Can I contact child of ex?

[Goona]

My ex and I broke up about 8/9 months ago after 3 years living together.
She has a daughter with whom she shares custody with the father.

After the break up, my ex and I were in contact for a few months and I spoke to her daughter too, but now we have been no contact for 6 months or so.

Her daughter and I did start to become quite close in the time my ex and I were together, and I do miss her. She has a father, so perhaps I was more like an uncle or friend.

Anyway, in a couple of weeks it is her daughter's birthday and I was wondering if I can contact her and send a card or something?

But seeing as I haven't had any contact with her for a long time, perhaps she has forgotten me, so would it be a bad idea to remind her of me?

There is no chance of my ex and I getting back together.

And I don't think I'm totally over my ex, so is this just me trying to cling on? Should I just leave it in the past and accept that the child doesn't need me and probably doesn't care that much?

I'm not expecting anything back from her or my ex, it's just that she is a very sweet kid, and I left quite suddenly, so perhaps I feel sorry for her or something.

Also, we are living in different countries now.

So does anyone have any advice for me?

Thank you.

[Wakeup]

How old is she?

[IndiReloaded]

But seeing as I haven't had any contact with her for a long time, perhaps she has forgotten me, so would it be a bad idea to remind her of me?

There is no chance of my ex and I getting back together.

And I don't think I'm totally over my ex, so is this just me trying to cling on? Should I just leave it in the past and accept that the child doesn't need me and probably doesn't care that much?

The mother and child come as a package deal. Unless the child is now an adult and friendly towards you of her own choice as an adult, you need to stay away. Sending a card to a minor would be inappropriate.

If you miss the mother, then say so and contact her. Don't try to weasel your way back into the mother's graces via the child, that's just wrong. Plus, she would be beyond pissed if she had any sense about her.

[stev123]

the first thing is why are you dating women with children, the second is, why the hell do you wanna keep in touch with a kid thats not yours, do you need a reality check or something? lmao

[Goona]

Thanks for your replies.

@Wakeup - she will be 7 this year.

@IndiReloaded - This is absolutely not about weaselling my way back into the mother's graces. I would not use a child like that. I do miss the mum sometimes and the child too. We said we would be friends after the break-up, however, she has met someone new, and that is why we went no contact. I guess that is another reason why I shouldn't contact the child.
I do not want to try to re-establish contact with the mum, I would send the card to the dad's address. But I just feel that it is a shame for the child, we became close, and then I disappeared. I don't want her to think I just left and didn't care and forgot about her, because she is a very sweet child.

@stev123 - I think you sound a bit immature. First, I don't think there is anything wrong with dating a woman who has a child. As IndiReloaded said, mother and child come as a package, and sometimes that is how life works. I like children, and how does someone having a child make them bad or a bad partner? Second, the kid may not be biologically mine, but we did form a bond during the time I was with her mother. The child is the innocent victim in a breakup. I want to keep in contact with her because we shared some moments together. It could be like that for anyone I met in my life who I am not biologically related to, the difference is she is a child, so I do not want to confuse her by staying in contact.
Anyway, I guess you probably think adoption is also wrong and laugh at people who adopt right?

[Goona]

Thanks for your replies.

Wakeup - she will be 7 this year.

IndiReloaded - This is absolutely not about weaselling my way back into the mother's graces. I would not use a child like that. I do miss the mother sometimes, and also the child. We said we would be friends after the breakup, however, my ex has someone new who did not want us to be friends. I guess maybe that is another reason why I shouldn't contact the child?

But the child and I did grow close during the time I was with her mother. I don't want her to think that I just left and forgot about her. I want her to know that even though things didn't work out with her mother and I, it doesn't mean that she meant nothing to me. That I still think of her and wish her the best. I am not expecting or wanting a reply, or to try and come back into her life in some weird and confusing way.
Also if I sent something, I would send it to the father, so it is not about re-establishing contact with my ex.

stev123 - I think you sound a bit immature. Firstly, I don't think there is anything wrong in dating someone who has a child. As IndiReloaded said, mother and child come a s a package, and sometimes that is how life goes. I like children, and what makes someone having a child a worse person or partner? Second, I want to keep in touch with her because children are the innocent victims in a breakup. Just because I am not biologically related to her doesn't mean we didn't have a bond. If someone you were close to, left and never spoke to you again, would you not care because you are not biologically related? The difference is, she is a child and I don't want to confuse her.
I guess you also laugh at people who adopt children?

[pcmaster]

You have to ask this mother. Is mum is ok than why not.

[Goona]

Thanks pcmaster. Unfortunately I can't ask the mum because she asked me not to contact her anymore.
I can ask the dad though.

[Wakeup]

I think you should just stay away. The little girl has probably come to terms with you not being there anymore. Just let it lie.

I feel bad for this little girl at the tender age of 7 already having had three different men come in and out of her life. I hope the mother was smart this time and hasn't introduced the little girl to her current furture ex. It's not even been 9 months and shes with someone new. I wonder what she is teaching her daughter?

How long did you and the mother go together before you moved in?

[VincenzoG91]

There is no possible way to ask to maintain contact with the girl without it appearing creepy and inappropriate. Doesn't matter if you have the best of intentions. Just get on with your life.

[freshlylit]

I wouldn't contact the child

[Goona]

Thanks everyone.

I think maybe it is better if I just leave her alone then. She has most probably forgotten about me for a long time already.
I just think it is a shame and a bit sad.

Hopefully the mum will make it work with her new guy this time.

[Starnique]

the first thing is why are you dating women with children, the second is, why the hell do you wanna keep in touch with a kid thats not yours, do you need a reality check or something? lmao

He can date who he wants to date. I wasn't aware that there was a law against that.

[misombra]

she asked you not to contact her. the unseen fineprint is that her= anyone around her. especially her child.

i think you'll just have to wish them the best and move along.

not a good idea to contact the child in either which way.

[Goona]

Thank you misombra.

She did want us to stay friends. The only reason she asked me not to contact her was because her new boyfriend wouldn't allow it, which is understandable.
But I suppose you are right, that if she says that it includes her daughter.

I thought about sending the card to the dad with a letter saying he can decide to give it to her or not. What do you think?

But I suppose it is best just to leave it though. In truth, even if I did send something, I don't think I could make regular contact with her.

I just feel sorry for the child that people are coming and going from her life. I didn't even get to say goodbye really.
But children are resilient, and she has surely forgotten about me. I think 9 months is a very long time for a child. But I hope she doesn't remember me as the guy who was there and then disappeared.