Breaking up over Sex

[HDI]

Hello,

This is difficult for me to write as this is something so personal to me so hopefully I don't rant or get too unclear. So, I will try and keep things to short concise sentences, I don't want you gals to think there is no emotion behind what I am saying.

EDIT: I am so sorry, but this turned out to be a long post haha TLDR at the end.

A met a woman nearly 3 years ago. We became friends to good friends to best friends. She was with someone for a couple of years, her first lover. He was essentially a very bad person. He treated her badly, turned arguments against her by using her deceased younger brother. "Swear on his life", that sort of thing. I only mention it because of the severity of how bad this man was. Sadly, she was brain washed as she has said herself. She has had rough aspects to her life as you can imagine and he was the only thing she knew to make her happy, which she was with him for a while.

I come along and we become best of friends in no time. Very close, confiding in eachother, winding eachother up, being absolute best friends. As her relationship gets worse with the boy friend, she realises she has feelings for me. I had feelings for her for the 2 years previous. She realises she wants to be with me, indicates that we will be together then pulls back and get with the fella, breaking my heart but we stayed best of friends as I understood what was wrong with her. So, she had a yo yo effect going on with this fella.

She eventually leaves him for good. Months later she "re"realises her feelings for me, we move really slowly as we are best friends and want to tread with care. We finally got together last Summer but just before I move away for a year for University, which was her trigger to realise her feelings and fall for me.

We are soulmates at this point. Her friends tell her that I am the only one that they have ever seen make her laugh the way she does. Her parents love me and tell her that they could see me as a son in law. She is over the mood in love with me as I was with her. I am sure when you tell people about your soulmates or the person you felt the closest to that "you cant imagine how close we were" or something to that extent and that is the type of thing we had.

After I moved away for university, she was extremely sad and was missing me a lot so I surprise her by flying over to see her and she flipped out, saying that it was too much and that she wanted us to just be friends. She was acting unreasonable too which meant that I didnt actually want to go see her. When she visits me a few weeks later, all that came down and we shared a bed in our arms and were back where we were before she reacted badly. Since then, whenever we saw eachother we were being physical. Not intercourse but everything else. We were sending raunchy messages to eachother too.

Last month was about 4 or 5 months since we first got together. The night before we had sex, she thought I was coming to see her after being away for about 2 months but then she realised that I actually never said I was, because I couldn't at the time. She realised just as she had been getting her place ready for me, cleaning etc. She said that she just got it stuck in her head that I was coming to see her, and she was really sad over it. So, I surprise her later that day. It is about a 2 to 3 hour journey between us so it was a reasonably big deal to see her in the context that was in it.

The next morning, she was really up for having sex and to be honest, where I felt that we were in the right place, that morning I don't think I was ready. Took me by surprise and I was always going to be nervous and self conscious. I was feeling better the night before but she was tired and I guess I was tired and groggy when we woke up and we stared fooling around.

So, bad sex happens, I am not the greatest. I am good at the oral and finger side of things without getting too graphic but for the actual intercourse, I was nervous, inexperienced and I am not the most well endowed person with a length of around 5 to 5 and a half inches. I had a lot going against me. She lied to me, to save my feelings by saying her hip was sore, something she had all her life and told me stories of how it affected her. I believed her, I didnt cop on to how bad the sex was till later that day, before she broke up with me. In this context of ignorance I asked for a blowjob because I was always very prudish about saying these types of things in person, where I could say it over text. Something which she said I should try and adjust because its always fun to be able to talk about it. Anyway, she really took offense to that and attacked me over it over text a week after she broke up with me. She still did it but she said that I had used her and degraded her. When I realised the actual context I apologised so much and made it so clear that I didnt realise.

She breaks up with me that evening saying everything was wrong. I try to fight for us, saying the things I said here and that it was something we could work on. She said it didnt matter. Everything was wrong. I thought that maybe she just didnt feel a click or a spark but she then questioned whether I was a virgin and she was hostile towards me when we talked about it. I had told her my experience before, and I remember as it takes a lot for me to tell a person that (besides strangers on the internet :p). She told me she never loved me.

I am in utter limbo or turmoil or, just confusion.

I loved her with all my heart. I would do and did everything for her, and we were so close. So perfect. But now it is over only because of that morning and I do not know why we had to finish over something that at the end of the day is just experience and me being nervous and self conscious at this sex that came of as a kind of surprise.

This happened in January and I made a big effort to go see her this week in a production she starred in and later that night I saw her chatting up another guy.

