My husband and I are in a real rough patch and I really need some advice! Let me give you a little background on us first....
I met my husband when I was 15. He was my first love. We dated off and on until he eventually joined the US Air Force. We always kept in touch and eventually decided that we DID want to be with each other. The only way to do that was for us to get married. It was practical but we had always talked about marriage and it felt meant to be. I was ecstatic! At first, marriage was good, though I quickly realized that he was a heavy drinker, far worse than I had realized. Less than a year into the marriage I began to work full time. I got home later than he and he would usually be VERY drunk or already passed out by the time I got home. I began to get very frustrated and we had also pretty much stopped having sex. My husband knew I was bisexual and had always been okay with my having female friends with benefits. So around this time, I developed a big crush on a girl that I knew through my job. We began to see each other. My husband knew about it, but it was always assumed that it would remain a physical relationship only. It didn't. I fell in love with her. While I take blame for this, I also know it might have not happened if he had not put drinking before the marriage. Eventually, he went to rehab and the drinking improved (though never stopped). He expressed to me that my relationship with her was hurting our marriage and, after some resistance, I broke up with her. This was last Oct. I was very depressed for a month or two. I questioned whether or not I was a lesbian. I loved my husband and I missed the bliss that we once had, but I missed her too. However, I decided that I wanted to focus on fixing my marriage. We moved to a different state for my husbands job. Things got better for a while but I never stopped thinking about her.
Okay so that brings us up to now: 2013.
Over the past two months, we have again stopped having sex pretty much. We don't have that spark anymore. I think about her all the time and have fantasies about divorcing my husband and moving back to where she lives. I even broke down and called her (for the first time since the break up) the other day just to talk. My relationship with my husband is not bad. He isn't mean, he supports me, his drinking has improved, we have great communication...but I just don't feel that connection, that spark, the "in love" feeling. I am willing to work to fix our marriage but there is this part of me deep inside that I think wants things to be over just so I can give a relationship with her a chance. However, I know its not logical. I have a good man, I should be happy...I should give our marriage a chance. I just don't know how to make those special feelings come back. I don't know how to be attracted to him anymore.
Is this what marriage is? Mediocre? No sex? No attraction or romance? It's like we are really close roommates. Out of the year and 8 months we have been married, I have questioned divorce for eight of those months. My main question is should I tell him I still have feelings for her? I feel like that is the true root of the problem, the feelings I still have for her. I am afraid if I tell him it will ruin any chance of fixing the marriage but I also feel guilty for keeping it to myself. Also, does anyone have advice for getting back those feelings of intimacy and attraction?
HELP ME PLEASE!!