Am I in denial?

[overanxious]

It was an issue, she just payed less attention to it because she had happy rainbow vision on :p but the vision faded, and the problems weren't ignored anymore.

probably true...probably what happened to me

i think when it gets to a point like the OP is describing...the guy should do spontaneous stuff...things they didnt normally do together...and try to spice it up again...i wish i had....but i was whitholding because i wasnt getting some of the things i wanted and expected.....sometimes i think back and wish i had tried some special things to take it back to a time when things were so wild and love seemed to be on fire

when my ex would complain that she wished things were like they used to be id say "that was the honeymoon period....it doesnt ever really come back but we can try to have times and moments like that again if we mix it in with being responsible and trying to build a future....we can keep that life and spark too....but we cant just stay in that carefree time when we didnt have a worry in the world....its been 2.5 years and you dont have a savings or checking account....you need to try to grow up too"

she used to try to coach me too on how to love her....it seemed like if i was giving one thing she wasnt getting another though....and if she had some concerns...maybe i wasnt getting it right off the bat...but i was trying to make an effort to improve....while she wasnt

sadly in her world...i think she wants a guy to fawn over her everyday while taking care of every financial responbility too....thats alot of effort...almost too much for some guys

[IndiReloaded]

Infatuation needs to transition to friends and comfort for things to last. If you don't support each other, make each other feel good and trust each other then that's it, you're done. Romance can stay alive if nurtured, but it's not the foundation of a relationship. These^ are.

[Maximus89]

Overanxious, I hear you man, that's pretty much what happened to us. But it wasn't like she wanted fawning, she just used communication I didn't understand, or hints and stuff. Our communication was awful because of that. And we still are a great match, we both agreed on that. She said that she wanted it to work, and it just didn't. That was because we started trying to fix things when it was too late, irritation was through the roof, I couldn't say anything anymore without offending her.
Now I have a new problem, that is her almost never being online the last few months cos she was too tired or busy, and now she's online for hours every evenening, and I just can't get idea out of my head that she's constantly flirting with other men etc. I can be really obsessive on jealousy, cos you get some sort of claim over a person when you're dating, and I just can't let go. And of course I can't talk to her that often because she finds it awkward. She is very honest about it too.
I know I should give her some cool off period, but I'm afraid I'd lose her to another guy. But I also can't force anything, cos I'm threading a very fine line here. My hands are tied. And I feel very sad and lonely because of that.
I still think about pursuing her but it just hurts, I can't focus on anything else, can't eat or sleep.

[Maximus89]

Infatuation needs to transition to friends and comfort for things to last. If you don't support each other, make each other feel good and trust each other then that's it, you're done. Romance can stay alive if nurtured, but it's not the foundation of a relationship. These^ are.

What are you pointing at when you say These^?

[IndiReloaded]

Max, come on. Really? Your reading comprehension can't be that low. What part do you think is foundational?

[Maximus89]

Trust, support and respect, but the ^ thing was a bit misleading, so I was trying to confirm your point.
We actually had all those. Only later on these things turned into well-meant intentions, because we didn't communicate properly. And she felt sad unloved ignored and unrespected, despite my best attempts to show her the opposite. And the tensions were too high to try anything, we started fixing it when it was too late.

[Loot77]

Hello
Being a woman who has had a similar problem with communicating with an ex I can say that is really isn't all your fault. Whilst you might be a poor communicator, it is also her job to communicate to YOU how she is feeling, and to try and find a way that gets it through to you. Sounds like she was expecting you to do that to her, but wasn't returning the favour. I can see now, that whilst I talk a lot, it isn't necessarily the amount you talk but about finding the right way to be heard. If I had realised this sooner I might have saved my last relationship, but we gave up.
I guess you need to find out if she is willing to work with you to try and improve the way you communicate together or if you can just learn some painful lessons and move on.
Both parties need to constantly put effort in to a relationship, consider the others feelings, not react to how they think they are being treated and letting things spiral out of control until you are two strangers sitting on the same couch. Girls want to be listened too, they don't always want a solution, but just to tell someone how they feel, and importantly, they want what they say to be remembered!!! If you forget, it's like saying "it wasn't important".
One way or another you will leanr an important lesson from this. Good luck

[Maximus89]

That's also the problem, she always assumes the things she says are interpreted correctly, and gets mad when they're not because she said it right, the other party must not be listening. Her effort was mostly giving me a chance and time to better myself doing nothing to reflect on herself or even taking into mind her behaviour is also a problem.
I'd love to see other people be as insigtful as you about themselves and the communication with them. Too bad that's just not the reality.

