I feel as though I'm not good enough, but I don't know if it's in my head?

[AnnaOwl]

Some advice would be amazing right now because I feel like I have no one I can discuss this with, but this is going to be a long post so it'll probably just end up being a way for me to vent!

Background:

I've been with my BF for 7 months now. We started off as friends, and we fell for each other. The first few months were incredible, and I was really happy. But ever since the 4 month mark it's gone down hill. However I need to make it clear that I really love him, and in no way do I want to end the relationship... I'm just feeling in a bit of a rut I guess.

I have no idea where to start, there is so much I want to get of my chest. I guess I will begin with where my 'not feeling good enough' feelings started. When I first developed feelings for him, I began to dislike myself a lot. Ever since I've known him, he's made it extremely clear that his type is brunette's. He has always gone for short, petite, brunettes with blue eyes and has only ever fallen for girls of this description. His ideal woman is Zooey Dechanel, which he still makes sure I know. This makes me hate myself, and that isn't an exaggeration as I couldn't be further away from what he likes (I'm a 5"9 red head with brown eyes and I'm 139lbs, so in no way petite!)

When we first started dating, he would compliment me regularly, and tell me he loved me. But now, I honestly can't remember the last time he complimented my appearance. The only comments he makes about me are joking insults about my hands or my hair colour (this has been an issue for months now) but the thing that bothers me most about that is the fact that he has no shortage of compliments for beautiful famous women that he likes.

This isn't the only way he has been distant. Due to University, we live a few hours apart so used to make the most of seeing each other. But the last few times I've seen him, he hasn't even attempted to properly kiss me, and has turned away when I've tried, and the last time we were 'intimate' it felt like it was a chore to him, rather than something he enjoyed... and as soon as it was over he went straight on his phone and ignored me ( this has happened several times now).

The other issue really bothering me is one that concerns me a lot. I am extremely worried that he wishes he was with another girl - but due to her being uninterested or unavailable he is with me. This is someone I know he has had strong feelings for for years, since before we even met, as it was something we discussed when we were friends. This girl is beautiful, tiny, brunette... everything he would want in a girl. He still talks to her, and I know for a fact that he does everything he can to hide our relationship. I am in no way implying that he is cheating on me with her, because I'm sure he isn't. I just think he would prefer to be with her if he could. Due to this I constantly feel like I'm comparing myself to her, and unfortunately I'm fully aware that she is better than me in every way. I feel as though I'm his second choice, and that he isn't happy with me.

Although there are a lot of negative points here, and honestly its not all that's bothering me. But, we do have a lot of good times, and when he makes me happy... he makes me happier than anyone has ever made me. He talks about our future, usually jokingly but he still discusses it... and he seems keen for us to live together once I've finished university later this year.

Overall, even though there are a lot of mixed signals, I really feel as though he isn't attracted to me anymore. When we are together, it feels as though he wishes he was elsewhere (even my family have commented saying they felt like he didn't want to be here). I constantly compare myself to the women he likes and it's caused my self esteem to go lower than it ever has. I realise I should talk to him about all of this, (apart from this we talk about everything else) I'm just scared if I bring it up, it'll end up being true and I dont think I could handle hearing that is is.

Anyway, if you have read all of this I would like to thank you and your patience!! And I will thank you even more if you could offer me advice, and let me know if it sounds like it is in my head or not?

Thanks...

[pcmaster]

If your confidence went down thats and indicator that you are not together with the right person. Is this your first BF?
When you with right person then he apreciates you for what you are, you are perfect just the way you are and he sees good things about you that even you are not able to see.
Anyway you fear of losing him is what makes it worst. Fear and low confidence is what kills any relationship. Stand up for yourself, dont take the shit, point out some of his weak points. Some people will hate you for what you are but some will love you. Also if you okay with yourself others will be ok too with you.

Thinking that you are not good enought is the worst thought to have in your mind at any point of life. It will destroy everything around you, Your dreams relationships, career and yourself.
You should stay away from such people who makes you doubt yourself. From my expierience staying with such people will make you unable to look at yourself in the mirror unable to accept yourself and its ends with slowly destructing yourself making things only worse. Its ends with looking in the mirror with disgust and hate every single time.

So dont lose who you are, know who you were before the relatiuonship and stick with it. You are undefined but what you do is what defines you.

People will rate you, hate you, break you but how strong you stand is what makes you.

[Valixy]

He is a bit of a bully, isn't he? And he refuses you a kiss? Then he neglects your most intimate moments? After only four months?

It sounds like the initial attraction faded and he has nothing else to offer you now but a rude unattractive personality. You could try to speak with him about what you need in this relationship and see if there are any changes. If not, there's no need for you to keep seeing a guy who disrespects you, doesn't appreciate your beauty, fantasies of another girl, is glued to his phone and can't even make love to you properly. Pretty disappointing fellow, isn't he? I don't know if you prefer fair-haired, dark-haired or red-haired men but I bet the kind of personality he has is by far your favourite! Maybe you should let him know this if things don't improve.

[AnnaOwl]

He isn't my first boyfriend, but he's the first guy I've been with for over 5 months and the first I've been intimate with... which is why I was unsure if it's normal or not. After reading yours and Valixy's replies I realise it's not.

I would like to thank you both for your comments, I am unfortunately already at the stage where I can't look in the mirror without feeling disgust and hate. I know what you are both saying is right, and that I need to stand up for myself or be with someone who makes me feel happier. I think it's just difficult because I honestly do love him so much, and aside from the negative points he's my best friend too. I can't imagine life without him, which sounds lame but it's true I think I will stand up for myself, and next time he comments on others attractiveness I'll just do my best to confront him about it, even if I find out that he isn't attracted to me. I need to find a way to be brave enough to say what's on my mind! Either way I can't cope with feeling like this anymore

[Valixy]

No, Ana, this is not normal and he should not take advantage of your love and inexperience and be a bastard. You are young and beautiful and you love him. He should treat you like a princess and not take you for granted and put you down for the simple reason that he hasn't satisfied all his fantasies yet. Obviously he is NOT your type if he keeps proving that he is nothing else but a complete moron!