What to do...

[DayStandCnfused]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm writing because I think I need to get some things off of my chest in an anonymous fashion. I am nervous writing about this but I'm not sure what else to do at the moment.

There's nothing terribly unique about my situation I'm sure, but I do feel like I want to talk about it with others just to try to sort things out in my mind. So here's the story, I'm a guy in his mid-twenties who's been with his girlfriend (early twenties) for almost four years. When we first started hooking up and prior to the relationship becoming "official" so to speak, I was very attracted to her. The attraction between the two of us was so intense that I thought for sure it was real love. Like so many others have experienced, that feeling faded over time. I can't honestly remember when it happened, but looking back now I can recognize that at some point I lost that "fire" that was in me, I just never really thought anything of it. Even back then I was no stranger to long-term relationships, and we had a good thing going so I never seriously considered breaking up an option… in my mind there was no reason to.

We have had a really great and comfortable few years together. We have many friends in common, we know each other's families very well and have great relationships with them, and pretty much everyone that knows us as a couple assumes we'll be married someday. We're very compatible and are great friends, relationship aside. But for the past year or so I have felt emotionally empty. I never knew what to attribute this feeling to… so many different things registered in my mind as potential culprits. I thought maybe it was the shittiness of my financial situation, the fact that I'm struggling as a musician right now (my life's passion), etc. My feelings have affected our love life in a big way, and I hate myself for it. Until recently I never even considered my relationship with my girlfriend as the source of my unhappiness.

There have been no major bumps in the road at all, we have shared so many amazing experiences together and I consider her my best friend. But despite this I've recently come to acknowledge that I think I've fallen out of love with her, or maybe I was never in love to begin with.

I need to back up just a little bit here and give some extra details that I think are relevant. I have never cheated on her, but I would be lying if I said I haven't fantasized about it. There have also been a couple occasions in the recent past where I have come close to making some very stupid drunken decisions, and I'm scared that someday I just won't be able to control myself. Not happy about that one, but I have to speak the truth.

I should also mention that she is very much in love with me, and I know that if I left her it would just destroy her. It's for this reason that I almost think I couldn't possibly go through with a breakup. My conscience is telling me that we've got a great relationship on our hands and it wouldn't be worth it to throw it away. I know there's a damn good chance that if I left her, I'd lose her as a friend… that would be so hard to deal with. But I'd also feel horrible staying in a relationship where I can't honestly return the love that she has for me.

So I'm trying to weigh my options. I've made a list of pros and cons that I'd like to throw out there, just to let you all know where my head's at with all this. I'm really reaaaally confused by these feelings that I'm having, and I'm pretty sure I'm just going to sit on them for a little while and let them settle before I confess any of this to my friends or act on my feelings. And I apologize for the long post, this is just a huge moment in my life and I really want to get it right.

The way I see it…

Pros of leaving
• I'll be free to try to find love elsewhere
• It wouldn't be fair to her or myself to stay in a relationship where only she is in love
• I would feel emotionally alive again. I've been feeling depressed for a while now, and I think after dealing with the effects of the breakup I would eventually feel much better and happier

Cons of leaving
• It would emotionally destroy her, and it'd kill me to do that to her. I don't know if she'd ever recover.
• I would almost definitely lose her as a friend, and she is my best friend
• If I regret my decision, there's no going back. She's already told me that she doesn't believe in retrying past relationships, so a breakup would be for good. If I realize afterwards that I made a mistake, I'd have to live with it for the rest of my life.

Pros of staying
• This really is a fun relationship, and like I said, I do love her as a best friend and enjoy her company very much. So faking it wouldn't honestly be impossible to deal with, at least I don't think it would be.
• She'd be happy, and that's all I want for her. Life would most likely roll along swimmingly, with the exception of my inner feelings that hopefully only I, and no one else, would need to manage.
• There would be no life-shattering breakup to have to deal with

Cons of staying
• There's a chance that I'll never experience being in love with a woman, and having that connection that I want so badly.
• I may regret staying, and it could become too much for me to handle at some point. I wouldn't want that to be the reason the relationship fell apart, or have to live with that empty feeling the rest of my life.

