which move do I make?

[zerokool189]

I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. She is great, always happy, completely independent and adventurous. We first met after I relocated. We took trips and tried to live every moment to the fullest. As usual, life happened. Work became busy and traveling slowed down. She is at a point in life where she is ready to settle down. I feel that she is ready to get married and I might not be there yet. I am self employed and don't really feel solid enough to settle down. I have told her this and she is fully supportive. She has no problem helping me if times where to get tough. That being said, I am ready to move out of my roommate situation and had planned on living with her. She told me that she wouldn't want to live together until we were engaged. I am always at her house, I basically live there while my stuff is collecting dust at my house. She also just renewed her lease without telling me, I was hoping to discuss moving in some time soon...

I feel a bit of pressure to ask her to marry me. Things are great between us. All our friends think we are perfect together and ask when we will get married. I absolutely love her, but something is holding me back. My family is very warm and loving, almost too much. They love to be super involved in your life and give a lot of attention. Her family is opposite. I think her father has said 10 words to me, and it's usually with me initiating. Her mom is more open and verbal with me. They both like me, it's just a bit awkward on my end. Wouldn't they want to get to know me really well?

Another thing that sort of bothers me is we are intimate about once a week, and I only feel satisfied about half that. I mostly find that I would rather take care of myself than be intimate with my gf. this is a big issue for me that nobody knows about. We have talked about a few things and can definitely work on this issue. I know that with time and work we can better our sex life, but I have had girlfriends where I would feel satisfied every time and we would be intimate everyday.

I know that she is the girl that I would marry, I just don't feel like I am ready. She is in her 30's and drops hints that make me feel some pressure.

So my basic problem is that if I feel hesitation about marriage. I am thinking about it too much. I really want to move out of my current house, but feel that if I get a studio apartment it would affect my relationship. I mentioned it to her and she saw no issue with it. If I do get a studio, I will be spending less time at her place. I spend about 95% of my time at her place...

[michelle23]

If you are not ready for marriage then don't do it. Tell her you want to get engaged in the future but not right now as you really want to focus on getting your career sorted first so you have nothing to worry about when you are planning the wedding.

As for the issues with your sex life. I am confused. Is it that she only wants sex once a week and its not very good when it happens? Or is it that you don't feel attracted to her?
Sexual incompatibility will lead to problems so you really need to try to fix this issue before anything else.

As for the issues with her parents-there is nothing you can do about that. Its just the way they are.

[michelle23]

Also I dont think you need to be engaged to live together but then again I am 23. She is 30 and I can see why she would want to get married and have kids in the next 5 years.

[smackie9]

Wow dude you are in a tough spot. I guess when you met you never thought of these things until now. You are best to discuss it with her, and be totally honest with her about how you feel, about the sex and about her family. Marriage is a package deal. Not only you are marrying her, but you marry into her family. Also if the sex is not that good by now, especially during the honeymoon period of your relationship, it's not going to get better. You guys have had a year and a half to work on it, so stop kidding yourself. Marriage is no picnic, and if you are already seeing incompatibility at the year and a half mark, it will not survive for the long haul.

[zerokool189]

Thanks guys. I really feel sad right now. She is such an awesome and pure person. she really loves me and I really love her and would never want to hurt her. With that being said, I feel that she doesn't trust me and thats why she doesn't want to move in with me until engagement... which is more of a commitment than dating is. I feel that she doesn't trust that I am already committed. I have never cheated on her and won't. I have been open about the sex and she is open to it and wants to work on it. It has gotten better since our talk. I am attracted to her, she just doesn't have the libido that I have.

I really don't know what to do, but at this point I am leaning towards a 1 bedroom for myself. I am scared that if I do that we might grow apart. I am telling her that, but she thinks that if I move to a 1 bedroom I will still be at her place every night. I feel that she is absolutely the girl I will marry, I'm just not ready yet...or is that another indicator?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you should stay with her and work on things until her lease is up, and then see how you feel about marrying her.

[zerokool189]

I just thought that. I would hate to regret breaking up with her later in life. she really is awesome. I'll probably just get my own place for now and then see how things progress. Thanks everyone for replying to the post, it really means a lot!

[VincenzoG91]

You've been out of the dating scene for a while, so you've probably forgotten that first dates can be a real freakshow. This sounds like the typical dude fear of commitment crap. Seriously, are you anxious to hook up with some other women before you are ready to engaged to her? No? Then don't take her for granted and jerk her around like this. She sounds like a special person, and you are making trivial excuses for not taking this relationship to the next level. Why do you need more time? What will potentially happen during that time? Are you afraid that she is hiding something? Or that you might not be able to handle engagement or marriage? Or that somebody better will turn up? Chase these fears of yours out into the open and deal with them, before you screw this relationship up. She's 30, so she doesn't have time to waste years on your b-s.

[bcgirl]

She is in her 30's and of course very normal for her to want to get married since her biological clock is ticking. As for you? Are you younger? Sometimes when we are dealing with 20 something year old males and 30 year old females they want different things. As for living together before engagement, this is a must. She should be mature enough to understand this. Marriage is no rainbows and sunshine and white picket fence happily ever after stuff. Best thing to test how marriage will be I to live together first. You two will learn a lot more about each other this way. As for you wanting to be stable financially etc. before marriage is a good plan too. Rings are expensive, wedding is expensive etc. and if your gf wants the whole glam wedding with no money and starting marriage in debt...well that's plain dumb.
As for the sex thing, you only been dating for a year. If the sex ain't mind blowing spectacular well I guarantee you after marriage it will just be sh!t. Can you explain why you aren't satisfied? Is it the lack of sex? Or is it the actual lack of sexual chemistry? If its the latter, I would say don't waste anymore time with this gal because you won't be able to change that.

[michelle23]

You cant change her sex drive. Is she on birth control? Get her off it and see if her libido improves. Birth control can kill a womans sex drive over time.

You really do need to live together for at least a year to figure out if your really compatable. Plus a year and a half is not enough to figure that out. Its all rainbows and flowers when your all infatuated but how will yoy handle a major crisis like someone close to one of you dying or one of you losing yoir job etc. You wont no for sure how strong you are together until the shit hits the fan. Wil it bring you closer or tear you apart. Will one of you crumble and have an affair or are you a strong enough team to pull each other close?

Marriage is a big decision and not one you should rush into