[michelle23]

That wasn't the question, I'm improving the skills as we speak. and she gave me alot of tips on how to do so, and what she wanted from me "all this time". Question is whether I'm just fooling myself thinking this will work out if my communication skills improve, or that this actually has a chance.

1 and a half years in and all these problems. Your probably just not compatible or maybe your relationship moved too fast. If your living together already it can be a recipe for disaster. The honeymoon period has to fade first for awhile before you live together. Do you have the same morals, values, beliefs and life goals? Are you sexually, emotionally and intellectually compatible? Do you love each other? If yes to all those questions-the relationship is probably worth fighting for but you need to learn how to deal with issues or conflict in a healthier way. Instead of ignoring a problem and allowing resentment and anger to build up-talk it out straight away and do whatever it takes to fix it.

Also the little stupid things are not important such as leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to turn off a light. If those things are causing arguments between you-then you should not be together. You have to focus on the bigger picture and whats really important.

[IndiReloaded]

Trust, support and respect, but the ^ thing was a bit misleading, so I was trying to confirm your point.

Also wanting and being able to make each other feel good and cared for. There are relationship 'experts' who will say that's not the job of a partner, and its not, but you can have a relationship of trust, support and respect (my child, my boss) that isn't what I have with my partner.

Hello
Being a woman who has had a similar problem with communicating with an ex I can say that is really isn't all your fault. Whilst you might be a poor communicator, it is also her job to communicate to YOU how she is feeling, and to try and find a way that gets it through to you.

I guess you need to find out if she is willing to work with you to try and improve the way you communicate together or if you can just learn some painful lessons and move on.

Both parties need to constantly put effort in to a relationship, consider the others feelings, not react to how they think they are being treated and letting things spiral out of control until you are two strangers sitting on the same couch.

I agree with these quotes. I hope she still cares enough to work with you on this.

1 and a half years in and all these problems. Your probably just not compatible or maybe your relationship moved too fast. If your living together already it can be a recipe for disaster. The honeymoon period has to fade first for awhile before you live together. Do you have the same morals, values, beliefs and life goals? Are you sexually, emotionally and intellectually compatible? Do you love each other? If yes to all those questions-the relationship is probably worth fighting for but you need to learn how to deal with issues or conflict in a healthier way. Instead of ignoring a problem and allowing resentment and anger to build up-talk it out straight away and do whatever it takes to fix it.

Also the little stupid things are not important such as leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to turn off a light. If those things are causing arguments between you-then you should not be together. You have to focus on the bigger picture and whats really important.

I also agree with Michelle. 1 - 2 years is the typical 'make or break' time in relationships. It's when you find out if you are truly compatible, or at least are both willing to make it work.

[vmartin143]

I recnetly got my hear broken in to pieces, I heard about this new show that helps you get over your ex and answer questions (exandwhycasting.com)
I am thinking about applying, what do you think?

[overanxious]

That's also the problem, she always assumes the things she says are interpreted correctly, and gets mad when they're not because she said it right, the other party must not be listening. Her effort was mostly giving me a chance and time to better myself doing nothing to reflect on herself or even taking into mind her behaviour is also a problem.
I'd love to see other people be as insigtful as you about themselves and the communication with them. Too bad that's just not the reality.

my ex would always come to me when she got into a fight with her parents or siblings....and id try to give her advice on how to deal with them or change her approach so they couldnt get under her skin...and she didnt want to listen....."i just need someone to listen not to give me advice"....so eventually i learned to just listen...but when i didnt say anything it was "you arent even listening" to which i would repeat everything she just said verbatim to prove that i heard every word.....but she couldnt accept that she could change her ways.....shed bend over backwards for these people and expect to never be challenged or questioned by them...to never hear she wasnt perfect.....thats all she wanted to hear is that she is great, loved, and perfect

one time i remember her getting into a fight with her mother and sister....they both ended up telling her she was a negative person....which she could be...other times she was so positive and uplifting.....she said "do you think im negative" ...i said sometimes.....and she was angry.... I said "if one person says it maybe its not true...but i tend to agree sometimes you really are....and if a few people are saying it...."....well that didnt go over well lol

[smackie9]

Just what you posted tell me you were not compatible. Incompatible people can fall in love and have relationships....but it's a relationship of not understanding each other....even with good communication.