Seeing A Married Girl

[Rhino]

This is one of those situations where it sounds bad just by reading the title. Props to anyone who doesn't skip over my entire post I'm about to make and reply with "stop".

I met this girl about a month ago. Coming up on 4 weeks, and during those 4 weeks, we have hung out every single night except for once when she had to work. Literally we have either gone out to dinner, gone out for drinks, spent a day outdoors or traveling, simply laid back in a car together, or I've slept over every single day for about 3 and a half weeks minus a day. I'm absolutely crazy about her. I enjoy her so much that even though we've spent SO much time together, I get this sad ache in my heart if I have to say goodbye to her. It's ridiculous...it's kind of stupid actually. I've slept over a few times. We wrestle around, cuddle, and most recently have been sleeping in the same bed together when I come over.

Now...if you read the title - it should come as no surprise to you that this girl is married. Several months back her husband was deployed, he's a service member. She obviously loves the man. I ask her to describe what her perfect man would look like, and he fits the description to a T. Pictures all over her walls, they're on her phone's home screen together.

We've talked about kissing and 'hooking up'. I feel like it's almost happened a few times. I respectfully end up not making a move on her though, because our hearts are not in the right place.

She contradicts herself a lot though. She tells me she's looking for a best friend. She calls me her best friend. But when I tell her I need to find someone that I can be with too, she tells me how sad it makes her. She tells me she's so emotionally attached to me that it makes her sad, and asks me if maybe we should stop hanging out. It's like she's keeping me single because she's into me, but she has this whole complete set up with her husband and everything.

So logic would tell me she's using me for emotional support until her husband's deployment is over. I refuse to accept that though, because she has so many guys that would love to take my place, but she chooses me. She helped me with my ex, she trusts me, and I trust her. If she was just using people, she would hop around from guy to guy, and try and get as much attention as possible. She's just into me though.

I really feel like we do have a connection, and shrugging her away and setting boundaries would damage that, and hurt me. I ask her what will happen when her husband comes home, and she tells me she thinks it'll work itself out. I'm just taking things day by day, and hoping something happens. But I feel trapped right now, and it's starting to become frustrating.

Can anyone PLEASE give me some good feedback as to what they think I should do? Half of me wants to win her over, and have us elope together and start this amazing fictional life. The other half of me wants to support her relationship that appears to already be perfect - because this man she's with has someone very special, and I want her to be loved by who she enjoys getting it most from.

[_Richard]

Some thoughts.

First off I'm not going to judge you morally. I cheated on my wife a few times so I'm in no position to condemn either of you.

Although you appear not to have been kissing (or otherwise making out) this is clearly a form of cheating, unless she and her husband have talked about her doing this kind of thing and he's ok with it. But I think we all probably know that that isn't the case.

So, when she tells you she's just 'looking for a best friend' we can all see that this a best friend that her husband wouldn't approve of, right? I'm sure that he'd love her to have a female best friend to keep her company, but a guy who spends every day with her, shares a bed with her (albeit without making out), he's not going to go for that. He's going to be seriously angry.

You're not even describing a 'best friend' here, seeing someone as intensely as is occurring here is not what 'best friends' do. Two straight women would not be behaving like this, you know that. So, let's not kid ourselves, when she says she just wants 'a best friend' she's not being honest with you.

She *is* using you. I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true.

Your rationale, that the fact that she's chosen one person out of many - namely you - to be her 'best friend' when she could be hopping from guy to guy is kind of pitiful. Sorry, but it is. She wants a substitute while he's away, it's as simple as that. She misses him and you are a stand in for certain elements of their relationship.

Of course it makes her sad to think of you finding someone, then she won't have her substitute husband on call 24 hours a day - her dutiful lapdog.

What do you think is going to happen when this husband comes back? She'll drop you like a stone. She'll have her dream man back and you'll be heartbroken. Also, chances are your secret will come out and he'll...er what is it that soldiers do?...oh yes...probably pretty much kill you.

You do have a connection but it's not what you think it is. It sound like you're falling in love with her but she already loves someone else.

I'm sure that it her own way she thinks she cares about you but it's in an incredibly immature and deeply selfish way, a way that places much more emphasis on her needs and gives no consideration to your happiness.

You are going to get deeper and deeper into her and therefore will be much more hurt when this all goes wrong. And boy, is it ever going to go wrong. Few things hurt quite as much as unrequited love, don't do it to yourself.

Get the hell out. She isn't going to elope with you, she won't even kiss you - she loves her husband and you are a temporary stand-in. You really need to see that.

Oh, and you can't support her relationship either. All you can do is walk away from this.

Take care.

[michelle23]

Okay Im not gonna bother giving you a lecture either. I think we all know that cheating is bad and theres no point harping on about it. I have already made my feelings on that perfectly clear numerous times on this forum.