Well there you have it… I could talk about this all night but I think most of the real important stuff is there. I'm anxious to hear your opinions on all this. Thanks for listening :-)

~~~~~

EDIT: Okay, so I continued thinking a lot about this after I posted and realized I misspoke about something, and left a couple details out.

I do love her company, some of the time. But this is not always true, and before I say this next part I want to make clear that I know it's normal to not want to always be around one another or have to experience one another's flaws, I get that. But I thought about it and came back to something I've had in my head for a long time, the fact that she and I have very different stances regarding how to deal with personal problems. No sense in me masking what I'm trying to say... basically she loves to complain about things on a daily basis, things I think are trivial and not worth being negative about. It might sound silly to some, but... I don't know. I just really want to be a person who isn't like that. Before our relationship I used to wake up happy to be alive, went through my day trying to see the good in everything and just having a generally positive disposition. I would refuse to let the little things in life get me down, and I felt so happy every day as a result. I'm not saying that she doesn't make me happy, or that I despise our relationship! But I feel much different as a consequence of our time together.

I know she probably thinks it's just blowing off steam and it's harmless, but I feel like being around her as she gives off negativity on an almost-daily basis is slowly turning me into someone I don't want to be, i.e. a more negative person, and it's taking it's toll on me. I recall confronting her about this exact thing about a year ago, and what I was asking her was to be less negative and come to me about the important things, the things she really needed my support for. It didn't work because after a while she felt that I was restricting her and that she wanted to be able to talk to me about anything. I thought it was reasonable and just figured I needed to grow some thick skin and adapt. Didn't think it was really a big deal until these past few days when I decided I need to figure out why I feel emotionally drained.

So for the TLDR'ers: One of my girlfriend's traits is that she loves to complain, and her negativity is turning me into a less positive person. I just don't know how to deal.

[rhonddamayne]

you are really lucky to have someone that truly loves you. just take a little time off like going on an adventure. with her or without. just taking a time off with life would make you realize that you too love her. she's a treasure and you'll be feeling sorry your whole life that you won't find any love again. just be with her.

[TablesandChairs]

When you're confused about your feelings for somebody, almost everything they do starts to get annoying. This is more to do with your inner turmoil than anything they're doing.

Secondly, women love to vent. It's been proven in psychological studies that 'venting' is healthy (although usually practiced by females more than males). For her, this is a way of 'unloading' and not at all negative, but obviously you don't enjoy it. I think you might find the next woman you end up with might have this very same trait. All my female friends do. At the end of negativity session, we're all happy and okay with life. Weird but normal.

After a few years together, relationships can get stale. People stop appreciating each other. They think the grass is greener on the other side but what we see of the other 'side' is very limited. But it's human nature to stop wanting what we have and want something else, something new and exciting. But nothing stays that new and exciting forever.

Still, if the urge you're having is very strong and you truly have fallen out of love with her...then rather than risk cheating on her and breaking her heart (and feeling guilty yourself), it's best to communicate. Figure out if this is a phase or not. Think about what life without her (forever) might feel like and whether that's what you truly want. Decide whether it's worth working on the relationship or not. Then, do what needs to be done. You're not really doing her a favour by remaining in the relationship if your heart isn't into it...eventually she's sense this and it will make her miserable.

[DayStandCnfused]

Thank you both, your posts mean a lot to me. I've got some new things to think about, and I really appreciate your insight :-)

[michelle23]

I think you are going through the stage of doubts which is quite normal.

I recommend you look up "the signs of a healthy relationship" and see if you have them. Also look up "thinking the grass is greener" and "the 9 stages of love".

You have not listed anything wrong with her that shouts "break up" to me. Maybe you are confused and think infatuation is love. Its normal for that fire to fade over time. Its because you are comfortable together.

I dont think you should end a long term relationship unless you are 100% sure. I remember when I dumped my ex-I knew 100% without a doubt that I did not want to be with him and I didnt want to see him again and I never regretted it. However you have doubts on whether you should stay or go and you have not listed any real problems.

It is hard to find someone who ticks all the boxes. Someone who you are intellectually, emotionally and sexually compatable with. Someone who loves you for who you are and gets on well with your family. Someone you trust. Someone who has the same morals, values, beliefs and life goals as you. Does she tick all those boxes? If yes-you would be a fool to let her go.

You are unhappy in other areas of your life and you are blaming it on your relationship. We see couples here who are horrible together trying to stay together and you and she are great and you want to leave?

