He wants to "slow things down"...

[Courtneyleighhh]

My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. We live together. He's 21 and I'm 25. He's in school right now working towards his degree, while I already have my masters and am finishing up my internship as a therapist. So, we're in different parts of our lives right now. It's never really been an issue before...we just moved to a new city together and have always talked about "our" future, picking out our next apartment, long term plans and so on.

Last night, he told me that when this semester ends he'll be moving to another city. I asked if he wanted me to come with him and he said no. He told me we have moved way too fast, he feels like he's already married, and that's the last thing on his mind. He wants to "get his own life straight" before he can think about another person that way. He never really got to experience the 'college life' on his own; he moved straight out if his parents house in with me. He wants to keep the relationship going long-distance.

I can definitely see where he's coming from. We moved in together after only 4 months, he was only 19. He hasn't been happy ever since we moved to this city. We are strapped for cash (2 students trying to make ends meet on an internship salary), he has no friends here, and school and his job are both very stressful. I understand that he wants to make this change to a city where he knows people, living will be cheaper, and life will be less stressful. I just can't help but feel like he's pushing me away or we're taking a huge step backwards.

I realize that it would be extremely selfish of me to ask him to stay in a place he isn't happy, and even worse in a relationship where he is feeling pressured to rush into something he's not ready for. I've told him that he has my support and am giving him his space. I will stay here and he will leave at the end of the semester. We'll keep the relationship going and at the end of my internship talk about where to go from there. I'm feeling kinda lost right now - any thoughts on if this sounds like the beginning of the end? Or does he really just want to cool things down for a while?

[bearz]

Him moving away and not wanting you to come with him is pretty much a slap in the face to you. He says he wants to enjoy college life, you know what that means in terms of your relationship, right? - it will be pretty much non-existent. He wants to have fun, live his own life, date other girls, hook up with them, etc. Do you just want to watch all of this unfold? I doubt it.

In other words, he's letting you know that this is over and that he's not ready for a serious relationship.

[smackie9]

What's you gut telling you? I know what mine is telling me.......it's not looking good.

[Courtneyleighhh]

So maybe he does need his space, maybe we need to go on a break for these next 6 months or even a year. Maybe this could make our relationship stronger, ultimately?

[overanxious]

i lived with my ex for about a year and half(well she came back and forth between her hometown 5 hours away and here...she would bounce back and forth for weeks at a time...but we basically lived together).....finally she wanted to be there permanently and for me to come for her....so i did...but there was a transition period before that where we were long distance for about 6 months...and it killed us....I had previously quit drinking for the sake of our relationship....and of course when i was bored and lonely i went out twice and got drunk with some friends(it was really out of boredom and lonliness) and got caught in a lie.....things went downhill from there.....i moved there and that was always brought up whenever something wasnt going right.....about two months before we actually broke up we thought it might be over...and i said to her "we had it so good and then you just wanted to leave" and she said "i know its my fault i ruined us"......

if this happens you can almost guarantee it wont work or last...i doubt it makes anything stronger

[bearz]

So maybe he does need his space, maybe we need to go on a break for these next 6 months or even a year. Maybe this could make our relationship stronger, ultimately?

Do you know how absurd that idea sounds? I can understand where you're coming from, you think you are totally in love with this guy and hope that after 6-12 months he will come back to you like nothing ever happened and you will be the happiest couple ever. But unfortunately, that is not going to happen. If he really moves away from you, that means his heart is not with you either. He'll be finding someone else and move on, and so should you.

[Maple1714]

OP - Your BF is soooo young...21! He needs to go experience life not in a serious committed relationship. It sucks and break-ups are very hard, but he is being honest with you and that is a good thing. Do you ever think about dating other guys? For instance, a nice 30 year old with a career and some relationship experience under his belt? This break could be a good thing for you too. You can try and remain friends with your BF/ex BF....but that wont really work in the end. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but try and be realistic and honest with yourself too. Be open to a new beginning for you as well.

