what to do and its affecting me.
Should I attempt to contact him or should I wait until he contacts if he ever does? What should I do in the meantime?
All help and advice is greatly appreciated, many thanks.