Urgh.

[stormdrain]

I've been debating with myself whether or not to post something here -or anywhere- concerning my situation. But, even though I am fairly sure how the average response will look, I just have to write it down and get it out of my system.
I will attempt to keep the story brief...


I had my first sexual relationship when I was about thirteen. Both of us were mature beyond our years, but still too young to keep things from going wrong.
After a little over a year, the relationship started falling prey to adultery on both sides. She was open in her infidelity, I was not. Many years passed in which we had
an on again, off again and mostly platonic relationship with me almost always having one or more secret relationship concurrently. You guessed it, I was a gigantic douche.
I felt guilty and tried making all sorts of excuses for my behaviour, but in the end I was just being selfish. Something I clearly see from my current situation. But I digress...
This lasted for about fifteen years, until we both met new people and -in spite of everything that happened- we parted as good friends.

The girlfriend I had after that relationship was a sweet girl who loved me and who I cared for, but somehow I could not feel the connection I had always so desperately craved.
Also, I lied through my teeth about a whole mess of things, which in its own right ruled out any kind of future. Then, after a year and a half, I met the woman I now call my wife.
I cheated on the aforementioned girlfriend with her and slept with that girlfriend as well once. Because in my mind, it was the best thing to do, seeing as how I did not want to
dump the girlfriend for someone else. I just wanted to let her down easy. Of course it all blew up in my face, when everything got out. I almost lost the woman who is now my wife,
in the process.

The thing about my wife is, I knew immediately when I saw her that she was "the one". I know love at first sight sounds crazy, but it was true.
I "officially introduced" her to my friends and parents after only two weeks -something I had never really done ever before with anyone, because I had to keep so many secrets and balance so many lies-.
I completely changed my ways and she moved in after a month. I proposed and we were married a year later. For me, it was like a dream come true. I had always been caring and "sweet", but now
it was no longer marred by dishonesty. Knowing my wife a month, made me become a fiercely loyal, loving and supporting partner.

Now at first the two initial weeks and what happened there hung over us. Even though I only wanted my wife, she never really believed that I chose her over my ex.
I repented and bore the cross I carved for myself. If that had been the bulk of our relational issues, I would have been okay. But soon in, it became clear that my wife did not handle any kind of responsibility well.
I was in love, so I didn't mind... until... And now we spill over into things that are still going on today. Sorry if it seems a bit chaotic. You have to know up front, that when push comes to shove she says she does not want to lose me and that she loves me more than anything.

Even though I give her all the space and time she claims to need, she always complains of not being alone enough and of not feeling at home. She hates me being around when she eats, does her hair, and evryday things like that. Common parts of married life. She also doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't really take care of her/our financial situation and calls on me to help her with everything. Even when I am at work, she will ring me up to ask me to help out with her job, or to tell here where stuff is around the house. She doesn't put anything away and doesn't really look for things, then blames me for "hiding or losing them". I do everything for her, our cats and ferrets, our home, friends, etc. I can't help it, it is who I am. Who I want to be. I believe that if you love each other, no task should be too much to at least attempt. But instead of showing any form of genuine appreciation, she blames me for being "too responsible". Sure, she sometimes mumbles some thanks with a look of guilt across her face, but she still throws all my efforts back at me, while not really returning any favours. When I try to be more spontaneous and relaxed -which isn't easy if you have to run a household on your own-, she just rolls her eyes or complains about some vague physical symptoms. She doesn't engage in any sort of pleasant conversation, but then blames me for not being fun. She's too lazy to do cool things together, but then blames me for not providing her with any excitement. She says hurtful things, does selfish ones and when I do not react all upbeat, she blames me for always dragging the mood down. In fact, she tells me at least once a week how there are no good moments in our relationship and it's all too depressing. When I try to explain to her that this is a shared responsibility and that her destructive stream of ultra negative comments doesn't help, she gets annoyed and/or angry. One of the things she complains about is that we have too many "heavy relationship talks", while she is the one instigating them by putting down what we have nigh constantly and simply not taking any of my emotions into consideration. When I try to cut the conversations short, because I know they annoy her, she'll push to keep it going and afterwards say that "we had another foul evening of talking and that we aren't good together". When we met, her libido was higher than mind. I had just been on serious medication. She knew this in advance, but still felt it necessary to remind me of how unfulfilled she was. By the time my body had recovered its sex drive, her interest in me faded, because amongst other things "my responsible ways reminded her of her parents". When we had sex it was good, but the frequency decreased somewhat and then...

