Any positive advice would be appreciate it.i'm desperate to save my marriage..

[bearz]

This whole situation should have been a no-brainer from the beginning... small apartment, three people living in it already... sorry mom and dad, you're staying at a hotel. None of this would have happened if everyone involved had some kind of common sense.

But this isn't the problem now, let's not argue about parents visiting. The OP wants to save her marriage because his family hates her guts right now.

[Wakeup]

But this isn't the problem now, let's not argue about parents visiting. The OP wants to save her marriage because his family hates her guts right now.

Sorry, but I'll debate whatever I want (if you don't like it then don't read it. What I debate is helpful to the OP. No offence but it's that simple) Thing is if the Op can't read between the lines (or the lines themselves for that matter on what went wrong and learn to apply it in the future then this type of thing will keep happening until they divorce from irreconcilable differences.

I told her what to do to fix this and that is to bite the bullet and apologize to her inlaws after working out a suitable solution that both her and her husband can be happy with so that they present a united front to his parents.

[Starnique]

Bearz? Or any man? Is it important to you for your GF or wife to be close or get along great with your mom? I ask because some men are hung to their mothers titts and their moms can have a huge influence over them. Im close to bf's mom and he and I had ALOT of issues and sometimes in the past we had disagreements but she knew her son and how he was so we always made up and we love each other. I think this whole thing started because of the wedding. When OP said what she said to her it created some sort of competition and everyone has a position so it shouldnt be that way.

[michelle23]

If my bf mother needed a place to stay I would say yes but only because we have room. I would say no if I lived in a 1 bed 1 bath apartment. But if I had a newborn baby I would be unhappy with it and I would ask her is there anywhere else she could stay. She could stay with us for a month and then somewhere else for a month etc.

Just because I dont have a child does not mean I cant give my opinion. it would be difficult to bond with your baby if you are constantly surrounded by others. Id want to stay in my pjs for the first month, sit by the fire with the baby and watch jeremy kyle. As well as doing all the other things that need to be done obviously and I would love family or friends to call whenever they want but I wouldnt want them to move in.

[Starnique]

I agree with Wake up in a sense. The OP did behave sort of petty. In a relationship people like to think that its just all about the two of them but I want my fam to be close to his fam. I guess because my mom, I love her but she is a trip sometimes, she all about herself and will let it be known, we can be out to eat and she will order her food and if the waiter interrupts her she will be like excuse you, no man interrupts me when im talking..issued, upfront, borderline rude. Suppose you had to deal with that .Im an only child to my mom So thats why I was so close to my BF mom because I like that family feel. Unless the mother is a complete nut, I would want her to like me. Once your in good with the mom, nothing or no one can take top that relationship if the mother genuinely likes you. FACT. I probably would have said babe, its tight in here, you sure their comfortable, you should have put them in a nice space but I wouldnt have went in there and said anything. They would have never known I had an issue unless we previously had a bad fall out or something extreme popped off.

[michelle23]

I think they need marriage counselling. They need to learn how to communicate and he has to stand up for her to his parents. If my bf mother started hating me all of a sudden and told him to dump me-he would tell her to back off. I know he would. But his mother is a reasonable woman and she would never do what the OPs inlaws are doing. Neither would my parents.

As far as there all concerned-as long as we are happy-they are happy and they dont interfere. They give us plenty of space but we are close to them all. We went bowling with his family at the weekend and to funderland with my family last night...

His parents sound like the problem to me.. and him for not communicating with his wife.

Also if I had a problem with my bf-Id talk to him about it and if we didnt agree on wedding plans-we would compromise. I would not run to his mother and ask for her help. The OP is wrong for that. Do not air your dirty washing in public and dont drag others into your relationship if you dont want them to interfere.

[Wakeup]

If my bf mother needed a place to stay I would say yes but only because we have room. I would say no if I lived in a 1 bed 1 bath apartment. But if I had a newborn baby I would be unhappy with it and I would ask her is there anywhere else she could stay. She could stay with us for a month and then somewhere else for a month etc.

I agree with this.. it's called a solution and it's called compromising and it's gotten away from the "my way or the highway" that all the players in this shit-storm attitudes.