Richard are you still with your wife? Have you told her the truth about your infidelity?

Look OP you can either waste a whole load of time on her and be her emotional tampon till her husband comes back or you can tell her to get lost and go and find yourself a real gf. That is it.

[InLimbo]

Not judging here. So I'll say this.

She loves her husband and he's gone for now. For now you are the surrogate. That's going to change when it's time for him to come home. This is going to become a very big mess.

She want's disposable company. If she was worth being married to, ask her husband?

and as far as her helping you with your ex? How much of that was helping herself to you by eluding you mentally and emotionally away from your ex? Kind of seems like "best friend" became nothing more than a facade hiding greed lust and want.

Let this one go... Way far away.

Get out while you have a chance before it gets worse... Buy the way, it never get's better

Get clear and best of luck.

[InLimbo]

and to add..... you have only known her for about a month... been best friends for three weeks...

the only reason she's not going guy to guy is because right now, your fitting the bill. Leave and see what happens. As far as being trust worthy? She's lying to you, probably her friends, her husband and herself.

Yes, she is using you. Contradictions ARE lies. So, when you want to have a real relationship she is sad? No friend that's jealousy manipulation and head games. Just wanted to clarify that.

[michelle23]

Ya and women like her are so manipulative-her husband will probably feel sorry for her and forgive her while he runs at you with a chainsaw. Your gonna be the bad guy in all of this. Shell probably get away with it coz a lot of men are stupid when it comes to their wife or girlfriend and naive. Hell make excuses for her but none for you.

[InLimbo]

Apologize if these posts seem blunt...that's because your situation is very clear.

According to timeline, within one week she's helped you with an ex and you are now in her bed..... that's RED FLAG too fast. This is an earmark of someone whom can cause considerable emotional and possibly physical and financial damage as well.

Let's put it this way, you were vulnerable because of an ex.

She took extremely quick action to get you very quickly under her control. Yes, you are indeed under her control, not a love spell by any means.

I have close male friends, very attractive, they like me as well, and I too am told I'm very easy on the eye. However, to be a friend, you have to love what they love and not cross that boundary and use them for your own intentions. When they have a problem with the people they love, I am there to support them in trying to help them regain what they want and it's the one their with. If their wife walks out, and they need my support, I will do everything in my power to help them save their marriage, not hinder or destroy it. That is a true best friend!!!! Never cross the line in a close friendship... That's not being what a friend is all about. She didn't keep the distance between you because she is using the guise of friendship and your vulnerability to create a facade she can benefit from.

I am amazed at the timeline. That was very fast. Fast enough that it tells me right out of the box, she's not all there and she can be dangerous in many ways. A normal married "good worthwhile" woman with a man best friend is this... he is either Gay or the father of her other children from many years ago and they can only be friends, or her brother or father.

You in her eyes are a solution only to an immediate problem. There is no love in this no matter how sweet her words are and building you up with as much caring nurturing bull she can dish out to not only elude you to rose colored glasses... but a blind fold, chains and a sword.

She's using you on the rebound and taking advantage of it in the worst way a woman can, and it's one of the most direspectful attributes certain women can display. This is way wrong.
If she were your best friend.... she would not be with you every day, she would NOT invite you to her bed, SHE WOULD NOT inforce your celebacy with sadness and manipulation, there would be no talk of kissing or hooking up, no cohabitation invites. A real military spouse holds the fort down alone!!! That's something to be respected!

She said she was looking for a best friend. You bought that?

Let's twist this... You are the husband deployed... your fighting for the freedom for a man sleeping innocently? with your wife and he want's to have sex with her and she's contemplating it behind your back. You love her... she is in love with you. She lies to a man to keep herself from being alone and fill needs she's not willing to do on her own that is her responsibiliy. You return from deployment... your friends say she cheated.... you confront her, she states you are just a friend and dreams up a lie to explain why you stayed there. She desperately fights to keep her marriage and blames it all on the other man. Then she has to weave a lie big enough to keep the marriage.... "he raped me, I was drunk, what was I supposted to do... you were not here"....
You are reduced to a rapist and manipulative jerk.... because she lied to you and wanted a "best friend".... Tell her to hire and escort.

This is just one scenario... but... this isn't by and means the worst one. There is NO happy ending here. If she displays emotion to control you now and still married.... You get in too deep and you are trapped.... and may end up missing. Don't follow through on this. She does not love you.

To be honest, you don't love her... you love what she's making you believe she is... and that's exactly what she wants. She snow blinded you. You let her because your ex hurt you and she took full advantage in the worst way.

I am truly sorry you got so wrapped up in this. I have seen this so many times and the outcome is never good. There is no happy medium here. This ideal you have of living happily ever after... does not exist and cannot. Nothing good can bloom from a flower that's already dying.

You can't win someone over who already has control over you for all the wrong reasons.