A few months after we were legally married and a week before our actual celebration during her bachelorette party, she cheated on me in our own bed. She didn't get much of a chance to lie, because I immediately knew from her face and our bed. At first she said it was a one time thing and so on, but when she slept with the same guy not two months later, she confessed in stages that she has been seeing him "sexually" for seven years and that she had never been as attracted physically to anyone. She proceeded to tell me how she climaxed when he looked at her and details like that. Having the past I do and loving my wife, I told her that I could forgive an affair if there were no large emotional attachments and if she respected me as her husband and primary partner. I also told her it would be difficult for me and that I would need time to adjust and handle things. That was two months ago. She has seen him thrice since and chats with the guy online nearly every day. It stings like hell, so I am often in a poor mood. Not angry, just sad. And now she blames me for that. She says things like "I thought you were fine with this", "I don't want the fun I have there to be ruined when I come home and you are all depressed", ... No amount of explaining that this hurts, I need time and that one day will be easier for me than another, seems to sway her. She had said she wanted to be just friends on numerous occasions, but when we talk about it, she backs down.

And on other occasions she says I am the most important person in her life and she never wants to lose me. She is so sweet I almost can't help but forgive everything... I keep hoping it will get better and I keep carrying that positive attitude into our marriage, even though I have become more stern and realistic. But I know if things don't change...

Is this just my karma? Does she have borderline personality disorder? Is she just really immature? Or is it as simple as her not wanting me?

[michelle23]

Some would call this Karma yes.

I am glad you have grown up and changed-well done for that.

The problem here is unhealthy people normally attract other unhealthy people which leads to a co-dependent destructive unhealthy relationship. You can either choose to stay and take the crap from her and end up more miserable everyday or get revenge by cheating and end up more miserable or leave her and try to find some happiness.

Do the right thing and leave her. If she learns from what she has done to you and begs you for forgiveness-it will be your choice whether you want to try and make it work or not.

personally I think you would benefit greatly from counselling and if your marriage is to survive-your wife will also need counselling and youll both need marriage counselling.

I always think "once a cheat always a cheat" and if someone ever cheats on me it would end with no second chances but you obviously have different views on it so it is your decision.

You caused a lot of this by the way you got together in the beginning. It lead to all sorts of trust issues but if your wife had any sense she would have walked away a long time ago instead of choosing to stay with a man she does not trust and getting revenge by having an affair.

You both need help

[elevator]

This is strange, it reads like fiction. But, under the assumption that it's true...my first thought: your wife seems like a b****. There are no two ways about it, if what you say is true, then she's a horrible excuse for a partner.

Your past is not exactly admirable but that's history (well, that's how it seems?) You're loyal to her, do everything for her and you seem 'reformed'. She cheats on you, isn't even remorseful, forces you to accept her infidelity on an ongoing basis...is lazy, unthoughtful and basically just abusive. You're a bit like a castrated puppy...you put up with it for some reason.

You're okay with your partner having sex with someone else instead of you? You're okay with her acting like an invalid when it comes to house work and finances and basically everything else in life? You're a slave, not a husband.

My opinion: she doesn't love you - not in the real sense of the word. She's dependent on you because of what you do for her so she stays because it's convenient and easy and she's too lazy to do it on her own.

Are you co-dependent? What do you get from this? What does she do for you? Do you like getting treated like this? Sounds to me like you've repented plenty for your sins while she invites hers over for dinner and makes you cook.

[stormdrain]

She isn't doing this out of revenge. She lied about the guy even before we got together. And she's been seeing him on and off for years longer than she has even known me. Her trust issues, strangely enough, aren't the issue at all.
They make things even more difficult, I suppose, but that's about the extent of it.

I should probably also mention that I am an educated, decent looking fellow and am not staying for lack of other options. The house we live in is mine and we have a pre-nuptial agreement that upon divorce she only gets to take what she brought or bought herself. And I should also mention that I suffer from severe chronic pain, which affects my outlook on life, but not so much my daily routine.

And yes, it is actually true. The whole story is longer of course. I have really been reformed into what a lot of the times feels like a subservient dumbass.
I suppose the reason is that I shut out a lot of emotions for years by lying to myself and everyone else. And that by letting them in, they knocked me down and wounded me. The situation has stunted the healing process.