Just because I dont have a child does not mean I cant give my opinion.

You can have an opinion but it weighs less if you are not of a culture that thinks totally different from you and if you've never had a child or went through the raising of an infant.

it would be difficult to bond with your baby if you are constantly surrounded by others.

Change that to "I think I would find it hard to bond with my baby" (under those circumstances) and I'd understand your point.

Id want to stay in my pjs for the first month, sit by the fire with the baby and watch jeremy kyle.

No, you wouldn't want to do that nor would your husband want you to do that either. You'll understand what I mean once you have your baby.

As well as doing all the other things that need to be done obviously and I would love family or friends to call whenever they want but I wouldnt want them to move in.

That's you and that's cool but there are other woman that would love for their mother to help out and do daycare for their kids as well. I have many Italian friends and everyone just loved their mother and MIL being there and caretaking for free while they worked and made enough money to buy their homes for cash. That is why I asked twice what op's hubby's background was.

[PradaChanel]

The OP is responsible for some of this too. Their situation isnt like yours Michelle. Im giving possible solutions for their situation. I have a feeling that at the start of the issue which was the wedding that had the OP had not allowed something so small as to that situation bothering her about something the mother did that she couldnt, this whole thing wouldnt even be happening. I feel that the mother in law would do anything for the OP if she helped with the wedding. OP started the competition. Not intentionally but she did it indirectly. I would be appreciative if I wanted my hubby or current BF to do something and he wouldnt but I talked to his mom and she got it done. That tells you, she cares about you.

She didnt have no business marching in their telling them they couldnt stay or whatever she said. There is a way to handle situations and they handled it wrong on both parts. The OP should apologize, take that initiative. The mom should too. They need to talk to each other because if they do Im sure they can get past this.

[PradaChanel]

OP should say, I apologize that I didnt appreciate what you did with the wedding. I wasnt upset with you but more so with him because at the time I felt like he didnt care what I wanted. I should have been thankful for what you did, I apologize. Etcetc....then she should say, I apologize about the visit etcetc....I really would like us to be a family. You are important to us and I want you to be close to your granddaughter because Im sure Im going to need some help loving her and looking after her etcetc. Smile and be sincere and sweet. Thats not kissing her ass neither. Thats apologizing for your part and letting her know your done with the BS....After the apology, she can do whatever she wants to do with it. I wouldnt concern myself anymore.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Totally agree. I'll just add that I think Op should sit down with hubby and work out a solution that mostly is suitable to everyone for future visits because this will be coming up time and time again. What happens when Op and her hubby go to his inlaws home for a visit.. He'll not want to stay in a hotel either.

[bearz]

Sorry, but I'll debate whatever I want (if you don't like it then don't read it. What I debate is helpful to the OP. No offence but it's that simple) Thing is if the Op can't read between the lines (or the lines themselves for that matter on what went wrong and learn to apply it in the future then this type of thing will keep happening until they divorce from irreconcilable differences.

It's not necessarily the content of the debate I'm having an issue with, it's the purpose of it. You don't argue with Michelle to get through to the OP, you argue with her because you don't like what she posts. What do you think makes you more qualified than her? You might have more life experience, but that means nothing if you act like a child on these forums. Only because you've been married for how many years doesn't mean you know much about today's dating life, for example. Just like her, you are having a hard time accepting someone's opinion when it goes against what you think is the only right way. Except she doesn't make it personal and you do. You can't accept a shade of grey in your black and white world... but that's true for both of you sometimes. Anyway... most of the time you give very good advice.

I told her what to do to fix this and that is to bite the bullet and apologize to her inlaws after working out a suitable solution that both her and her husband can be happy with so that they present a united front to his parents.

I wish this would have been exactly your first piece of advice in this thread. Unfortunately it always takes a heated debate and someone calling you out before you actually get to the point. First you told the OP to apologize, and that she was stubborn. She has nothing to apologize for until her and her husband work this out, as you clarified in your last post that I quoted. However, if it's her apartment, she has every right to say no to anyone who wants to visit. Her husband screwed up, twice. He's the one who needs to apologize to her and his parents first. And again, as you said, once they present a united front, THEN she should apologize to his parents. But until then, I'm siding with her in this situation.

