What do I do?

[VincenzoG91]

Then on Sunday she got a call from her brother-in-law asking her to let him take her out that evening. Sunday. She told him yes. She did it without first asking me if I still wanted to go out for our birthday that day since it was now possible or telling him she already had a request from her boyfriend and had turned him down so it wouldn't be right to go out with him until she found out whether I still wanted to have dinner with her. She didn't care and went out with him and told me she also wouldn't explain to him what she had done. He had no idea she had turned down birthday dinner with her boyfriend to go out with him. She said she thought since we made plans to have the dinner the next weekend there was nothing wrong with her actions. The following weekend plans were based on her saying she was unable to go out Sunday night. If she wanted to go out with me Sunday night all she had to do was tell me she could. She knew that before she talked to her brother-in-law.

Wait, what? Your girlfriend's brother-in-law took her out to dinner? Was her sister there too, or was this a shady-looking pseudo-date?

[Valixy]

And well, a question for you just out of curiosity, and I hope you won't mind. How would you have felt if after arranging a joint celebration for your birthdays she had decided to actually celebrate that day together with her daughter and her ex-husband? Would you have so calmly accepted this and postponed your dinner just like that? Would you have enjoyed this situation? Because this is slightly different than going on a weekend with her mother instead of going with you, I think.

[peanut924]

No problem answering you. I put myself in her position. I looked at all sides. Perhaps it's the guilt I feel for not spending enough time with my daughter when she was growing up and the distance that's between us that made me make the decision I did. For me to break her date with her father on his birthday when she was also trying to get closer to me would have only served to increase that distance. "He's doing it to me again" would have to fill her mind. I couldn't do that to her. On the other hand there have been several occasions when my girlfriend has broken or canceled dates with me because she had already promised her daughter they would do something and forgotten. Every single time I was considerate and understanding. While none of those broken dates came up to the level of the birthday date, I know I would have done the same thing I'd always done if I was presented with the same situation she was. There is a special bond between a father and daughter that I don't have but want. I see the special connection between my girlfriend and her daughter and want that for me and mine. I wanted her to put herself in my position and do what I know she would have done for her daughter had the roles been reversed. Honestly I would have been extremely disappointed and not happy she was going to be out with her ex but I would have trusted her, understood the importance of the dinner for her with her daughter and I would have told her I understood and had our dinner the next night.

[smackie9]

IMO family always comes first period, especially with children to some degree. If your GF can't learn to be flexible with your family situation then she is being a stupid bitch and well if it were me I would tell her to go jump to her death if it was such a problem to her.....come on...it's just another bloody day. So god damn petty really.

[Valixy]

Thanks for answering and being honest: you would have also been extremely dissapointed and not happy if she had gone out with her ex...I thought so. Fortunately for you she does not put you in this kind of situations. This way you don't have to test the understanding person you are and maybe discover that you could also fail like she did on that occasion. If things got better meanwhile, I'm glad

[smackie9]

No problem answering you. I put myself in her position. I looked at all sides. Perhaps it's the guilt I feel for not spending enough time with my daughter when she was growing up and the distance that's between us that made me make the decision I did. For me to break her date with her father on his birthday when she was also trying to get closer to me would have only served to increase that distance. "He's doing it to me again" would have to fill her mind. I couldn't do that to her. On the other hand there have been several occasions when my girlfriend has broken or canceled dates with me because she had already promised her daughter they would do something and forgotten. Every single time I was considerate and understanding. While none of those broken dates came up to the level of the birthday date, I know I would have done the same thing I'd always done if I was presented with the same situation she was. There is a special bond between a father and daughter that I don't have but want. I see the special connection between my girlfriend and her daughter and want that for me and mine. I wanted her to put herself in my position and do what I know she would have done for her daughter had the roles been reversed. Honestly I would have been extremely disappointed and not happy she was going to be out with her ex but I would have trusted her, understood the importance of the dinner for her with her daughter and I would have told her I understood and had our dinner the next night.

If you want this special bond with your daughter like she has with her's then tell her what you posted here! Good communication goes a long way you know.

[peanut924]

Valixy......please read what preceded and followed that excerpt you've chosen. It seems you've taken one line out of text to justify actions based on one portion of one sentence. Take it in it's entirety and it means something else. I said how I would feel, not how I would act. After that quote you sectioned out I said what I would do. "trusted her, understood the importance of the dinner for her with her daughter and I would have told her I understood and had our dinner the next night". You said she failed in this situation. I had a feeling you didn't believe she did. Still it no longer matters. It's behind me now.

[Valixy]

I did read your complete answer of course and you explained yourself very well. I have no doubt that you have the best intentions and you would have tried your best even if you had been as disappointed and unhappy as she was. But you were not put in that situation, she was, and I think it's much easier to imagine what one would do in certain circumstances than actually facing them and being prone to fail.

[peanut924]

I wasn't imagining what I would have done. I know myself. I absolutely would have done as I said. She also said she knows I would.