I don't know how this could of happened and the main thing is for me, when I do feel like I hate her I wonder how I can ever get close to someone knowing that my soul mate would dump me over being bad in bed. And when I feel like I still love her, I wonder how could I ever forgive what she has done to let us to get close again.

I am more likely to do the latter but I doubt that will ever happen.

That is that for the post. Where I was able to find a humour to be able to tell you all this I am beginning to feel low now and, in that mood I guess this post would become an even bigger mess then it is.

I do appreciate any advice you can give me. I have moved away from home to do a very intense university course for 12 months, no breaks in between semesters. I am lonely. Our relationship was a reason to go on and do it. I am in ruins at the moment, facing serious problems to getting the qualification I felt I deserved before the breakup. If I can let this ruin it, then I do not deserve a good result but I hope you understand what I mean.

TLDR version:
Best friends with a woman
We get together after a year of toing and froing.
We are soulmates, best friends. Lovers.
She knows I had sex only twice before.
We have sex for the first time, I am inexperienced and nervous.
She spares my feelings by saying she had a sore hip so we stopped having sex, believing her I asked for a oral and she gave it.
She breaks up with me that evening, questioning if I was a virgin.
She attacks me about asking for oral the next week. Once I realise that she was sparing my feelings with the sore hip, I unreservedly apologise about that.
Our friendship lays in ruins.
I am going from anger to depression, if my soulmate can leave me over this then how can I ever get close to a woman again. I understand the oral thing but I thought it was a pure mistake.

So many thanks to you all for reading all of this. You are very good people to give your time to a forum like this.

[misombra]

fatal error. you asked her for a blowjob.

listen. when a girl says i don't want to do it, put your pants back on and shut up. don't ask her for anything or get mad. because then you'll get dumped, just like this.

[Cerby]

why do people insist on using this word "soulmate" in a situation where they got dumped. Even if I did believe in the soulmate thing, I would assume such a bond couldn't be broken over such trivial matters.

[HeartIsAching]

Soulmates don't fail. If your relationship fails, you WEREN'T SOUL-MATES. You just thought you were.

Frankly, you both sound a little messed up to me. She's damaged goods man - she needs therapy.

And you... why do you assume that she's using her sore hip as an excuse? Why couldn't that just be the truth? Your insecurity is glaringly obvious.

[dvmena]

well that is a fatal error that i made my self but i don't give up. the whole hip thing is just to cover her feelings i guess.

any way you deserve a proper response, best from her, no that is not me, i know how delicate this is
see i didn't have the sexy time at all with a girl i know and to day i could be seeing her. by stocking. yep , that is my situation, if you want to read my thread i planned it was this.
1: she knows I am coming because she told me that this was going to happen
She said it was for her friends and that she doesn’t like them but she is trying to make it up to them.
She really should make it up to me, they made a deal with her that they will help her get rid of me if she gives them my code. Now they all know how to make websites.
This was how she handled it with no regard to the outcome of my situation; she probably thought I wouldn’t know about it.
I went on to asking her a lot of questions in this matter and offered her yet another website that she could control the content without me helping, this is done, with room to develop on video types and payments procedures.forum
Another thing that can be thrown around is the fact that I want to marry her. And I bought a ring, and posted it on facebook.
No comment/response what so ever….. (I don’t want to have contact with you, I am serious)
These are the last words I heard from her,(saw on skype)

I have a ticket for tonight to an event that she invited her friends too. If the plans have not changed she should be there. Unfortunately, as she said I wouldn’t have any money and that I don’t know how ****ed it will be when I show up.
When she says something bad is going to happen it happens.
So she thinks I am ugly, stupid, useless bustard that will never amount anything and will always blow everything.
So long I have been trying to get with her, years….
It got worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. And worse.
If I want to be her lover I got to get with her friends.
She said it depends what I would do and that I will be doing something, at least standing alone.


p.s the registration here was annoying and i knew it would be.

as to giving you personal advice, a safe on would be leave her alone, they always ask that, and how would i have the answer?
we need to stop being nerds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! fatal error that!

[HDI]

Howdy,

Thanks for the replies. On the hip front, especially toeards HeartIsBreaking, she told me well after that it was a lie to save my feelings. After she said that then I asked for the BJ thinking it was just a sore hip that was bothering her but of course, given the actual context which I was told then and with hindsight it was the totally wrong thing to do.

On the soulmate front, its happened too recently to throw away that term. I'd have to say we are or more increasingly thought we were were, indeed shortly down the line then I could share your pessimism on the term.

I do agree she is damaged and that had an impact on it. Which is unfortunate.

Thanks all