[HeartIsAching]

Bearz? Or any man? Is it important to you for your GF or wife to be close or get along great with your mom?

To me - not in the slightest, but I'm atypical.

Wife met my mother for the first time last month. The meeting was less unpleasant than it could've been, and mercifully short.

[bearz]

Bearz? Or any man? Is it important to you for your GF or wife to be close or get along great with your mom? I ask because some men are hung to their mothers titts and their moms can have a huge influence over them. Im close to bf's mom and he and I had ALOT of issues and sometimes in the past we had disagreements but she knew her son and how he was so we always made up and we love each other. I think this whole thing started because of the wedding. When OP said what she said to her it created some sort of competition and everyone has a position so it shouldnt be that way.

Yes, it would be important for me for my girlfriend or wife to get along with my family, no doubt. But it's something you cannot force. You can try everything in your power but sometimes certain personalities just don't get along with each other. I have never had a strong emotional connection with my mother, so I don't have the problem of her being all up in my business, being controlling, trying to convince me of what's good and bad, etc. I'm there for her when she needs me, and she's always there for me as well.

[Wakeup]

It's not necessarily the content of the debate I'm having an issue with, it's the purpose of it. You don't argue with Michelle to get through to the OP, you argue with her because you don't like what she posts.

Don't tell me why I post. You can't possibly know what you said to be the truth. The purpose for it I've explained. Not to mention that I was speaking to Prada's post when michelle disagreed with me.. the rest of the back and forth followed.

What do you think makes you more qualified than her? You might have more life experience, but that means nothing if you act like a child on these forums.

Go to hell. You don't like what I post then don't read it. You just came in this forum and blamed him without giving any advice. That wasn't helpful at all and neither in my opinion was michelle when totally siding with her without giving a solution.

Only because you've been married for how many years doesn't mean you know much about today's dating life, for example. Just like her, you are having a hard time accepting someone's opinion when it goes against what you think is the only right way.

I'm not having a hard time accepting anything. I'm debating what I think is unhealthy advice and the words of someone who speaks for herself (just like the op) without considering the other side.

Except she doesn't make it personal and you do.

If you want to keep sticking up for her thats your perogative, but you stick up with her with assumptions about me and my motives... you can kiss my ass when you assume why are argue with her so much but it won't make it true.

You can't accept a shade of grey in your black and white world... but that's true for both of you sometimes. Anyway... most of the time you give very good advice.

We both do and when I don't agree I let her know just like she lets me know when she doesn't agree with me. You getting involved in what she and I are in is annoying and intrusive to tell you the truth. If you have an opinion on the subject at hand then please give it and stay out of what buinsess isn't yours.

As I said, it you don't like reading it then don'. If a mod tells us to cut it out, well then that's a different story.



I wish this would have been exactly your first piece of advice in this thread.[/quote] Go back and read, it was.

Unfortunately it always takes a heated debate and someone calling you out before you actually get to the point.

Go back and read my first post. It was the disagreeing that made me reiterate until I was blue in the face. Same shit different day.

First you told the OP to apologize, and that she was stubborn. She has nothing to apologize for until her and her husband work this out,

That is your opinion. I think (as do others) that she should apologize right now and work something out or work something out and then oppologize. The point is she needs to apologize to his parents and they need to apologise to one another and have a solution.

The rest is just your opinion and you're welecome to it . I disagree and I've tole you and michelle why. I'm not doing it again.

However, if it's her apartment, she has every right to say no to anyone who wants to visit. Her husband screwed up, twice. He's the one who needs to apologize to her and his parents first. And again, as you said, once they present a united front, THEN she should apologize to his parents. But until then, I'm siding with her in this situation.

That's where you're not getting it. Even though you said it was the point of this thread. She has come and asked how to make it right with her marriage and her inlaws. Apologizing for arbitrarily kicking them out, being stubborn (like her husband and inlaws) will indeed likely get her back into their good graces. You just want him to apologize and if you're ever in a relationship you'll figure out soon enough, that if your not happy with the hen-pecked-yes-dear role, then the "my way or the highway" attitude just causes relationship endings.

[Starnique]

I bet if op fixed it with mom in law...she and hubby situation would be better