Worse that I looked at his mail or that he is on an escorting site?

[hp1990]

Recently my OH was cycling home from mine in the dark. He had no lights, no helmet, and was dressed all in black. It was extremely windy outside and obviously I was worried. HE promised he'd call when he got in, but he never did. I hardly slept all night, I tend to worry about stupid things anyway, so I sent him an email reminding him to call me. I also text his mum as he is staying there until we move away together in September. The next morning when I turned my laptop on and saw he was logged into his google mail, so instinctively I looked on his email to see if he had read the message I sent him. I have NEVER looked at his email before as there was never a need for it.

He has recently been very lax in applying for jobs, so I was alarmed by all the notifications of new jobs from the NHS that had been sent to him. I scrolled down, and was pretty shocked to see the website 'adultwork' in his email. Usually I would have just presumed it was something to do with his job, but my ex boyfriend was on it once and used it to have cybersex with girls (that ended badly).

I do and I don't feel bad for looking at his mail, I mean, he should've called like he promised, and he should have been applying for jobs. It effects me too! We are moving together, I can't afford to pay the rent by myself!!

So anyway, this adult work site, turns out he has been paying for access to girls profiles, girls that are in his area. That majorly rang alarm bells! He has a thing for redheads, and they all happen to be redheads. I'm mixed race and brunette so you can imagine how that makes me feel.

What should I do? I am so worried that the issue of me looking at his mail will be made to seem worse than the fact that he is on an escorting website. Is it bad I looked at his mail?

What would you do? I'm so upset that he's looking at girls in his area. Stuck here guys!

[Pixie01]

The worst of two evils.... Well I have read my ex's emails when we were together and my reason was that he had lied to me alot and after one of the bigger lies that I found out on facebook, I did read his emails to see what else he was keeping from me. I was glad I did as I found out more things that he was keeping from me, and our relationship ended soon after. What I did, and what I suggest you do, is to be honest. I went to him and I said that I know that he lies to me, but I am not that person and so I need to tell him what I did. And than confront him with what you saw.

Reading the emails is wrong. But if that is the means to finding out that your guy is lying to you and hiding things that could end the relationship, than who cares what you did. At least you know now to get out.

So to answer your question. Is it worse to read his emails for him to be looking sexually at women that he may cheat on you with, and paying for this service? Is it wrong to have read his emails or worse for him to complain about not having a job while not telling you that he has many openings that were given to him? What you did was wrong, but these things he is doing is worse. Don't move in with this guy!

[Ann S]

I hope you move on!!!! This guy isn't committed to your relationship if he is out all night without calling, and searching for available women on line. While it is not the best thing to be snoopy, you were, and you found out what you wanted to know. Do you tend to take on blame for other people's shortcomings? By this I mean, you seem focused on your looking at his email. This should pale in comparison to what he has been doing. When someone isn't faithful, perhaps prostituting?, time to know, "He's just not that into you." And you seem like a woman with integrity, so find a mate who also has it! Good luck - I know this won't be easy, but do you want to live your life tracking him down? When people show you who they are, believe them. Ann