What does this mean?

[helpinlove]

Last night my girlfriend of 4 years dropped a bomb on me, and broke up with me. Her reasoning is that in her head I am the perfect guy, but her heart just isnt there at the moment. Keep in mind she is only 18 years old, and I am a few years older. This both of ours longest and serious relationship.

Today, after a few texts, I learn it is a break she wants. Understandable, she is young and we spend a ton of time together (at least 5 days a week). Here are some text quotes from today:

"I'm not looking for anyone else. I am looking for myself. Youve become such a part of me I dont know who I am anymore and what I want".

"I want to spend my summer with you. Listening to music. Camping. Just us. But my heart needs a break. I just need time away".

"If you can take me back you can have me when im ready".

"I ****ing love you. I do. But its not fair to myself or you. So yes I need a break".

I 100% believe her that she wants a break, and I can understand that. My feeling is that she wants to go out and have some fun, before being restricted to one guy forever.

I called her and told her I loved her this morning, and she said it back to me. She promised we will get back together, she just wants time.

Additionally, she has kept all of our pictures up on Facebook, same with all the comments that I left on her page. Just removed the relationship status.

Will this whole get back together thing really happen? In my mind and my heart I hope so, I know this girl is the one I want forever. I would put a ring on her finger if we were older.

Also, I really want to send her flowers but still give her time. Just to remind her that I care. How long should I wait?

[jonny13]

Dear Helpinlove,

I'm not sure it will make a difference, but I want you to know your post moved me to register so I could reply. You won't like what I have to say, I'm sad to say, but as a fellow human being who's been through nearly exactly what you're going through I need to tell you the truth as I see it, as I've lived it: Your relationship with this girl is over and you must move on.

First, a little backstory: I met a wonderful girl at a concert in '03. We were an awesome match, had so much fun together and really were a great couple. Found out that summer she was going off to college (I was a bit older, with a job, etc.) and we made it work for nearly 4 years. I visited every weekend, we spent the summers and holiday breaks together. We had plans for marriage after she graduated.

Then, she dropped the bomb. She wanted to break up...to 'start over', to find herself. I had always tried to encourage her to experience life and college for herself, but she needed more freedom. She loved me truly, maybe she still does, but while I waited, she moved on. It isn't impossible for someone so young to know what they want in a man, in life. . .but generally people need time to live and grow as their own person, especially at that time in their lives. She is doing both of you a huge favor....she recognized this in herself and wasn't afraid to tell you. It is better this way now than in 2-3 years after you're married with kids.

In my situation, she said she wanted to come back, she wanted everything we had together, but just...later. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. She will be out, living her life, sampling all it has to offer while you wait patiently at home....that is not fair to you. You deserve life and happiness too.

Your ex sounds like a genuinely good person; she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. She wants to offer you hope now...to let you down easy. She's looking for a way to let you down easier (either conciously or subconciously...she loves you so she's finding ways to protect you even now). There is no badguy here, just a sad situation that you both have to get through. She may want to stay friends. . . that is up to you, but be true to yourself. Can you handle hearing about her dating other guys? Can you listen and not be bitter and/or angry? She'll expect you to 'be ok' with that if you are friends, and will get angry with you if you are resentful for her sharing that information. Friends talk about that kind of stuff.

For me, I couldn't handle that and though it hurt, I had to discontinue contact.

The girls in our situation have been with someone for a long time,and they're not sure how to go about life without such a strong support. They want to lean on you for everything positive you provided in the relationship, but still be free to go out and explore the world (which includes other men, I'm sad to say). That isn't fair to you! And really, it isn't fair to her. If she wants to grow into her own person, she needs to embrace that fully and not half-way with you to support her.

And for other readers, this is common with guys too. I'm not intending to be sexist because I know guys who do this kind of stuff too, keep a girl as a 'back-up'...and that isn't fair to them, either.

The best advice I can give you now, my friend, is to let her go. Accept that your relationship as you knew it is over and move forward with your life. Date, travel, take that dream job in Oakland...do not let any of your decisions be tied to this woman. That is the *only* way you will have a chance for things to come back full circle. If you wait, and pine she will see you as weak and as a burden and, please forgive me, as pathetic. Women crave confidence, either knowningly or not, they're attracted to it....and you waiting does not project an image most women will be attracted to. So you experieince the world, other women, anything you like while she does. She will see that you're confident and that you have no need of her. (In a good relationship, there is no 'need' of each other...but a profound desire...a 'want' for each other. Dependency is unhealthy). Perhaps some day you will come back together and build a new relationship, based on your old one but with the new wisdom and experiences you had while apart. Just do not count on that happening.