Fantasies are normal-however you should never cross that line. If you don't trust yourself when drunk-then don't drink.

You could consider seeing a relationship counselor to help you make this decision. If you end it-its over with no going back. remember that. You dont want to regret leaving her go just for someone else to snap her up and marry her while you look on feeling like a muppet.

I recommend you stop focusing on the negatives and write a list of all the things you love about her (you do love her-your just confused). Imagine if she left with no explanation-left you a letter saying its over and disappeared and you had no way of contacting her-never see her again. Really imagine it and see how it makes you feel. or imagine her with another man-laughing, joking, kissing, having sex, happy. Does it hurt?

[michelle23]

Is there a reason you want to cheat? Are you not having enough sex with her? Or are you just insecure and afraid your missing out on something?

[DayStandCnfused]

I feel so bad about the fantasizing thing... we don't have sex a lot anymore, and it's all on me, I'll be honest about it. I can't say it any other way, I'm just much less attracted to her in a sexual way than in times past. It's not that we never do it, but I can safely assume it's much much less than average. She's even confronted me about wishing we would do it more, and when she did I was 100% speechless. She was drunk when she confronted me about it, so afterwards she either didn't remember it or didn't want to bring it back up, and that conversation never fully happened between us. But the honest truth is that I'm finding it increasingly difficult as time goes by to be aroused by her. I'm aroused by other girls, so it's not a question of sexual orientation, this I know.

I'll confess that I feel like I'm missing out on something, but I think that feeling is irrational. I've got a very beautiful girl right in front of me, I just have a hard time feeling what I used to feel for her. I don't really know what to attribute this to.

[michelle23]

That sounds like your issue. You said shes beautiful so how do you not find her attractive? I think you need a break-time to miss her and not see her for a bit. Is there anyway you can go on a two week holiday or something without her?

Its not normal to not find her attractive unless shes not. Do other guys think shes hot? Do you go out together often? Maybe if you see her turning heads or see other guys hitting on her it will make you more possessive and make you appreciate her more.

Id say that is the only issue here-that you dont feel like sex. Maybe deep down you think you can do better? or you think your out of her league? Or maybe you are insecure and will always wonder is the grass greener no matter how good you have it?

Were you a player before you met her? Apparently people who sleep around don't enjoy sex in a long term relationship coz it becomes a habit for them to be with different people.

Maybe you need counselling? If your girl is attractive but you dont want her-there is something wrong.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Break up with her. You're over the relationship, and it sounds like it has run its course. It sounds like you are just not happy with her. You don't love her. You can weigh your options as much as you want, but in the end, if the feelings aren't there it doesn't matter how much sense it makes to stay together on paper. You said you can't return her feelings, and from what you've written, you are not happy. That is enough reason to break up, and in my opinion, trumps any and all reasons to stay.

Michelle, I've slept around and I enjoy, and prefer, sex with a girlfriend. You really need to quit with these sweeping generalizations, particularly when it comes to that which you have zero experience with.

[michelle23]

Break up with her. You're over the relationship, and it sounds like it has run its course. It sounds like you are just not happy with her. You don't love her. You can weigh your options as much as you want, but in the end, if the feelings aren't there it doesn't matter how much sense it makes to stay together on paper. You said you can't return her feelings, and from what you've written, you are not happy. That is enough reason to break up, and in my opinion, trumps any and all reasons to stay.

Michelle, I've slept around and I enjoy, and prefer, sex with a girlfriend. You really need to quit with these sweeping generalizations, particularly when it comes to that which you have zero experience with.

I am not making generalizations. I have seen quite a few stories on forums with people having issues with sex in a long term relationship after sleeping around for years (not being able to get it up etc. I didnt say ALL have that issue but it does happen. I am only suggessting things that it could be-making suggestions thats all.

Im not sure if the answer is to just break up. I went through the same doubts after 3-4 years with my bf but I got through it and know for sure now that hes everything to me. Lots of people have doubts sometimes. It doesnt mean its over

[stan92964]

Opposites attract and the 2 of you are no exception. You have things she lack and she has things you lack. The strength of that attraction is mostly subconscious and seems almost magical. New love is amazing but it changes into "long term love" ... that's a process no one can change.
She is an external processor and consequently, processes out loud with someone she trusts (that would be you) I'm guessing you are an internal processor ... you need some alone time to do that and get a little grumpy when someone interrupts you at those times. You think logically and problem solve. Her external processing is just that ... she processes out loud. It's not about problem solving for her ... she just needs to feel like you understand and care. Nothing has changed, but she feels better and that's all she needs. She doesn't need or want you to solve her problem ... she just needs you to listen and know that you care. So, yes you are right, grow some thicker skin and let it blow over your shoulder because she will.