[Courtneyleighhh]

I'm just getting so many mixed signals from him. He is saying he wants me to move with him, but just live separately. I don't know if my internship will transfer, of it doesn't, he wants me to move when it finishes in 6 months.

I don't know. So confused.

[bearz]

It's ok to be confused, that's why you came here in the first place. But you shouldn't be changing your life around just because he wants to get away from your relationship. Stay put and keep living your life, no reason to chase after him, you will only hurt yourself. He wants to be free, let him.

[VerticalMoon]

It sounds like you have a fairly good plan. The only question I would make sure to ask him is if he can see himself wanting to go back to living together in the future. If he just needs to live on his own for a while to figure that out, that's one thing. If he wants to live on his own because living with you would never work for him, that's another. If it's the second one, I probably wouldn't bother continuing things. If it's the first and if he really loves you, then you can try out living apart. It's always hard when you have to take a step back in the relationship. But if it's meant to be, it will work out. Only time will tell. Good luck to you.

[Courtneyleighhh]

It's ok to be confused, that's why you came here in the first place. But you shouldn't be changing your life around just because he wants to get away from your relationship. Stay put and keep living your life, no reason to chase after him, you will only hurt yourself. He wants to be free, let him.

Thank you, I really appreciate the positive support.

[Kromat83]

I just got out of a long distance relationship, but it was on her terms.
I wanted to make it work, but accepted her decision after trying for 1 month away.

I managed to get over quite fast, and tell him that you respect his decision and move on.

If he wants his space and the faster you know it's over the better.

Maybe tell him that your moving on without him and that you'll find someone else, see how he reacts to it, if he's respectful of it, then at least you have some closer.

P.S. if you still want to see him in 6 months, let it happen naturally, see how your life goes without him, take opportunities to date others, and if your both still single when he is finished and you are ready for him, see how it'll work, but don't put your life on hold for something that isn't certain, have options in mind.

[Courtneyleighhh]

We've been talking about it, and it seems like he's starting to have second thoughts. He doesn't know yet if he he's going to move or not, he's worried about how I'm going to be on my own; if it's going to be hard for me he said he cares about me too much to just leave. He's also saying that if he does move, he's going to get a 6-month lease so that as soon as my internship is over I can join him.

I brought up us splitting up. I gave him an out, but he insists that isn't what he wants. He says he really needs this for himself. He feels too young to be in a "married" situation and needs some space to himself for a while. He wants to be in a city where he has friends isn't just waiting for me to get home from work all day every day, going crazy out of boredom (he goes to school and hits the gym, but other than that we don't know anyone in this city and I work about 55 hours a week).

I think he's torn.

[michelle23]

I think it is the beginning of the end and I don't think you should drag it out any further. Its all or nothing. You should tell him to go without you and end the relationship. He is not ready for something so serious and he obviously wants to be single especially since he mentioned the college life that he missed out on. Don't give him the choice. He is not as committed to you as you are to him and it cant work if your not on the same page. Hes having serious doubts and with long distance you risk him cheating on you and lying to you.

Let him go. Its not meant to be. He doesn't want to be tied down. If he did-he wouldn't care that it feels like your married. So what!

You have so much to look forward to. A really good career ahead of you. Don't let him hold you back or slow you down. If he changes his mind and decides he wants you-he can work to get you back. Dont make it easy for him to come back to you. He needs to see what life is like without you because he is having major doubts which is a bad sign so let him get on with it. You will be okay. This is his choice and theres no hard feelings. You can end on good terms and wish him a happy future.

[Split_interests]

He does sound torn. A hard situation for both of you, and I guess I'd recommend advising him to go to the other city without you. Right now he's unhappy where he is and feeling overly committed, for the relationship to ever work he'll need to get out of that. At that point it's up to you whether you think you can deal well with being in a long distance relationship with someone who will hold the relationship as less important then exploring his freedom. It might lead to less drama to have a break, or split during that six month time so he can get a feeling for being single and uncommitted and figure out for himself what he wants without the pressure of a relationship hanging over his head, and you can enjoy some single time too, rather than worrying over his decision process.