This is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever go through in your life, man. . .and all I can say is hang in there...it will get better. It will get better the faster you accept the end and move on and find happiness without her. Spend some time mourning, but not too long. Get out there, enjoy spring, find a new hobby, play games with friends...and most of all enjoy the best person out there: you! you are obviously a caring, loving person. Those are awesome qualities that many beautiful women would love to experience (which is one reason it is hard for your ex to let go!) Be confident and enjoy life and let life enjoy you.

There is a happy ending out there for you. If it helps, my story has a happy ending. Though I didn't reconnect with the girl who broke my heart, I did manage to find someone who makes me the happiest guy in the world. In my depression from the break-up I burried myeslf in work and a new hobby: World of Warcraft (haha). Few years late, I met my fiance through the game. We're happy. I look back on all the pain I went through with the other girl (all the other girls) and realized that without them, without the lessons they taught me, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Good luck, friend. It *will* be OK. You *will* get through this. Go out, enjoy life and happiness will find you.

Be well,

jon

[pcmaster]

When it comes down to 18 year olds I wont trust them more than my left ball. Im 24 now and I seen so many(one) 20 year old guys suffer badly when girl choose to change from commited girl to a community service pussy.

Anyway thats just my 2 cents and your relationship dont have to be like that. What works for your favor is - you been first serious guy in her life and she will always remember you. And as she changes her mind so often(like all teenagers) she will change her mind back to you. At some point shes gona miss you no doubt about that. Even more at some point she will need a cock and if you keep her on the good terms then...

Seriously if you learn to be ok on your own dont fall into black start drink or something she will come around in your life at some point. If you will take care of yourself you gona be over her by than. But if not then you probably gona be in shit and she wont need you.

However turn the love you have for her to yourself and live, enjoy the summer, every moment of every day. You deserve to be happy. Dont contact her let her make a move. She deserves a break and so do you - no less than that.

[Loot77]

Hey, I'm sorry to say that I don't know many people where a "break" has not turned in to a permanent split.
The fact that she has gone to the trouble to finish with you, which is a hard and horrible thing to have to do, means she is fairly certain she wants to move on. As the guy above said, she is probably giving you hope by saying it is a break and she'll come back to let you down gently, but in the long haul it will leave you hanging on, not able to get over her and meet new people. I am sure she means no malice, she is just young and has probably not had her heart broken yet.
You sound very sweet, so in time you will no doubt find someone lovely, who is ready for what you are looking for. Be patient and be strong x

[Kromat83]

she is still not sure about her life, and if you were with her since she was 14, this wasn't really a legal relationship until now.

She is still maturing as an individual and it's better you give her space.
I think spending too much together before living with each other, isn't really healthy and you made a mistake of not limiting it to once or twice and since your older, you should see what is happening and be mature about it.

[Starting_Over]

Your situation mirrors my situation a lot. I had been with my ex since I was 14; I am now 21. The last few YEARS I've had thoughts in the back of my mind that I was unsure about the relationship. Then as the end began approaching, we really were having a hard time seeing eye to eye on things. He was turning 24 and wanting to be married, insisting that he was getting older and wanted to settle down. This brought my uncertainties about him to the surface and I told him that we needed to slow that down because I was uncomfortable with the idea of marriage. I asked for a break... He said he understood, but did not back down. He continued pushing for us to be together and even continuing to push marriage. I just didn't want to think or hear about the relationship, though I did want to remain good friends for the time while I figured things out. Well, his insistence on continuing to post on my Facebook hearts and romantic things on my wall and be pushy, buying me expensive gifts, etc ended up having the opposite effect that he intended. I felt smothered and like I wasn't getting the space that I asked him for. And it got to the point where he absolutely did not respect me or my wishes. So having been in that position, I strongly insist that you guys remain in casual contact, and if conversation comes up about love or the relationship, feel free to speak from your heart; however, do remain backed off and do not send flowers. Give her the space she is asking for. If you give her space, there is no guarantee that she will come back. I know that is a scary thought, but if you don't give her the space, you'll without a doubt push her away.

[michelle23]

im sorry man but its over. shes not coming back. a lot changes when you turn 18. its life. you want to be single.

my bfs friend went through this. she was 18 he was 21-thed been together 3years. she changed overnight-turned into an attention whore and just played with his feelings for a year and used him as an emotional tampon when it suited her. he was devastated and was always there to let her make a fool of him again and again. she used him for money or some attention when her latest rebound didnt work out.

and even now 4years later she still pops ocasionally to mess with his head. hes too nice to tell her to **** off but too smart to fall for her BS again (i hope anyway).

just accept its over, cut all contact and try to heal. when your ready meet a girl your own age and stsy away from teenage nutbags! there not worth it.

[jamie11]

She is so young and so are you. It happens at this age. As you said you spend lots of time together, so in a break you will be able to meet new people, pursue your hobby. A break does not mean a permanent split. Hope for the best and get some space for yourself too