I have a hard time letting go of things and I keep hoping that she'll magically evolve. It's not even the cheating I mind so much, I am a rational being most days and as said, I know from experience that it doesn't have to mean that much for a relationship. It's just the way she goes about it. Instead of using "my permission" discretely and comforting me when I am having a hard time with it, she throws it in my face all the time and blames me for not being all smiles and rainbows. It's all her negativity about "us" and then blaming me for showing I care.

I hate being treated like this. But I let myself slip into thought patterns where I take too much of the responsibility for the issues at hand. I find myself thinking that maybe I should just avoid certain topics, try harder, laugh more, etc.
Maybe I am just still too in love to actually sever the connection.

[michelle23]

You are co-dependent and you need help. You need to get this leech of a woman out of your life and then you need to focus on emotional growth so you can eventually have a normal healthy relationship. You also need to change your mindset on cheating. It is not okay to hurt your partner like that or for her to hurt you. If you want an open relationship-fine but youll have to meet someone who shares your view on it so there is no sneaking around, lies or betrayal.

Your miserable most of the time. That is not love. Love is supposed to make you happy. Obviously every marriage goes through rough times but when it gets this bad-the only option is to walk away. You are hurting yourself more by staying.

Why would you tolerate her laziness? You are equally responsible for your home and it is wrong for one person to do everything while the other does nothing. Even if one of you stays at home while the other works-the working spouse should still have some weekly chores-that is called team work.

And she has no empathy for your feelings, she doesnt respect you as a man or as her husband and she is crushing what little self-esteem you do have.

If you stay and put up with all this-then there is something wrong with you. You know deep down you are not good together and you know you are unhappy and you have the power to change your situation.

If you dont take any of my other advice-please take this piece of advice and get some counselling.

[stormdrain]

I would never again cheat on my partner, but I am a realist and know it happens in the best and worst of relationships. The details of the how, when, where and why are primordial.
The thing is, I know her extreme "adolescent behaviour" -she's in her late twenties- may stem from a disorder somewhere between HPD and borderline. And I know that when it comes to this relationship, I have denial and control codependency issues that are a result of my own transgressions of the past as well as the excessive amount of loss I have experienced in my years. But be all that as it may, I just do not want to give up yet. I will not suffer through this forever, but I would at least like to be completely sure before I walk away. I want the peace of mind that even if it didn't work, I tried my very best and that I did not crap out on something that could have grown.

As for counselling, the irony is that I have a degree in psychology and have a rather firm grasp on what would need to be done. I would get counselling mainly to see if I can trust my own opinions.
But yes, Michelle, you make a strong case

[michelle23]

You have a degree in psychology? Jeez man you should know how destructive your situation is. When did you get this degree? Was it during or after all your past horrific relationships?

I respect the fact that you dont want to give up too easily on your marriage and you deserve credit for that but something has to give if you want things to change. You need to do something so she knows her behaviour is not acceptable and that you will not tolerate it. People will treat you the way you allow them to and if you dont want to be disrespected, hurt and taken for granted then you have to put your foot down and take a stand.

She needs a reality check and your the only one who can give it to her. That is why I think you need to kick her out and bide your time until she crawls back on her hands and knees and begs for another chance. She needs to be truly sorry and accept responsibility for her actions and then you will need marriage counselling so you can put all this behind you and focus on building a healthy relationship.

That is the only way my friend.

[stormdrain]

Got the degree at University, some decade ago. I have personal insight in spades, but that hasn't ever prevented me from screwing things up royally
We have a vacation booked for next month, I would like to make the best of that. Afterwards, if she continues her destructive behaviour in the weeks after we return,
I will indeed talk to her parents and friends to make certain she has the practical support she needs... and end it.

[michelle23]

Good luck to you. I suspect your going to need it. Feel free to keep us updated and were here if you need more advice

[BackUpOrGetStng]

**** her support. Drop her cold.

[elevator]

Almost every behavior can be linked to a mental illness if we look hard enough; is she ill or is she just vile? Anyone who has studied psych knows how tempting it is to label every 'abnormal' or 'nasty' behavior with a tag - it doesn't excuse her actions, though - nothing does. She knows what she's doing, BPD doesn't incapacitate you to the point of doing things involuntarily. But you allow her behavior so there's very little incentive to change. She takes you for granted and has gotten it into her head that you'll stick around no matter what.