She does not respect you as we speak. Don't think respect can be grown. You allowed it. Respect can not exist again.

Do NOT trust her. You have to divide your manipulated feelings and set them aside to see the fact that your trusting the WRONG person.

I wouldn't even let this woman pet my dog in passing. Even if he wanted to bite her.

[Wakeup]

she has so many guys that would love to take my place, but she chooses me.

Congratulations! You win biggest sap of them all.

It makes me gag in my mouth a little when I hear men talk about being in love with a married woman that is using them for their emotional tampon.

Ugh! Grow some ballz dude and keep yourself away from this vampiress.

Check yourself for fear of commitment. You know she's not available to you yet you're allowing yourself to become vulnerable to her which leads to thinking you have feeeeeeelings for her. Since you know you can't have her, she's safe to you. As I said help your ballz to drop and go out and find your own gf with whom you can become vulnerable to and leave Morticia to her husband.

[Starnique]

^^^^^

[Rhino]

It makes me gag in my mouth a little when I hear men talk about being in love with a married woman that is using them for their emotional tampon.

Check yourself for fear of commitment.

Yeah...well I'm 21, and she's 22. I don't exactly have a lot of experience with married women, and since I've only described once instance in my life I'm not sure if you really have enough evidence to make that claim. If I did this sort of thing all the time, I probably wouldn't have come looking for advice on what to do in this type of uncharted territory for me.

With that being said though, I guess the feeling here is pretty much unanimous.

We fought today! She tends to ignore everything good I have to say. I tell her all the time about how much I want to listen to her, and be the friend she wants me to be for her. Last night we went out, and I asked if she could ditch work tonight to hang out, since I have a whole afternoon off and she never gets to come over to my place. But she's responding with "I have a lot on my mind, and I didn't appreciate you trying to pressure me into calling out (from work) last night. I have a lot going on in my life, and the last thing I need is to stress out about you."

She makes up fallacies all the time about me when certain things are her decision. I think things today have started to go downhill.

I don't mean to make this girl out to be a lunatic. We spend so much time together because I enjoy her company. We're not all mushy, we just laugh a lot - and enjoy each other. It's hard for me to be best friends with these adorable girls that I foolishly idealize into a fit for me - even if we don't cuddle and hang out.

The honest answers were exactly what I needed though. This sucks. Can someone point me in the direction of the broken hearts forum? Hah..

[Wakeup]

When you back off from her, expect her to come looking for you. It won't be because she wants you and is going to dump her soldier for. It simply means that she misses your admiration and the attention you've been laying on thick.

Tell her you're busy and that you won't be able to hang anymore because your new girlfriend doesn't like it and you don't want to disrespect her. Then block and delete the emotional blood sucker from being able to hoover you back in by "Glamouring" you ala True Blood Vampire style.

Seriously... no contact or you'll likely be back being her faithful lap dog in no time at all. You can do better, you deserve better and you keep telling yourself that she's off limits... Where a chain of silver if you have to.

[michelle23]

OP in future dont become best friends with any girl and stay away from taken women. the next best friend you have should be your real girlfriend.

your not "heartbroken" youve known her a month or two. get a grip and get over your infatuation by cutting alk contact with the manipulative attention seeking user.

shes a selfish taker and your naive. stop sticking your head in the clouds, wearing your heart on your sleeve and open your eyes.

next time you meet a girl-proceed with caution and make sure she has no issues before diving into the deep end.

good luck

[dickriculous]

Ya and women like her are so manipulative-her husband will probably feel sorry for her and forgive her while he runs at you with a chainsaw. Your gonna be the bad guy in all of this. Shell probably get away with it coz a lot of men are stupid when it comes to their wife or girlfriend and naive. Hell make excuses for her but none for you.

don't forget the false rape accusations!

[TablesandChairs]

She's young. She probably wasn't entirely prepared for married life with a soldier who is gone for long periods of time. Loneliness sets in. She found you. You made the loneliness go away, you took her mind off things and you probably made the days/nights go by quicker so it didn't feel like she was constantly 'waiting'. That can be quite appealing. Nonetheless, she didn't sleep with you...deep down she loves her husband and doesn't want to cross the 'infidelity' line. She understands he's not gone by choice but because of his job...which she probably accepted at the start without much experience of what it's actually like. The reality of the matter is probably harder than she imagined.

If you were completely platonic friends, it'd be okay. But you've developed feelings and she's happily married (apart from the distance problem). I'd start backing away if I were you. Maybe limit your interaction to chats on the phone etc. In the meantime, live your life. Her marital issues are not your problem...if she can't handle the time apart, that's something she has to sort out with her husband.

[_Richard]

Richard are you still with your wife? Have you told her the truth about your infidelity?

Michelle, no I left my wife. I will never cheat on someone again.