Internal and external processing are both strong traits and are a part of who we are. That never changes.

By the way, all men fantasize from time to time. Any man that says he has never done that is lying. The only thing that maters is what one dose about it. That a choice.

There is no such thing as "falling out of love" Love is like a plant ... you water it, it grows ... never water it and it dies.

My guess is the the easiest way for you to figure out what you want is to break up with her but I'm also guessing you would come to deeply regret that and from what you said you would just be left with the wish that you had not done that.

The only other option is to learn who she really is because I believe you have only judged her by your beliefs and views.

Michael Web (known as Opera's Relationship coach) says that 83% of divorces would not happen if couples would learn how to truly understand each other. So learn how. Your love needs watering not hers, you know that.
Google Dr John Gottmans conflict styles. That might help.

[DayStandCnfused]

Thank you all so much for responding... I'm hearing a lot of things I never considered and it's really helping me to cope a little bit. I appreciate all the honesty.

[DayStandCnfused]

That sounds like your issue. You said shes beautiful so how do you not find her attractive? I think you need a break-time to miss her and not see her for a bit. Is there anyway you can go on a two week holiday or something without her?

We actually spent about a year, cumulatively, doing long-distance while I was at an out-of-state school, during which I would only see her a handful of weekends a semester. I've also taken a couple week/two-week long family vacations to the beach where she only made short appearances, so I've definitely spent time away from her. I missed her during those times, but on my end when we were reunited it always settled back into what it was before the time away. All in all, it didn't sway my feelings towards being more attracted. If anything while I was at the beach I was tortured by the constant exposure to smoking hot girls, and the resulting unstoppable stream of fantasizing and unfaithful thoughts that I had to suppress.

Its not normal to not find her attractive unless shes not. Do other guys think shes hot? Do you go out together often? Maybe if you see her turning heads or see other guys hitting on her it will make you more possessive and make you appreciate her more.

Other guys think she is hot. It's probably true that every straight guy who's ever seen her envies the hell out of me and wishes they could get in her pants. She tells me often about encounters she's had at the bar when I'm not around, being hit on, getting free drinks... it makes me feel a pang of jealousy but it almost instantly fades, maybe because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't cheat on me and these dudes probably don't stand a chance. She thinks it bothers the hell out of me, and I know she enjoys this delusion because to her it means I want her all to myself. Frankly I don't even know if it would crush me if she was with another guy... of course it's hard to know that when it's never happened in reality, so I can't assume that's how I would feel. But I do wonder.

We go out together all the time, in fact I wish I could hang out with her just a little less without her feeling hurt, but I wonder if that scenario is possible. I guess it's worth talking about with her.

Id say that is the only issue here-that you dont feel like sex. Maybe deep down you think you can do better? or you think your out of her league? Or maybe you are insecure and will always wonder is the grass greener no matter how good you have it?

It's definitely not that I don't feel like sex. I want to get in bed so badly, the problem is that I want it to be with a new girl. I'm not even gonna lie, the past couple times we've had sex I had to pretend I was with another girl to finish. Another thing I'm not proud of, but there it is.

Were you a player before you met her? Apparently people who sleep around don't enjoy sex in a long term relationship coz it becomes a habit for them to be with different people.

I wouldn't say I was a player. To give some history, I had an on-and-off relationship with a girl for all of high school and into college, during which I only had two other sexual partners (those encounters happened while the relationship was off, just to be clear). I've never been the type to play the field, and I've only had a couple sexual encounters that weren't with a committed significant other (or the on-and-off girl while we were not officially together, but I consider those times "relationship encounters" just because of the history we had together). Maybe all of this is part of my problem too.

[michelle23]

After reading all that-id say the year gap finished it. Its v hard to survive long distance-i think you start to realize you dont need each other and the fact you were away from her and not getting enough sex made other women more tempting.

I think its normal to have fantasies etc-most people do that but you sound like you couldnt care less if se went out and ****ed someone. It would give you an excuse to end it.

I think its normal to crave something new and exciting. You miss the infatuation sometimes when the relationship gets more comfortable but you do sound v unhappy and its not fair on her to think your all loved up when your not.

Maybe you should end it. But no matter who your with or how perfect she is your probably gonna go thdough the same doubts at some point. Sometimes it just gets routine and boring and you start wondering what else is out there.

If you feel this way more than 20% of the time then you need to end it. If you regret it-youll just have to deal with it im afraid.

[michelle23]

Did you ever feel this way with your last long term relationship?