If you feel she has a mental illness, take her to a psychiatrist...but as you probably know, a diagnosis and medication only do so much, the rest is up to the individual; they have to want to change, be better people and that requires effort. You seem very permissive when it comes to getting cheated on...I mean she even tells you how attracted she is to him...to an outsider, that just seems absurd but this is what you've chosen so to make the best of it, you've really got to put your foot down. Very few people are happy being door-mats who get used/abused by others...unless you're particularly subservient and enjoy this, you need to do something before your own sanity wears thin.

[michelle23]

OP I think you feel as if you deserve this treatment somehow because you were a "douche" in the past and you believe this is "karma" but you have changed, turned over a new leaf and learned from your past which means you don't have to take this crap from her.

You should expect her to treat you the same way you treat her and she should be just as loyal to you.

Sure you can make excuses for her and blame her past or her "mental disorder" but that is denial which only feeds your co-dependency even more. She is responsible for her behavior. She has choices. You don't have a chain tied around her neck preventing her from walking out the door and if she is unhappy she can leave. Nothing justifies her cheating on you and she cannot blame you for something that she has chosen to do. Even if you were a horrible nasty monster who treated her like dirt-cheating is not the solution and it doesnt make the situation any better. Ill say it again-if she is unhappy she can leave!

There are so many other issues as well that you put up with. You are like a slave to her or even a caretaker. She takes advantage and says and does things just to hurt you. She wants to rub it in your face and upset you which is so wrong on so many levels.

Please realize that you have grown and learned from your past and made lots of changes and you have put her first and treated her right and you do not have to stay and suffer anymore.

[michelle23]

She lied about the guy even before we got together. And she's been seeing him on and off for years longer than she has even known me.

OP are you sure she didn't just marry you for your money and the lifestyle you can give her? This ^^ says to me that you were her second choice and you never trusted her because she signed a prenuptial agreement and everything is in your name.

[stormdrain]

First of all, thank you kindly for your responses and advice. It actually helps more than I would have thought and I will not forget.

She didn't marry me for money or lifestyle. She's semi-oblivious to most practical aspects of daily life. Plus, I'm not that wealthy
Mental disorder, tormented past or anything else does not excuse her behaviour. It does explain it to an extent. And it is a slight comfort to me,
knowing where it comes from. Although of course, part of it is only directed to me as her partner because she manages to hide those aspects well from
most others.

One of the main issues is that she takes no responsibility for her own actions. It's almost as if she isn't even aware of them.
She will say or do something hurtful and when I react, it's as if my words have no cause whatsoever. When I then confront her, she just brushes my arguments
aside basically saying that she is allowed to be honest and be herself and that she simply wants to enjoy her life without having to worry about what
the response on the home front will be. So yeah, it's like living with a teenager.

I do not enjoy this and do not see this as something I deserve. It's the first relationship of this nature I have ever had and I will be damned
if I would ever have another one. It is messed up when if all you want is for someone to show they love you, you have to go wanting.
The snag is that I do genuinely love her for some reason and I'm a stubborn bastard. I also do not particularly enjoy change. even if that change would be for the best.
And of course, I love animals. I'm one of those people who turns into mush if he sees anything fluffy. And if she leaves, she will take the five cats, since they are legally hers.
I do not like the prospects of an empty house, especially when I've lost almost all of my family and have too few meaningful connections to friends.

Another factor in my summation is that I am in my early thirties and I do not want kids. In fact, I've been sterilised. Most women I will meet will want something I can't give them.
I could look for someone younger, but that would just be postponing the issue. Plus, I want a mature partner after all this.

Just to clarify, it's not that I react meekly to her transgressions. I oscillate between understanding, angry and sad. But never meek.
I also let her know when she crosses a line, which usually only prompts more emotional abuse from her end and an accusation that I
always complicate and things and suck the fun out of life.

The annoying part is, that she does have a point when it comes to the latter. As a gifted person with chronic pain who has battled depression his entire adult life, I am not the most
upbeat person there is. I've been told by several people that I can unwillingly create a bleak atmosphere. My own realisation of this, does often cause me to back down in the end
and become somewhat apologetic. And that is where I really go wrong. I should not fold like that. I wish my heart would listen, haha.

[michelle23]

Look up npd. It sound to me like she has some symptoms of this.

There are women your age who are also sterile and some who dont want kids. Plus if push came to shove and you changed your mind with a future partner-there is adoption, fostering or a sperm doner. Theres always options.

And your gloomy attitude that you speak of would probaby improve if you had a woman who made you feel loved and respected.

Also you can make new friends.and you could buy a puppy or a kitten if she takes them away.