Hello, I need some advice and to get this off of my chest.
Years ago when I was dating my husband in college, I told him many many things about my background that were not true. I grew up in a family that did not allow for a social life until I left for college. I didn't leave for college until my 4th year of school. When I met my husband at work at school I really liked him, he was very social and had a lot of friends. We didn't get together for almost a year and a half after we met. When we first got together I told him a bunch of things that were not true about myself, including things about past relationships and hook ups because I didn't have a past for the most part and couldn't relate in general to everyone else who did. My friends at the time (we were in our early 20s) were very worldly and had many experiences and I felt like I did not fit because of my lack of experiences so I made some things up to both my boyfriend (who became my hubby) and my friends. I also held back emotionally and did not really open up about my life or my family for a long time after we were together. I was very insecure and immature at the time and had a lot of angst about the way I was brought up.
Before we were married he was able to piece together on his own that most of what I told him was not true. The fact that I was not honest and that I held so many things back bothered my husband very much at the time but he was able to overcome them because he is a really good guy and because he truly loved me. However, I did have a boyfriend prior to him that lasted about 5 months or so. This relationship was the only one I've had before my husband. I had very, very strong feelings for this previous boyfriend but things didn't work out (obviously) because I believe that I held back much of my life and emotions from this guy in similar fashion and he dumped me. This relationship was both emotional and physical, he was my first love. Regrettably when I came clean to my husband about many of the lies and fabrications that I had made up years ago I was still not completely honest about this relationship and downplayed it to him at the time. Not because I necessarily wanted to hide it from him, but because I had caused him so much pain that I didn't want to hurt him any more. So my husband has thought for all of these years that he was my first love. He is my one true love but I did have strong feelings for this other guy. I don't have feelings for him now nor would I as I adore my husband.
Recently while discussion the past I made a subtle remark regarding our relationship that was slightly off base and my husband, who is extremely analytical, realized the slip up and we got into a discussion about the past. I then told my husband the truth about this past boyfriend and how there was a high level of emotional intimacy that had included some physical intimacy. My husband is very hurt by this both because I think I have shattered his image of our relationship and because of the lie that I told years ago that has lingered for all of these years. He says that this brings back haunting memories of having to deal with this stuff when we were dating and that he feels betrayed. I honestly don't blame him. I feel terrible for having lied yet again (even though a long time ago) and having this rear its ugly head so many years later when for the most part we have a very good marriage.
I want to stress that my husband was never the type to ask me questions about my past or be insecure, he was upset when we were younger because of the things that I made up.
Any advice on how to help my husband get over this or for us to deal with this? I know this is hurting my husband very badly, I can see it in his face and I hear it in his voice. I feel as though there is a distance between us. I am completely honest with him now as I believe he is with me, this is not the issue today. However I'm very worried that this has driven a wedge between us that will permanently damage our marriage and the worst part about it all is that it is my own fault. Any thoughts or advice are greatly appreciated.